Thursday, March 24, 2011

Where to Retire

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

You've experienced condensation on your bottom from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

You'll eventually need to pack heat as well as have to suffer from it!


You can retire to California where...
  1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
  2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can retire to New York City where...
  1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
  2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  3. You think Central Park is "nature."
  4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
  6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can retire to Minnesota where...
  1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
  2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
  4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can retire to the Deep South where...
  1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
  3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
  4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
  5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

You can retire to Colorado where...
  1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
  3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can retire to the Midwest where...
  1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
  1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
  2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
  3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Hat tip: Dr. Vern B.
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  1. 'You think Central Park is nature' was my favorite! Ya gotta love those New Yorkers.

    I'm from New England but have adopted the southern 'y'all' and 'all y'all' and dangling prepositions. Y'all can get over it. Well, except for Miss Bee, of course! And twice this month I went from heat to air conditioning and vice versa. Spring is a wonderful thing!

    big hugs xo

  2. Headless car drivers... Must've been on I-75 in SW Florida...

    Love this!

  3. OH, I really liked this one. I think where I live is most like the "Midwest". I have often had both the heat and A/C on the same day in the car.

  4. There's at least one gem in each of these. The four seasons in Phoenix and California are among my favorites.

  5. Woof! Woof! Lots of Golden Laughs. My mom loves this n will share it to her "older" friends. Lots of Golden Woofs, Sugar

  6. Sandee--

    Thank God for Florida...The Weather is here, I wish Ya'-all were.

    I have lived most of the places mentioned, except Zoo York.

    I would rather face 'headless' drivers than 'headed' ones headed towards me in a ice skid.

    In Florida the disabled drive better than 90% of the able.

    In Arizona the heat bakes you...In Florida the heat sautés you.

    In the South you fergot 'fixin' as in I'm fixin' to...(fill in blank).

    Love ya'-all!

  7. So cool and too true. Now, if you will excuse me, it's time to meet Billy Jo over yonder 'cause as y'all know that sum bitch needs killin'! (Note-proper southern sentence structure does not require punctuation).

  8. Of course I like the Deep South one. Especially, 'He needed killin' and everyone does have double names here. They are all terrific. Got a good laugh, thanks

  9. I love it!! LOL. The "eye contact" thing in NY is so true...
    I notice it all the time when I try to look at people...

  10. i love this. i would add another to florida, the headless drivers have their left turn signal on. they are making "an eventual left". it's okay, sarge does it all the time!

    smiles, bee

  11. Love all these. That Deep South one is sooo right, y'all (spelled correctly).

    Have a super day. Gotta pack. Big hugs, honely...

  12. I guess that leaves Alaska the only logical place to retire to. LOL

    Have a great day!

  13. If y'all don't want to retire to any of the state mentioned above..why not consider Philippines..hehe! and enjoy the beach!

  14. Since I'm from from NYC - got no problem with any of it!

  15. As funny as this is, it's also true.

  16. I really laughed at "he needed killin'" and the sexy lingerie. thanks again for all the laughs.

  17. lol love the NY ones!
    You can retire to New York City where...

    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ...guilty as charged hun!..HUGS!

  18. sounds about right for CA.

  19. Personally I don't really care where I go as long as I CAN retire some

  20. The way the Government is messing up the economy I will probably never be able to retire.

    I love the four seasons in Cali...

  21. I'm not choosy, I'd retire to any place that would let me in.

  22. Hilarious!
    I liked the Colorado ones best:
    the kid named Granola,
    and the $3000 bike on the $500 car.

  23. I've seen these before, and laughed as hard reading them this time! I really enjoyed all of the blogging adventures...glad you had a good time.

  24. Phoenix, Arizona sounds like when we used to live in Australia's northern state of Queensland. Hot, hot & too hot. Michelle just came back from a week up there of visiting relatives & she said the heat & humidity was awful.

  25. Still scratching my head wondering where to retire. I know NY is not the place and Calli definitely doesn't sound to good either, hmmm maybe those mid westerners and the Minnesotans don't sound to bad at all.

    Big hugs to my fav Calli girl :-)

  26. smile.

    hugs to you and Z


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