When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning..." He said, "No, just taking a dump."
I was walking down the road and saw my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
Getting married is like getting into a bathtub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
I'm not attracted by a girls mind, but by what she doesn't mind.
Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to me - don't and stop, unless they are used together.
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!
Her job is to Bitch. Mine is to give her a reason!
Hat tip: Duffy L.