Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Do You Have a 710?

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Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?”

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Ventriloquist

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A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone.

Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him.

More on Religion

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

Sam’s Club/Costco Scam

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I don’t how many of you shop at Sam’s Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!!

Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 30 year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.

Monday, August 28, 2006

The Portrait

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Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.

She told the artist, “Paint me with 3-caret diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant.”

Wait For Me...

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There are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

“Sure, I’d love to play,” says George, “but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

Boudreaux the Baptist

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Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Financially Strapped

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There’s this couple who are financially strapped. They’ve been trying to figure out a way to come up with the money so that they don’t lose their home. The wife didn’t have any ideas as to what to do. But the husband says, “Hey, we could sell you.” He said, “I really hate to do this to you, but we really have no other alternative.” She agrees to his idea.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Lonely Businessman

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It seems this fairly successful businessman in his early 30’s was getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find the perfect companion.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Blonde Humor

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FLORIDA OR THE MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.

One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”

Geography Lesson

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Geography of Women

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful and fertile.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

No Beer?

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She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.

Then I caught her spending:
$65.00 on make-up
$150 for a cut & color

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Guy Rules...

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Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

Chain Letter

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This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn’t cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

Damsel in Distress

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An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

So Sorry

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A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Seven Kinds

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The 1st kind of sex, is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face…

The 2nd kind of sex, is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

Redneck Letter From Home

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Dearest Son;

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

Ted Nugent

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“Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits.

The journalist asked, “What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, “Are you my friend?” or maybe, “Are you the one who killed my brother?”

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Newlyweds…

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Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. ‘Don’t worry Maria,’ says the mother. ‘Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.’

Da Bull…

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Pierre and Boudreaux

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Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airline to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulent an started bouncin around and Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Three Wishes

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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.”

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

New Physician

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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 83?”

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

My New Lexus 350

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I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn’t figure out how the radio worked…

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. “Watch this,” he said, “Nelson”! The Radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”

All About Blondes…

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~~Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see, “Closed for the Winter.”~~

~~Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.~~

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Mass

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”

2006 Darwin Awards

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Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it’s time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin ’s are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, there by removing themselves from the gene pool. This year’s nine nominees are:

The Wrong Way...

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A man and his wife were working in their garden one-day and the man looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.

Giving To The Needy

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A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Proud Texas Father

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A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?”

Monday, August 7, 2006

The Exchange

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I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me…

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

Sunday, August 6, 2006

Church Bells

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Saturday, August 5, 2006

The New Bride

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The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

Friday, August 4, 2006

The Escapee

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Corporate Lessons

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Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

The Hillbillies

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Two hillbillies walked into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Hollywood Squares

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If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.