"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to."
"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."
"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution."
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other."
"It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets."
"The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears."
"Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let's just wish each other a bileless New Year and leave it at that."
"Matt and I have set a date. Matt and I will tie the knot New Years Day in the town of Swampscott, Massachusetts. Reserve your hotel rooms now. I will be having a gay marriage."
"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time."