Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Anniversary Gift

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥
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  1. i KNEW after the first sentence that he was going to do it. idiot. ha ha ha ha ha

    smiles, bee

  2. men are so predictable.

    I want one of those guns though...

  3. Taser has already kill and will kill. It should not be used.

  4. Men can truly be complete idiots sometimes. Bless their hearts.

  5. yup - it's a guy thing :)

  6. Yikes! I'm staying away from tasers :o)

  7. I really don't know many women I think would tase themselves.

    However, it seems like most men would have to try it out.

  8. Oh wow~ that was disturbingly funny... never imagined such a thing before, now, I will have to wonder about 'some' people even more... hahahahahahaha, great imagination created this one, or was it imagination?????
    much love, hugs and :))))) and have a great day/night

  9. Makes me want to have an Anniversary at least once a week :-)

  10. Omigod... I laughed all the way through that!

  11. OMG I'm laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. TOO freaking hilarious!

  12. That is a riot. I just bumbled in here from somewhere (I wasn't really paying attention) and am I ever glad. I was kinda hoping you'd zapped the cat, but maybe that says more about me than it does about you.

    At any rate, count me among your regular readers. Great stuff.


  13. Trial and error is a tough way to learn!


    Eat Well. Live Well.

  14. Willy's wife wants a pistol. So far Willy has declined thinking the only thing that it might be used for is to hit willy with the butt end of it.

    Willy will get a lite one.

    Willy does not think he will try the pistol on himself.

    Shaking Jehosophat! Stun gun

    10-4 Willy

  15. Stupid is as stupid does! Heeere's your sign!!! Thanks for the laugh. Big hugs...

  16. You just knew he would do it!!

    Sniffie and the Florida Furkids

  17. This is too hilarious mate... LMAO...

    thats one real nutta :)

    take care... cheers...

  18. Shocking.
    And a great last line.

  19. I already 'tased' myself at the tender age of 7, when a friend convinced me I could pee on an electric fence.

    I did find my nuts.

  20. This is so funny. I can just hear the wife saying " You did what?"

    Thanks for the shocking laugh!

  21. Man, I'm just not that curious.
    Would the use of that device be considered harassment at the office? Just asking.

  22. Too funny, I agree it is a guy thing - bless their little hearts - no woman would do this. I laughed all the way through this one.

    I have something for you on my site so come by and see.

    Love and Blessings,

  23. This was hilarious!

    I was curious about our dog's shock collar once. I decided to try it out, but did so on my unsuspecting husband.

    It worked VERY well just in case you're wondering.

    Hope your nuts have reattached themselves by now.

    Great blog!

  24. This was SO BEYOND FUNNY.


    I totally knew he wouldn't be able to let go of the trigger ... but I didn't expect the enormous reaction he got.

    Man that was funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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♥♥♥Have a terrific day.♥♥♥