Friday, August 21, 2009

Colonoscopy -Part II

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: Tomorrows post!!!

Author: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Experience (Humour)
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  1. That's one hell of a procedure.

  2. I rectum it has to be done, but after seeing the South Park Season 1 episode where aliens plant an alien probe in Cartman's behind, causing him flaming gas, I am still so not there ;)

  3. Wait! Where are the humorous actual comments made by the patients?! Gah!

  4. Can't wait to read those actual comments... That *so* makes me not want to get one done...

  5. Yeah, I am waiting for the true life comments to!! Those are usually hysterical. And I work in healthcare, so this account was more funny to me than ever!!

    Take care,
    Kat :)

  6. They used some sort of local on me because I got to watch mine on TV! The you get pictures to take home and show your friends....honest.

  7. ooh, part III ought to be very good! These are funny.

  8. So what exactly would be an appropriate song for a colonoscopy.... How about Queen's Don't Stop Me Know :D


  9. You forgot to mention that after the procedure you are actually encouraged and given permission to expel gas. Yes, the recovery room after colonoscopy is the only place on the planet where farting is permissible. It's freakishly weird realizing that everyone else in the room is also tooting up a storm. Lol!

  10. Oh my. We're getting so much detail here. Dancing Queen has to be the best part. Nice to know the procedure can be slept through.

  11. fun fun fun!

    smiles, bee

  12. Toot, toot, toot!

    Big hugs, Sandee...

  13. LOL...i can't top any of the previous comments and I don't want to bottom out so I'll just say happy weekend!!

    Big hugs,

  14. Congratulations! No shit!

  15. Whoa, wait - where are the comments? Where's the rest of the story? I bet it will be tomorrows post, right? Funny stuff...

  16. Yep, I remember feeling that way myself - kind of like "huh?" when I asked when we were going to start and told we were done. One minute they're talking about Donald Trump on TV the night before and the next thing it's a long time later.

    I shall look forward to tomorrow's comment post - should be funny!

    Have a great Friday, Sandee!

    this does not give me something to look forward to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. I know the feeling well. At one moment I'm watching the TV view of my innards. The next moment a nurse is waking me. She says I can get dressed so my wife can take me home. I wasn't all that bad.

    If you are of the age to have one, do it. Your health demands it.

  19. Yes, if you have to have one then it is important, to someone I guess. I was mad cuz I did not pictures to match the ones of my stomach.

  20. Thanks for making me feel so comfortable about my day of reckoning. Funny stuff! Great writing!

    Your Friend,
    Bring Back Pluto
    "ONE of THE GUYS"
    Hope you'll visit.
    "Bob the Vegan crosses paths with Dan, Dan the Porn Man"


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