Thursday, March 31, 2011

Banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Clifton

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to both the ladies and men's restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Hat tip: Gracie of Echoes of Grace
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  1. so that's how to fight boredom! hahaha

  2. Thank You very much for the good ideas. First I have to slip away from my wife. She already doesn't trust me.

  3. This is so funny! I like the tent one best and I'm adding this to Mrs 4444 Saturday Samplings this week. Thanks for the laugh!

  4. Ok, wondering how I can keep this list out of the hands of my husband. Good thing I never take him to Target. Our trips together are usually limited to Walmart, Sears (For tools, of course!) grocery store and Tractor Supply. I think we might be ok. There's no fitting room in the Tractor Supply, oh wait. Yes there is. Uh oh!

  5. my name is not clifton.......

  6. My brother has actually done some of the stuff. And he wonders why he is single...

  7. I wonder if they'll work the next time I'm in Walmart? I gotta go do some shopping now.

  8. I want to meet this guy and go with him. Can you imagine how much fun that would be. Lord that is funny. Love it.

  9. LMAO....thanks for ideas.

  10. I will NOT be letting Dick read this one:)

    Have a great day. Big hugs from chilly, overcast GA...

  11. I'm not Married, but I think I would try that!

    Take Care and Have Fun!

  12. LOL This is one I think I won't show to my husband. It might give him ideas.

  13. Saved the best for last... LOL

  14. so thats who did it!..LMBO hugs to y'all!!:)

  15. If I pulled any of these stunts,I think Celestine would die of embaressment.

  16. this is exactly why I go shopping alone :)

  17. To funny I needed this laugh, so tell me what happens in Walmart?


  18. You can't take some people anywhere!

  19. When I try to hum the Mission Impossible them it sounds more like the Bewitched theme. hahahaha!

    Sorry to be so late. It's been a full day. And just look how late I'm up!

    Big hugs xo

  20. Hahaha, such great ideas!

  21. I must show this to my wife. She won't ask me to go with her again! Thank you Sandee. Have a great week end.

  22. A man with style. Sure beats shopping with my girl the way I'm foreced to do it with a smile on my face as I carry her bags! That's what I call a fun way to shop.

  23. I thank you very much for that post. It made me laugh out loud. Mr. Clifton causes quite a rumpus!!!

  24. Absolutely hilarious. I loved this.

    (Karen Z linked it up to my Saturday Sampling post :)


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