Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Bronze Sculpture

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A tourist wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Lincoln and Kennedy

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Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

St. Peter

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One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven.

St. Peter is there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: They each will have to answer a single question.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Guido and the Beautiful Blonde

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A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”

Friday, May 26, 2006

Last Request

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A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?”

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Lawyer Jokes

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Q: What’s the difference between a dead armadillo in the road
and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the armadillo.

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country
while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Heaven or Hell

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< A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Brooms

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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Only In America

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Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

If Only...

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A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s breast a little feel and says, “Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Poetry Contest

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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Friday, May 19, 2006

Southern Virgin

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There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Redneck Mirror

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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Camel

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Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer arrived at his first posting, the command of a tiny fort in the middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest town.

His new second-in-command is showing him around the base, when just outside the fort’s walls they come across a decrepit, flea-ridden old camel.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Why I Am So Tired

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For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But not I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Wild Weekend

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A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I have a problem.”

“My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday; my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.”

“I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.”

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Words to Live By

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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons, some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

Important Medical News

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American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you’d like to know…

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Evolution of Dance

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Judson Laipply (born March 22, 1976) is an American motivational speaker and dancer from Bucyrus, Ohio. He served as the state president of The Ohio Association of Student Councils from 1993 to 1994. He is best known for his performance in the Evolution of Dance viral video clip. He has worked as a public speaker since 2000.

Friday, May 12, 2006

George Carlin

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Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

The Cadillac DeVille

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A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

“What can I do for y’all?” asks the attendant.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

NBA or NFL

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36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Head and Shoulders

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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in.

After a couple of floors he leaves the elevator. After he left the red head said, “Man was he hot!” The brunette said, “Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders.”

Monday, May 8, 2006

Government Project

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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

Sunday, May 7, 2006

Ron's Story

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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Saturday, May 6, 2006

The Impending Crash

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A passenger jet looses all of its engines and the passengers know they are going to crash. There are three women sitting next to each other in one of the rows.

The Italian woman opens her purse and begins pinning money all over her clothing.

Friday, May 5, 2006

Yankee Ingenuity

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I have a friend who is president of his homeowner’s association down in Washington. They are having a terrible problem with trash on the side of the road that is around his association’s homes.

The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is, there is being built just next to them, six new homes…big ones! Wallace said the trash is coming from the Mexican work crews working at the construction sites. (McDonald Bags, Burger King trash, etc).

Thursday, May 4, 2006

E-Mail Virus

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I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

Rude Customer

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Indeed, an award should go to the Air Malta gate attendant at Luqa airport: some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

Tuesday, May 2, 2006

Sneaky Copper

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Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a local trooper. He saunters up, taps on the window with nightstick, and the driver rolls it down. Suddenly, the copper wacks the driver on the head…

Monday, May 1, 2006

Barracks Door

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The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open?”