Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Lizard Healer

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact that isn't EVER going to happen. . .

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ... Um ... Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just ... Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ...that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... Its... Teeny little ..." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

Hat tip: Gracie of Echoes of Grace
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  1. oh my, pulling on his winkie, too funny

  2. Oh, great. Now I'm going to have lizard winkie on the brain today. bwahahahaha!

    big hugs :)

  3. LMAO post a sign on their cage - HAHA

  4. Absolutely hilarious! I sent the link to The Dupp; he just has to read this one.

  5. Strange and interesting facts I learn from you, Sandee. That was hilarious.

  6. that gracie is a hoot too! too funny.

    smiles, bee

  7. Tears streaming here!!! Priceless for sure!

    Have a great day. Big hugs, honey...

  8. LMAO!!! I think I just pee'd my pants!!

    Big Hugs!

  9. for some reason I knew htat was what happened! but very funny indeed!

  10. No comment - I'm laughing too much

  11. I just peed my pants from laughing. That is too funny!

  12. most hilarious event...
    have a great day!

  13. You were right, crying my eyes out laughing so hard. That really is very funny. Good one.
    Have a great day.

  14. But did he wash his hands after? :-)

    I wonder what the lizard was thinking LOL!

  15. I've read this one a couple of times it still never fails to crack me up! I would so be the sarcastic wife in this scenario!

  16. Now that was funny :)

  17. Was the lizard 'relaxed' or 'satisfied'?

    What was the lizard thinging?---What does ANY male think when getting his winkie tugged on?

    Very funny didn't see it going there.


  18. Hahahahaha! Just made me laugh.
    A funny story with a good lesson! :D

  19. Fooled me! :)
    So did the Plover's eggs.
    They are popular for honeymoon breakfasts. Just don't ask at Jack-in-the-Box for one.
    (JiB was our honeymoon breakfast spot of choice in San Antonio,)


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