When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots or your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
That whiney-begging stuff may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses behinds, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
It blows my freaking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
I want a new bike, PlayStation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who the heck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me