Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Dumb and Dumber

God speaking to St. Francis:

Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plants that crop up in the lawn.

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You had better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call 'mulch'. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

God: Enough! I don't want to think about this any more. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a real stupid movie.

God: Never mind, I think I just heard that story from St. Francis.

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me


  1. Kinda makes you think though that people are really wasting their money on their yards!! And mulch isn't cheap!

  2. Truth is funnier than fiction! I've been saying for years that I just want to toss out lots and lots of wildflower seeds and let them take over the yard into a big meadow of flowers... nobody (read Men) will even consider it! They MUST have a lawn and their lawn equipment.

  3. I love Yellow Dandelions!! ;)

  4. this may sound funny but it is sad and so true... thanks for sharing sandee. :)

  5. no lawn for me... have a great day, Sandee!

  6. I love the yellow flowers in my lawn. It is very expensive to keep a lawn up not that I do. I do mow every so often just so I can find the cats here and there.
    Have a great day all of you.

  7. too true! sarge used to be exactly like that when we were younger and had a yard. his had to be the most perfect on the block or he was unhappy until it was.

    men. (sigh)

    smiles, bee

  8. Oh I so totally agree - when we had a yard my weeds were pretty than the flowers!

  9. That was humor? I thought it was drama based on truth. Hmmm, what a bunch of dumb asses we are when you look at it that way.

  10. That 'splains it quite well, especially that dumb and dumber part.

    Have a great day. Big hugs, honey...

  11. For a change you have dealt the story so decently even at the cost of snubbing the elite suburbanites.

  12. I hope you have a wonderful day!

    Big Hugs!

  13. That's funny; I don't fertilize, I don't bag the grass after I mow, I do mulch the flower beds, not the grass (a point you missed in your funny article). Dandelions are weeds. They are a nuisance, make people sneeze, and create bad neighbors. People who leave them and let blow in everyone else's yard are bad neighbors.

    As with all things, balance is the key.

    Traveling Suitcase

  14. we are a silly lot aren't we?...lol

  15. ehhhh it's just too true! what is wrong with humans??? some weeds are super pretty! there is one in particular here that looks like petunias and people here hate it!

  16. We think we have it all sussed, and we're really very stupid when you think about it.

  17. With us for entertainment,why would he even need a movie?

    As Always I love stopping by. Great post as always.

  18. I'm glad I stopped by and found this post. Suburbanites are a funny tribe.:)

  19. They are only weeds if you don't like them

  20. Proof positive that we are not as enlightened as we would like to believe ourselves to be.


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