Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Breaking News

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Importance: High

There is a virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

Dear Abby

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Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Regular or Decaf?

No comments:
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.

“. . .and to drink?” she asked.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Can of Worms

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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Definitive Answer

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The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.

“All right” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”

Friday, October 27, 2006

Normal

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The other day some friends and I were discussing one of the few recurrent philosophical topics that come up in our conversations: society as a whole.

It was taking its usual course; one of my friends insisted that society was going to hell, the other was somewhat neutral, and I thought that people were becoming more tolerating of differences.

Fairy Tale

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Once upon a time,
a girl asked a guy,
“Will you marry me???”

The guy said “No,”

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Getting Old

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~Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

Hicksville

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There was a feud between the pastor and the choir director of the Hicksville Southern Baptist Church!

It seems the first hint of trouble came when the pastor preached on “dedicating ourselves to service” and the choir director chose to sing: “I Shall Not Be Moved.”

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Birthday Gift...

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Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

The Argument

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

Finally Together

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She married and had 11 children then her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children and again her husband died.

But, she remarried again and this time had 5 more children and still again her husband died.

Why I Love Mom

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Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.”

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

Bubba and Junior

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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

She was Sooooo Blonde...

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She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says
"Sign here" she wrote "Sagittarius."

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

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Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/4 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl~

Pick up the cat then pet and soothe him lovingly while you carry him towards the bathroom~

The Costumes

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An old couple that hadn’t celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

Or What?

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A man comes to his doctor and tells him that hes wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The Wasp

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A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife’s business end. Naturally enough, she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.

Dynamite!

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A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!”

Olaf and Sven

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Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

“Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,” he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

Kid Rock!

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A Kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT??" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move."

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sweet Revenge

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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Tickle Me Elmo

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Insurance Claims

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“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.” (thanks N Bradley)

“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.” (from an Australian claim form - Jack N Shepherd)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Girl Scouts

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While leading a party of girl scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in “69″.

“Back ladies, back!!!” cried the leader, “There’s a very dangerous beast out there!” But it was too late, several of her charges had more-or-less seen all.

Banking Her Way

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A 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

Speeding...

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I got stopped for speeding the other day…

I thought I could talk my way out of it until

the cop looked at my dog in the back seat.

Doggy Style

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Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin’ at it on a lawn. One guy, who’s married, looks at the other and says, “Jeez, I’d give anything to do it to my wife like that.”

The other, a single guy, says, “Heck, that’s easy. Just feed her three martinis!!!”

Them Thar...

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A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, “I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticide on it. Where do I find ‘em?”

The pharmacist replied, “Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They’re on aisle 4.”

Monday, October 16, 2006

The 20 Dollars

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Chinese Sayings

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“Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.”

“Passionate kiss like spider web -
soon lead to undoing of fly.”

The Radar Cop

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While she was “flying” down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic, patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”

Saturday, October 14, 2006

The Therapist

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A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

“Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.

Friday, October 13, 2006

The Nooner

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A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a “nooner.”

“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, there’s no risk.”

Thursday, October 12, 2006

The Plumber

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A plumber was called to woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.

When he arrived, he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Blonde

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A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he’ll open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Town Car

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I bought a new Lincoln Town Car about two weeks ago.

I had to return to the dealer the week after I bought it because I couldn’t figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. He said, Watch this! The salesman said, Nelson! The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?

Osama and the Genie

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While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, “Master, may I grant you one wish?”

Monday, October 9, 2006

The Honeymoon

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A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

Driven to Despair

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A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60 mph, the wife behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce!”

Sunday, October 8, 2006

Too Early?

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Friday, October 6, 2006

No To Everything

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A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, “My mother told me to say no to everything.”

“Well,” he said, “do you mind if I put my arm around you?”

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

The Doctor’s Note

1 comment:
The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

Mr. Wallace

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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

Are You...

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He’s rather taken a back, because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?”

Bedtimes Email

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If you receive an email entitled “Bedtimes” delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

Performance Problem

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A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?”

“Oh, that’s not a problem anymore,” announces the proud physician. “They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history.” So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

Women Drivers

1 comment:
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

Monday, October 2, 2006

Scotch and Soda

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Guy goes into a bar. Bartender says “what’ll ya have, fella?”

Guy says: “S-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda.”

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to the guy, who says “th-th-th-th-th-thanks.”