Thursday, June 29, 2006

Arthritis

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A drunken man who smelled like a tavern sat down on a bench in Jackson Square, sitting by a Priest from the Cathedral. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

The Letter

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Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

No Fishing

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

The Honeymooners

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There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to be the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner, indeed he had never even seen her nude.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Pray @ Work?

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When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing “Good morning” to everyone and you think, “Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her”… You need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, “Office meeting in 5 minutes,” and you think, “What the f*&% do they want now?”… You need to pray at work.

The Wisdom of Grandma

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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,” Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

Think…

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Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back… or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did…

Monday, June 26, 2006

International Rules of Manhood

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1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

~When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

Friday, June 23, 2006

The Alabama Preacher

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The Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

It's Cheaper!

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About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.

10 Ways…

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10 Ways To Know If You Have Estrogen Issues…

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

Email

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I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because I’m a Man

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I will share equally in the housework.
You just do the laundry, the cooking,
the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
I’ll do the rest…like wandering around in
the yard with a beer analyzing what to do.

Best Dressed

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Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

The Egg Business & Politicians…

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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

West Virginia

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The governor’s mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof up in flames and he hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.

Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Trading Places

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

The Little Old Lady

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

The Preacher

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As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

Two Blonde Guys

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Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

Thursday, June 8, 2006

Father Norton

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Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

First Class

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A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

Dogs @ the Vet

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Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for? “I’m a pisser”, “I piss on everything”, the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

Moral of the Story

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A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. After a few students tell their stories, the rest of the class learns some of the morals you’d expect to hear, such as “don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “treat others as you’d like them to treat you.”

Hard Drinkers

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

Migraines

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A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

Baby Powder

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A married man goes out for a pack of cigarettes one night, and, since the store was closed and the next closest place open was a bar, he decides to go in and have a drink. After a couple of beers, a young blonde sits down beside him. The two start talking, and end up leaving together.

Nostalgic Encounter

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Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each others company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

The Horse

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

“What the hell was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.

The Tattoos

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A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated woman in his seedy tattoo shop, goes over to the woman immediately and asks if he can help her.

The Wise Rooster

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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fart, time to retire.”

The old rooster replies, “Come on, you can’t handle ALL these chickens. Look what it’s done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”

The Wish

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

Leaving Work Early

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There are three ladies working together in the same office - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early.

Birthday Gift

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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife’s birthday. But she was willing to let it pass if he made it up to her in the right way.

His wife told him “Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat”.

The Hotel Bill

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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

Air-Traffic Control

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Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!” Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.” “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Bubba

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Bubba died in a fire, and his body was burned severely. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

The Confession

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A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”

Monday, June 5, 2006

Professional Animosity

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Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Satan

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A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Saturday, June 3, 2006

The Pope's Driver

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After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

Friday, June 2, 2006

Little Mary

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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ‘’Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'’