Saturday, August 1, 2015

Company Policy

Effective Immediately:

Dress Code:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Restroom Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management Team

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44 comments :

  1. This is really tough! I think this company is managed by robots? The first person caught in the picture for the toilet offense will be me!!! Oh oh.....

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    1. Yep, I wouldn't want to work here either. :)

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  2. 1 year
    2 months
    9 days
    12 hours
    52 minutes
    17 seconds
    to be precise ;-)
    until I have 365 personal days a year. :))

    big hugs xoxo

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    Replies
    1. But you're not counting. Bwahahahahahaha. Good for you Barb. :)

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  3. Sure glad I don't work for that company. The rest room deal is hysterical especially if you smile.
    Sandee, you and Zane and Little Bit have a fantastic day.

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    1. Yep, this is not one place I would care to work for. :)

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  4. And that is why Unions were invented.

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    Replies
    1. Yes it was Joe, yes it was. :)

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  5. We should be careful about circulating those rules. Some company is sure to take them seriously. LOL

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    Replies
    1. I think some already did Jean. :)

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  6. Wouldn't you want to be married to this guy...NOT! There would definitely be a funeral. JS.

    Big hugs from the cool N GA Alps, honey...

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    1. Me either honey, me either. :)

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  7. I'm with Jean on this one haha! I bet that wouldn't apply to the person who made those rules never does does it =D>

    Have a crappolicytastic day Sandee :-h

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    1. It never does. It's always do as I say, not do as I do. :)

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  8. If I was told this, I would tell my boss and shove it.Good bye.
    Have a beautiful Saturday Sandy and I hope it's a little cooler today, I hope. See ya.

    Cruisin Paul

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    1. Me too Paul. I couldn't work in this environment. :)

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  9. "They are called Saturday and Sunday". LOL!!! These are hilarious, Sandee! :)

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    1. Well, that's true. I always loved the folks that were always sick either on their Monday or their Friday. Bless their hearts. :)

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  10. My peep actually worked at a place like this. He didn't join voluntarily and couldn't quit. It made him swear that he'd never work for any government again and he hasn't.

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    Replies
    1. Yep, there are too many rules in some places. :)

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  11. That one about the Rest Room got my attention! Especially in my current situation!

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    1. Yep, you shouldn't mess we peoples restroom time. :)

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  12. I'm going to save these for when I start hiring. c-)

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    Replies
    1. You're way too nice for this kind of behavior Odie. :)

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  13. oh my- too close for comfort for some businesses of today.....I hear horror stories from my younger relatives.... Have a super duper day!

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    Replies
    1. Things have changed so much haven't they. :)

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  14. love these! reminds me of my 21+ years working at a newspaper lol. Hope you are having a great weekend! xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Doesn't sounds like a great job. And you lasted for 21 years. :)

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  15. Holidays - redefined. interesting and thought provoking. Restroom break is revolutionary.

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    Replies
    1. Frightening isn't it. I thought so too. :)

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  16. They plagiarized my employer!!!

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    1. Yikes, I'm sorry Mike. :)

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  17. There are a couple i've worked for that were almost this bad....

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    Replies
    1. We've all had some bad bosses over the years. Yes indeed. :)

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  18. Replies
    1. We're glad we're not working in this place. :)

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  19. LOL - reminds why I am so glad to live in a country that has mandatory 4 week minimum vacations days. Funny stuff as long as it's satirical.

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    1. It is definitely satirical. :)

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  20. Well I can say that with the exception of the lunch rule I already adhere to these policies. I'll be purchasing a supply of slim fast so that I can become a slimmer trimmer better employee :)

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    Replies
    1. Yikes, you're already doing this. Yikes Ann. :)

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  21. Sounds like an excellent company to work for.

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    1. If you say so. I'll pass. :)

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♥♥♥Have a terrific day.♥♥♥