Twelve Rules of Life:
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.