Thursday, August 20, 2009

Colonoscopy - Part I

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

Author: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Experience (Humour)
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31 comments:

  1. Having had that procedure more than once, I am so laughing my head off!!! Sure painted a perfect picture. My first time was a sigmoid w/o any medication - back in the dark ages. I figured after that, I could withstand anything!!! My doctor was Asian and I asked him if this was the equivalent of Chinese Water torture! He did manage to laugh...
    ~~~Blessings~~~

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  2. I have skipped a colonoscopy up to now because I didn't want to be responsible for a lapse in national security: taking a NATO nuclear sub off patrol, just so's a doctor could jam that periscope up my backside, just didn't seem a fair, smart thing to do.

    After reading this....I think we should send MoviPrep to every member of Congress ;)

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  3. This could only have been written by someone with experience, because it is right on the money. At least it matches my experience. Thanks for a hilarious start to my day.

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  4. LOL@ Skunkfeathers' response... Bwahahaahahahha!!!!!

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  5. I think he left off the part where you throw up until you get the dry heaves, but honestly, the test is a snap. It's just the prep that's so bad.

    Hope the guy survived.

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  6. Oh, the joys of maintaining an older body! Big hugs and thanks for the morning laugh...

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  7. very funny and so true

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  8. oh this makes me want to keep avoiding it...
    ;)
    Happy Thursday Sandee!!!

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  9. poor sarge's "box" is on the counter as we speak...

    smiles, bee
    xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  10. Okay that was so funny - really funny - laugh out loud funny - Thanx!

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  11. If we can put a man on the moon (you know that saying, right?) then why can't we come up with an easier and/or tastier way to prep for the procedure?!!?!

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  12. Oh, the amazing things our bodies are capable of!

    My sister had about a hundred of these over about 5 years while they tried to diagnose her problem. In the end (pardon the pun) they removed her entire colon. So I guess that means she can't ever have any more colonoscopies!

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  13. Ah yes, been there - done that - had the colonoscopy. The prep part is most definitely THE worst part of the whole procedure and it's even worse when the hospital you're going to is kind of far away and you've still got some of that "anal purging" going on. Ew!!

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  14. Gulp - - !!

    I'm going to be having this procedure soon - the official date has not yet been established.

    If I wasn't looking forward to it before - I'm now thinking if I should be looking high and low for excuses to schedule an audit with IRS for that day.

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  15. Not a a test I look forward to. Even worse, not a procedure I look forward to Hubster having. He already spends most of his free time in the bathroom so I can only imagine.

    Thanks for my morning chuckle, always get it when I stop by. Thankfully I am now able to comment as well. Haven't been able to for months for some reason:(

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  16. Glad everything came out alright. Just let loose... Your anus will never forgive you.

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  17. i have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard!! Oh poor Pamela has to have this done every 6 months. i shouldn't be laughing!! But it's so funny!!

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  18. This post did NOT help my future colon health.

    The line about eliminating food from the future slayed me! Funny!

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  19. "as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet."

    That was hysterical!

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  20. MoviPrep showed me where I misplaced my head, along with the car keys.

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  21. Been there twice; couldn't have described it better myself...oh and food from the future is a new twist entirely.

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  22. you know the crazy thing? I am not sure if you have read on my blog about my daughter Mikayla having tummy issues? Well the GI doc made us give her this stuff. She drank it over a longer period of time but this is what he chose to clean her out. Yeah I felt sorry for her when I read it was used for people before they get a colonoscopy. I couldn't believe a 9 year old could have it. She managed though and hasn't had a tummy ache in a long time!

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  23. I think it stinks!

    LOLOL

    Hi Sandee :-)

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  24. I have had 3 colonoscopies and I hated that MoviPrep stuff. It's got to be the most awful tasting stuff on the planet.

    Every time I've had to do the prep I took that day off work. I can't imagine anyone doing their prep on a work day, but my boss actually scoffed at me for asking for the 2 days off. (1 for the prep and 1 for the procedure.) I insisted! How could you possibly do that at work?

    So, inquiring minds want to know...did the valium/vercid combo know you out, or did you watch the show on the monitor. I've seen the show all 3 times. I guess next time I should ask for more drugs.

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  25. Lola - I'm a lightweight so I was out like a light. I didn't wake up until I was back in recovery. I hate the prep with a passion and I can't imagine having to do that at work. Good grief. :)

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  26. This was a segment from an article by Dave Barry, not an anonymous post. You should probably put proper attribution to it since it's almost undoubtedly copyrighted.

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  27. Wow, I have to have this done and I don't know if I want to now. Yuk! LOL!

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  28. This kicks - pardon the pun - ass. Definitely one of the funnier posts of the last month or so here in Blogland, and puts you in the running for this week's coveted "Post of the Week" at Maugeritaville. Results posted on Sunday.

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  29. you had me at "nuclear laxative" -thanks for sharing your experience with such good humor!

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  30. Oh I have had this too. The description is quite apropos I must say. Hilarious!

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  31. Congrats! In a very close voting, this post won the "Post of the Week" at Maugeritaville. Stop on by and get your badge!

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