Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Thank You

I just want to thank all of my wonderful friends for your educational e-mails over the years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time..

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and clear clogged drains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. In fact, I no longer use a microwave!

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft.. out of the commode.

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Stolen from: Tisha of CrAzY Working Mom
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  1. lol... that was a good one :)

  2. I remember many of these goofy emails and I usually read with my hand on the mouse, yes, limited brain activity here.

  3. hehehe scared of EVERYTHING! because everything causes cancer you know...

  4. You're welcome. What are friends for? Snerx.

  5. HAHAHAHAHA....thanks for the evening laugh...

  6. i know, i know, when will people stop forwarding these emails? i never open them. ever. just delete. i tell them i don't open them. they still send them. i have broken every fwd fwd thingy ever and still they don't stop. this is right on! ha ha ha

    smiles, bee

  7. ROFLMAO My favorite one which I know I have received many more than you, the number of angels that are watching over me. And you must forward it at once. Good list. Thanks for the great laugh.

  8. Oh that is sooo funny!

  9. Great! But I DIDN'T have my hand on my mouse ;)

  10. I'm exactly the type of person who tells people nicely, but firmly, "Stop sending me these or I will block your email address". And they did stop.

    I have to say that nose picking fact skeezed me out though. Just saying.

    Big hugs, Sandee xo

  11. That's what the delete key is for... LOL!

  12. Thanks bunches for the laffs this morning. I needed them.

    Big hugs, honey...

  13. I read THAT email too ... ha haaa!

    Nothing will stop my visits to the chicken shack tho

  14. LOL, OKAY, you got me, that's a good one.

  15. I think I was going to leave a comment here but since I have very low brain activity I can't be sure of that. I think I'll just return to my bubble now and call it a

  16. I have a junk folder filled with all of these.

    I do know this however, Target is not French, it is Minnesotan, started by the Dayton family. Dayton's (which is the backdrop when Mary Tyler Moore throws her hat in the air) was a department store we had for years. Target was the bargain side of Dayton's. Eventually Neiman Marcus bought the department store chain, eventually selling it to Macy's which made it suck, while the Dayton company changed it's name to Target and the rest is history. Mark Dayton is currently running for office, again. See, there are some things I do know. However, you shouldn't shop at Target because they won't let you leave until you have spent at least $200.

  17. negative to the core!!! Have a positive day!

  18. Ah hahahahahahahahahaha! That was so good! Hugs and loves!! :)

  19. I've seen some of these before, but a lot of new ones for me. Gosh, it does sort of make ya think.

  20. Absolutely funny and entertaining! I received some of these similar emails mentioned here.

    I actually had my hand on the mouse because I was scrolling down the page. Hehe! :P

    (Fledgling Blogger)

  21. Oh my gosh I'm a wreck now! What is left?

  22. Lol 'A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read with their hand on the mouse.' - and thanks to you I have insufficient brain activity. Anna :)

    What a great post!!!

  23. I related to practically every single one. Funny stuff. Just make sure to keep your hands clean and away from your eyes unless you first rub an jalapeno pepper on them first. I think that is how it goes, brb let me see if i have read it correctly.

  24. haHAhaHAHAHAHA.
    Here via "WillthinkforWine's blog" because I loved that graphic of the woman "comedy plus" for "one day" in her sidebar. Hilarious, but oh so true, post!
    (My blog is not at my google account.) It's here:

    Have a good one!


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