Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Year's Best...

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HEADLINES OF 2006:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

I Love Simple Folk!

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A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four... "

Monday, January 29, 2007

Did You Know?

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Q. What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The location of the Dirt Bag.

Q. How do you get holy water?
A. You boil the hell out of it.

Pet Rules

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ar: both; text-align: center;">Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

Neil Armstrong

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On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.

Blind Man In a Bikers Bar

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A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

Mid-Life Crisis

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When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a loving 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of the bargain."

Sunday, January 28, 2007

English Made Easy...Yeah Right!!!

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Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

A Cowboy

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Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo; And
She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Don't Laugh

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"Don't laugh!" said the patient Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said, "I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The Ventriloquist

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes."

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Genies

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A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out.

"Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!"

Little Winkie...

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.”Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

2006 Darwin Awards

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It's that time again... The 2006 Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Car Trouble

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A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the interstate one day and she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. Carefully she steps out of the car, opens the trunk and takes out two cardboard men. She unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The Five Surgeons

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Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Only Humans Stutter

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

Celebrating...

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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Little Johnny

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In case you've ever wondered what "little Johnny" LOOKS like (you know the one who is always the character of those 'stories' we get in email jokes), well here he is.

(Not that you wouldn't be able to tell, but he's the kid in the lower left of the photo, in the red shirt.)

Monday, January 15, 2007

More on Blondes

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How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof?
Tell her that the drinks are on the house.
~~~
What is the connection between a
blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on
the front of a Ford Escort.
~~~

The Year 1906

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Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1906:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

Milkybar Munchies

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Milkybar is one of the UK and Ireland's best loved brands, and is the No.1 White Chocolate brand.

Launched in 1936, Milkybar is enjoyed by both kids and adults alike, and is Nestle Confectionery's 11th oldest brand. Source: Nestle.uk

The Midget

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There was a midget who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always talking about his aching testicles his friend suggested that he go to the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Ned

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Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

To My Dearest Wife

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To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:

Saturday, January 13, 2007

More Than One Size

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An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol'lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

Outdoor Plants Can Kill You!

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Never bring outdoor plants into the house. Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Word of Advice

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As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend.

Smart Ass Answers

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SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

Navy Pilot

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During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The Drunk and the Ballerina...

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This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Which One Will He Marry?

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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

The Dean's Address

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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

No Speakah De English

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A bus stops and two men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Prostitute Parrots

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A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquires.

Monday, January 8, 2007

The Farmers Daughter

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In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing.

Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the “tip.”

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Single Black Female...

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SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

The Marriage

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A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died.

When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he’ll do his best to work on it for them.

Ticket Please

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Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said “You’ll see.”

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom.

Einstein, Picasso and Bush

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Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

The Test

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An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table… then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The Dirty Fork

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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”

The Parrot

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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.

Pickup Trucks

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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Brokeback Mountain

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1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

Food For Thought

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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: — NAÏVE!

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men? (Hmmmm)

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me…they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”?

Friday, January 5, 2007

The Statues

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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “that I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

The Pastor's Ass

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One day the pastor decided to enter his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

Fairy Tales

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“Mommy, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’?”
“No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with ‘If I am elected’.”

Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party: “I feel like a 20-year old! Unfortunately, there aren’t any here.”

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Ladies Only

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Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.

The Joy of Being Retired

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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break”?