Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Santa?

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
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31 comments:

  1. I have NO brilliant opinion about this matter.

    Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to hubby and all!
    ..

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  2. There would be No Christmas without women....I have heard this from several women!!!

    Hugs and Happy Holiday Santa

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  3. I understand your point of view but still believe Santa is a "he." Mrs. Claus organizes everything all year long; she keeps the elves busy; she tends to the reindeer; she confers with Rudolph to use his GPS-red-nose to get the sleigh, Santa and presents to the correct places as quickly as possible. Santa doesn't stop to inspect the chimney. After all, he's a man; that means in and out as quickly as possible. :)

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  4. thats right if Santa were a man.... all the girls would get the same gift, and so would all the boys, that gets that pesky "thinking " out of the way!

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  5. Great post, I needed a chuckle this morning. I have to agree with you that Santa must be a she. Your reasons are very convincing. Especially the part about the reindeer.

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  6. You had me going at "Ebenezerian Time Warp" because THAT is exactly what happens! It's like they didn't really believe it was coming and they had all the time in the world.

    Happy Christmas Eve Eve, Sandee! Big Hugs ♥xo

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  7. I am like Sherry behind every good man is a woman! He aLWAYS LOOKS FAT AND CHEERY. shE LOOKS CHEERY, BUT TIRED LOOKING TO AND THOSE POOR ELVES FOR GOODNESS SAKE

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  8. I'm all for women doing the work! Good for Sandee Claus!

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  9. LOL ... hear hear ;-)
    Thanks for this public service announcement! Wishing you and yours a joyous holiday!
    Hugs and blessings,

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  10. I totally love it... Have a wonderful season...

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  11. i never really thought about it but you are RIGHT!

    smiles, bee
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  12. Thank you for sharing Sandee.
    Have a great Christmas!

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  13. You are sooo right!

    Merry Christmas to you and yours. With love 'n hugs...

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  14. That did give me a good laugh, but I could never believe a woman climbing down a dirty chimney and not only getting black soot all over her bright red suit, but how many fingernails would she end up breaking? Then on top of that we would have to leave out no fat cookies and skim milk. Then besides everything else, Mrs Claus would not be a Mrs back in the day before California allowed for same sex marriage. Actually I can think of many more sexist remarks to make, but I better quit before I get totally yelled at :-). Merry Christmas

    PS Also No way would a women Santa yell out Ho Ho Ho ;-)

    Big hugs from the wise ass at MOB

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  15. The only other possible conclusion would be that Santa is male but he's gay :)

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  16. Well you've convinced me. I wonder why they perpetuate this conspiracy of making us think he's a man by plopping guys into red suits at the mall. Unless women see their own kids enough every day that they don't want to see everyone else's brats 40 hours a week with only 2 mandatory union smoke breaks and virtually no alcohol allowed all day.

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  17. hee hee heeeeeeeeeeee!

    Redirect all of the bricks in the chimney! Have to stand all of the trees perfectly upright! LOLOLOL.

    ha ha ha.

    That is really making me think.

    You may be onto something!

    I am going to tie blankets today. I think. Unless I put it off until tomorrow!

    I may be a man.

    ha ha ha. Is it 3:00 on Christmas Eve day yet?

    Seriously, we did ALL of our shopping on Thursday and I need to MAKE the blankets (tie the edges on them all) and WRAP everything today and tomorrow. I guess today is a good day to get started.

    I love you!

    You are doing GREAT at holding the line at 163.5

    TODAY WE WEIGH THE EXACT SAME WEIGHT!!!

    You rock!

    I rock!

    We are doing it, woman!!!!

    Merry Christmas

    I hope your holiday is super happy and warm and fuzzy.

    xoxooxoxox

    p.s. And thanks for your friendship and kindness. You add to my life in a big way. I appreciate it soooooooooooo much!!! xoxoxo

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  18. OOooopsy! WE did all of our shopping on MONDAY. Not Thursday.

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  19. I've known for years that behind every successful man is a bust wife and a very surprised in-laws.
    Merry Christmas to all.

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  20. What a wonderful way to support this season of joy and giving. Nothing left to buy and it isn't even Christmas yet. Thanks goodness Maryann told me what she wanted and I was able to get it weeks ago.

    Have a happy holiday.

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  21. If Santa is female, she would crash during the flight because she wouldn't be watching where she was going as she checked her makeup in the mirror, and tried to straighten out her mussed up hair.

    Just sayin'.

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  22. Santa could definitely be a woman. My grandmother warned me that the day will come when I'll need to have electrolysis to avoid growing the full white beard, so I know better than to make assumptions.

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  23. YIKES!!!
    If Santa's a woman, she is UGGGG-LEEEEE!!! She should at least shave!
    ;-)

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  24. Whether male or female, did Santa install an autopilot on Rudolph, so he/she can text and play on his/her laptop, and NOT miss destinations by 150 miles? ;-)

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  25. (Big Laugh...)

    Merry Christmas...

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  26. There would be nothing in the world that required planning and organization if not for women. At least that is what all my women friends keep telling me. Merry Christmas!

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  27. This is my favorite questions to answer. I am a big horror fan, and have a decent collection.

    Force Factor

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