Comedy Plus: July 2012

Old and New

Okay, got to poke fun at the other side of the aisle too...

Original Chinese Proverb:

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

New Proverb:

Give a man a welfare check, a cell phone, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, Medicaid, 100 weeks of unemployment checks, a 40-ounce malt liquor, needles, drugs, contraceptives, and designer Air Jordan shoes and
he will vote Democrat for a lifetime.

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. In a few days I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want. If someone derails the story will one of you put it back on track? Thanks for playing along and have a great day.

Here's the beginning of our new story: Dave and Linda just got married, but her new mother-in-law doesn't care for Linda one bit. Her biggest dislike about Linda is...

Silly Sunday #41

Are you funny? If so, please join in at Silly Sunday, co-hosted by Rhonda of Kibitz Spot and Laugh Quotes and Sandee of Comedy Plus. Rhonda is on a big adventure traveling the world until December 2, 2012. For more information about Silly Sunday click HERE.

The rules are simple:

Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

The Horse and the Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. Silly Sunday Participants

1. Catch My Words ☼
2. Lauren
3. Kibitz Spot
4. Comedy Plus
5. Da Dude
6. Traveling Bells

7. Marg
8. Barb
9. Ron Russell
10. Empress Bee
11. Judy
12. BeadedTail

13. Jean(ie)
14. stevebethere
15. Stephen Hayes
16. Jim

Learn more about Silly Sunday here.
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Nonconformist Bird

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.

Fridays Fragments

Word verification sucks. The new one that blogger put out is almost impossible sometimes. It sure makes it difficult for old eyes to see what to type. I hate it and if I'm still visiting you and you use word verification then I must like you an awful lot. Sigh!

Have you noticed how some folks are overly sensitive on the Internet? I do mean OVERLY sensitive. They will admonish anyone and everyone over the slightest little thing. In other words if they don't share your opinion on any given issue it's war. Most of them you can't trace back to a website. Cowards.

The world is getting crazier and crazier and people seem to be getting more hateful. I live in the central valley of California and homicides are a normal part of the area. We just had a murder/suicide two days ago. Just down the street from us.

Why is it that all the really good food is fattening and if it's not all that good you can eat all you want? Pretty much true.

While I'm on the subject of food, remember when you were young and you could eat anything you wanted and you didn't get fat? Yeah, me too. It sure has changed now that I'm in my 60s.

Also, when you looked hot in a bikini (okay, swim trunks for you guys) you couldn't afford to buy one, but now that you can afford one, you don't look hot at all. No matter what you wear. Bwahahahahahaha. This really does crack me up.

I think I've rambled enough so have a terrific weekend everyone.

Politics 101

One of my daily stops is Mike at A Five Minute Vacation. He has many topics he covers but I really like it when he writes about politics. We, as a nation, are so very divided. It's a shame, because the really important things are often overlooked because people are stuck on their party lines. It doesn't matter what wrong the politicians commit they stick to their party line.

I place economy among the first and most important of republican virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. And to preserve independence, we much not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. We must make our election between economy and liberty, not profusion and servitude. Thomas Jefferson

To steal from one person is theft. To steal from many is taxation.

People try to live within their incomes so they can afford to pay taxes to a government that can't live withing its income. Robert Half

Serfs in the Middle Ages had to give up 20% of their income yearly and that made them virtual slaves. Today the average American pays 47%. What does that make Americans? Kenneth Prazak

There are two distinct classes of men - those who pay taxes and those who receive and live upon taxes. Thomas Pain

Here's what Mike had to say about our current nightmare of an election.

To fix a problem, we must first recognize what the problem is. Both the Democrats and the Republicans are spending billions pointing fingers at each other, when we need to be pointing our fingers at both of them. As you think about where your loyalty lies, and where your vote is going this year, keep these things in mind. If you play party politics; welcome to the witless class. They have you right where they want you.

Mike is right on the money. Right. On. The. Money. They fight over birth certificates, tax returns, college transcripts and other stupid stuff. What really matters? THE ECONOMY!

Wednesdays Question #59

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. It's time to ponder and then answer just one question. Okay, you can add all you want as a reason for your answer too. We'd all like that.

So here's this weeks question: You've just grilled that cheeseburger and now it's time to pile it high with goodies. What's going to be in that cheeseburger?

Let's see...Mayo, mustard, onion, lettuce, and tomato. Let's not forget the fries either.

Ford F-150

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned, "This must be a Republican truck."

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership. Darned guy had no sense of humor!

Before anyone scolds me for this joke keep in mind that I'm not thrilled with either party, and making fun of politicians is lots of fun no matter what side of the aisle they are on. You can flip this one around if you are a democrat and it will still be funny.

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

Grandchildren

How children perceive their Grandparents...

1. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

2. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."

A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

3. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

4. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

5. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings

Silly Sunday #40

Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

How children perceive their Grandparents...

1. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

2. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

3. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

4. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'ay' to 'I' and add 'e's."

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings Silly Sunday Participants

1. bethere2day
2. Don E Chute
3. Woodsterman
4. Kibitz Spot
5. Comedy Plus
6. Catch My Words ♥
7. Nick's Bytes

8. Barb
9. Driller
10. Empress Bee
11. Marg
12. Traveling Bells
13. Bearman
14. Rajogopalan

15. Catherine
16. Stephen Hayes
17. Jim
18. Judy
19. Ann
20. Rhonda

Learn more about Silly Sunday here.
View More Silly Sunday Participants
Get The Code

Grandchildren

How children perceive their Grandparents...

1. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

2. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''

"You're both old," he replied.

3. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings

Grandchildren

How children perceive their Grandparents...

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.

After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80.

My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings

Politics

You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

Wednesdays Question #58

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question: If you could visit anywhere in the world where would you go and why?

Germany would be my first choice. Hubby spent a great deal of time there during the Vietnam war, compliments of the U.S. Army. I would just love to see where he served, stayed and traveled. I would also love to visit Switzerland and Italy.

Internet Warning!

Nancy Pelosi PicturesIf you get an e-mail titled “Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,” don’t open it. It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.
Hat tip: ♥Hubby♥

More Bad Predictions

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"It will be years -- not in my time -- before a woman will become Prime Minister." -- Margaret Thatcher, 1974.

"I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone." -- Charles Darwin, The Origin Of Species, 1869.

"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968.

Silly Sunday #39

Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

Bad Predictions

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." -- Sir William Henry Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." -- Lee De Forest, inventor.
Silly Sunday Participants

1. bethere2day
2. Woodsterman
3. Laugh Quotes
4. Kibitz Spot
5. Comedy Plus
6. Lauren
7. Catch My Words ♥

8. Bearman
9. Ann
10. Barb
11. Marg
12. Empress Bee
13. Stephen Hayes
14. Jean(ie)

15. Ivanhoe
16. Ron Russell
17. Crack You Whip
18. Judy
19. Rocks
20. Jim

Learn more about Silly Sunday here.
View More Silly Sunday Participants
Get The Code

Kids on Medicine

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For fractures: To see if the limb is broken, giggle it gently back and forth."

"For dust in the eye: Pull the eye down over the nose."

"Blood flows down one leg and back the other."

"When you haven't enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"Many women believe that an alcoholic beverage will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

Kids - Part II

"The Seventh Commandment is, 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'"
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada."
"Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."
"The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him."
"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar."
"David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times."
"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."
"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."
"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity."
"Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."
"In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony."

Kids - Part I

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off."
"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."
"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."
"Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears."
"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."
"Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah."
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients."
"The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert."
"Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments."
"The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."
"The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother."

Wednesdays Question #57

I love the mystery/crime novels the very best. I can't say that I have a favorite author, but I love James Patterson, Dean Koontz, Lisa Gardner, Johnathan Kellerman, John Sandford and Nora Roberts, and just for fun Janet Evanovich.

Little Johnny

A teacher was giving a talk on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, come fly the friendly skies?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now Little Johnny, tell me which company bears the slogan, just do it?"

And Little Johnny answered, "Mom."

Black Heart

A current track this week by Stooshe currently No.5 in the UK charts. I ♥ this song. Enjoy, and have a great week!

Hat tip: Steve of bethere2day
Image Credit: Digital Spy

Silly Sunday #38

Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

A Lawyer

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"

The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
Silly Sunday Participants

1. bethere2day
2. Laugh Quotes
3. Kibitz Spot
4. Woodsterman
5. Margs Pets
6. Don E. Chute
7. Comedy Plus
8. Catch My Words ♥

9. Traveling Bells
10. Linda
11. Jean(ie)
12. Stacie
13. Ron Russell
14. Ann
15. Stephen Hayes
16. Barb

17. Judy
18. Binky
19. Empress Bee
20. Lauren
21. Jim
22. Rajogopalan

Learn more about Silly Sunday here.
View More Silly Sunday Participants
Get The Code

The Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. Amazingly, the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the porch...

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings

A Lesson in Irony

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."

Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This concludes today's lesson.

Hat Tip: Phil of Phils Phun

The Introvert

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?"

She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed.

The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments."

The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean $500?"

Happy 4th America

Happy Independence Day America!

Independence Day, commonly known as the Fourth of July, is a federal holiday in the United States commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain. Independence Day is commonly associated with fireworks, parades, barbecues, carnivals, fairs, picnics, concerts, baseball games, family reunions, and political speeches and ceremonies, in addition to various other public and private events celebrating the history, government, and traditions of the United States. Independence Day is the national day of the United States

Source: Wikipedia

The Private Club

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?"

"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2013 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $90,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $950,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $920,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Scary Flight

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

Silly Sunday #37

Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

The Ministers Joke

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

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