Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No" shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies, "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings
Image Credit: Seamus' Irish Jokes eZine