Sunday, December 12, 2010

Facebook Addiction

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the “Heroin Addiction Department (HAD),” the “Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)” and the “Bingo Addiction Department (BAD).” Then she spotted the department she was looking for: “Facebook Addiction Department (FAD).”

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones.

A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering, “I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows.”

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him. “Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.” “I just don’t understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the ‘like’ button.”

“How long has it been?”

“Almost five minutes. That’s like five months in the real world.”

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.

“Please have a seat, Edna,” he said with a warm smile. “And tell me how it all started.”

“Well, it’s all my grandson’s fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book.”

“How soon were you hooked?”

“Faster than you can say ‘create a profile.’ I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day — and more times at night. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India. My husband didn’t like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced.”

“What do you like most about Facebook?”

“It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I’m even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya.”

“Who’s he?”

“I don’t know, but he’s got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous.”

“Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see.”

“Oh yes. I’ve even connected with some of the gals from high school — I still call them ‘gals.’ I hadn’t heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who’s retired, who’s still working, and who’s had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they’ve been on vacation, which movies they’ve watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I’ve also been playing a game with some of them.”

“Let me guess. Farmville?”

“No, Mafia Wars. I’m a Hitman. No one messes with Edna.”

“Wouldn’t you rather meet some of your friends in person?”

“No, not really. It’s so much easier on Facebook. We don’t need to gussy ourselves up. We don’t need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That’s the best thing about Facebook — you can’t smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I’m pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration.“

“What pic are you using?”

“Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn’t find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon.”

“To make yourself look prettier?”

“No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That’s what I’m using.”

“Didn’t your friends notice that you look different?”

“Some of them did, but I just told them I’ve been doing lots of yoga.”

“When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?”

“I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: ‘I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.’”

“What did you do?”

“What else? I unfriended him of course!”

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun


  1. Hahaha! love it

    "toddles off to check my facebook messages"

    Have a peaceful Sunday :-)

  2. LOL--this is a great on. Have a great Sunday, Sandee.

  3. This is great! LOL! Thanks for starting my day with a laugh! I'm more addicted to my blog than Facebook, just check that maybe once a day IF I feel like it. See, I have Facebook under control at least.

  4. Love is so so funny...she befriended him!!

    Have a terrific day Sandee!

  5. Whew...glad I don't have to go to FAD. How funny!

    Have a great day. Big hugs, honey...

  6. hahahahahahha! Unfriended him!

  7. Is there a Department for Entrecard Addiction? Bwaahahahah!

  8. OMC that is funny. Love that one. I am sure there are tons of people that need that FAD. Hope you have a super day.

  9. man i'd have unfriended him too! and seriously "unfriended" does not have a red line under it, google likes that word. too funny.

    smiles, bee

  10. I am not that fond of FB, but I love to blog and read other blogs.

    Have a great day. HUGS.

  11. Yeppers, that all sounds just about right, doesn't it?

  12. Ha ha! I didn't see that one coming! Gosh, hope she remembers to feed the dog!

  13. OMG, that was just too funny. I love it, she unfriended him. Of course she would :)

  14. Ha Ha Bit of a long read but a good one!!!

  15. My wife wants to unfriend me too, and not just on Facebook! LOL Have a great week!

  16. Now that's an addiction, when you don't even know the spouse has moved out. Great response to it though. LMAO

  17. Bahahahaha that darn facebilk! Every time I think I'm out, they draw back in ;) Hugs and loves Sandee!!

  18. I'm going to have to go along with Da Dude and enter into a entrecard droppers addiction program.

    Good One!

  19. And you thought all of your imaginary friends were from your childhood. Nope, they're all in FaceBook. Just sayin'.

  20. That yoga is pretty powerful stuff when it takes so many years off of you.

  21. Hahaha! Facebook is phenomenal! :D

  22. Do you have the address for that place? At least I gave up on the pointless, mind numbing games awhile ago. I use it now mostly to promote my business, and it works. I have not had to pay for advertising yet.

  23. Thanks for reminding me I need to update my profile ;-) Oh, and unfriend myself; I really pissed myself off yesterday...

  24. So funny!! Put this on twitter :}
    Thanks for sharing
    Cheryl :}

  25. It's good, Sandee. I was waiting and trying to guess the punch line. I missed for sure.

  26. HaHa. Is it for real.

  27. I know a person or 2 that I can relate this to.

  28. did you know my story on FB Sandee hahahahaha.

    It was my son who told me to join FB and now i guess i need to go to FAD too..hahahaha

  29. I've tried Facebook but I never got it. What's does it do blog-wise that Blogger doesn't? Except insist you sign in just to read something... highly annoying!

    O yeah and I also tried heroin every day for about 10 years. The internet's far more addictive, I have to say!!


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