The Lawn

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

The Drunk

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

Rump Steak

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

Wednesdays Question #43

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question:

Name something that makes your blood boil?

A Millionaire...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started.

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

The Economy

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Silly Sunday #23

Are you funny? If so, please join in at Silly Sunday, co-hosted by Rhonda of Laugh Quotes and Sandee of Comedy Plus. Rhonda is on a big adventure traveling the world until December 2, 2012. For more information about Silly Sunday click HERE.

The rules are simple:

• Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
• Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
• If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

Silly Sunday Participants

1. bethere2day 2. Spunky Doodle 3. Kibitz Spot 4. Comedy Plus 5. Woodsterman

6. Catch My Words ♥ 7. Barb 8. Traveling Bells 9. Marg 10. Empress Bee

11. William K Wallace 12. Judy 13. Binky 14. Ann 15. Jim

Learn more about Silly Sunday here.
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Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?

Signed...
Concerned Golfer

Political Quotes

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down YOUR life for his country. ~Texas Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

Hat tip: Duffy L.

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

Wednesdays Question #42

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question:

Are you a people person, or are you more of a loner?

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

Silly Sunday #22

Are you funny? If so, please join in at Silly Sunday, hosted by Rhonda of Laugh Quotes.

The rules are simple:

• Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
• Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
• If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama Silly Sunday Participants

1. bethere2day 2. Barb 3. Marg 4. Ann 5. Empress Bee

6. Traveling Bells 7. Laugh Quotes 8. Judy 9. Tony McGurk 10. Woodsterman

11. Jim 12. Binky 13. William K Wallace 14. Bearman

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Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

Bubba and Lulu

This is the completed Story Game of "Bubba and Lulu" that you all did an outstanding job in authoring.

Bubba and Lulu have been together for many years and Bubba is starting to break earth shattering wind by the day to Lulu's distaste. After incessant insisting from Lulu, that he see a doctor about it, Bubba reluctantly sat on the examination table waiting to hear the results. The doctor turned to Bubba, shook his head and said, "Can you tell me when you are most likely to have these spells?"

Bubba replied, "Oh doc, I really am ashamed to say when. I don't want to tell and I am leaving." Out the door he went, and headed for his hideaway.

Lulu smiled to herself as Bubba thought she did not know where his hideaway was. Off she went to find him. He was, of course, in the bakery down the street ordering up one of those cakes he loved! Next he decided to order a half dozen cupcakes to go, knowing how much LuLu loved them. He was torn between the Red Velvet Cupcakes or Lemon. Finally he decided to get some little portions of each kind of cake and eat all of them and bring Lulu some flowers, but unfortunately he decided to go for the Lemon!

Then he walked out with Lulu following close behind wearing a gas mask! Perhaps now they could go to an open-air cafe and thoroughly vent the situation before going to the the gym to burn off all those calories they enjoyed from those huge cream cakes they just ate at the cafe. Then they entered the sauna after their strenuous workout. While sitting there Bubba got the overwhelming urge to toot, but knew that there were people around.

Lulu noticed his face getting purple from holding his breath and she cried for help but it seems no one is paying them any mind so she rushed him to the hospital emergency room. They proceeded to take Bubba to the operating room for surgery where they did a colonoscopy and saw the reason why he was breaking earth shattering wind. The doctor informed Bubba that he was lactose intolerant. Bubba was also told what foods he could no longer eat, and at the top of the list was baked goods.

Bubba didn't like the idea of not having his baked goods, and he figured that he could spurge now and then. Lulu will just have to deal with the gas as she's always done, after all what's a little gas between a husband and wife?

Contributing authors (In order of appearance):

Steve of Stevebethere
Mike of A Five Minute Vacation
DrillerAA09 of Driller's Place
Lydia of On The Verge
Jim of Jim's Little Blog

Jean of Life in My Happy Place
Judy Haughton-James of Judy H-J's Thoughts
Empress Bee of Muffin53
Barb of TheDailyGs
Marg of Margs Pets

Stephen Hayes of The Chubby Chatterbox
Chinmay of Our Funarena!
Grace of Dragon's Alley
Ron Russell of TOTUS: Conservative Political Commentary
William K Wallace of London Is Cool

Ann of Ann's Snap Edit & Scrap
Ivanhoe of From Ohio with Love
Rocks of Rocks Daily
Merlmd of Life, Day by Day

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to the Story Game. You are all awesome!

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

Wednesdays Question #41

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question:

Are you a risk taker or do you play it safe?

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Hat tip: Dave and Linda from Alabama

Occupy Mentality

"I'll run over and pick up our welfare check, then drop by the university to see what's holding up my federal education grant, meanwhile you go to the free clinic to check on your scabies and pick up my new glasses, and then we will meet at the federal building at noon for the mass picketing of the stinking establishment."

Hat tip: Nick M.

Silly Sunday #21

Are you funny? If so, please join in at Silly Sunday, hosted by Rhonda of Laugh Quotes.

The rules are simple:

• Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
• Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
• If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

Why Women are Happier than Men

1. Aren't forced to compensate for their fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout their formative years.


2. Can sit and read every time they go to the bathroom.


3. Can spend time alone with Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and Baptist Youth ministers without feeling sexually threatened.


4. Don't worry about going bald.


5. Don't have to constantly answer "What are you gonna be when you grow up?" shortly after their third birthday.


6. Don't have to run a super-sharp piece of metal over their facial epidermal layer each and every morning of their adult lives.


7. Can bludgeon someone to death with a baseball bat and then get off scot-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance."


8. Can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off scot-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse."


9. Know exactly what to do when a child is sick.


10. Don't have a freaky, semi-oedipal relationship with their overbearing mothers.


11. Don't ever have to spit.


12. Don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blowing a huge loogie out the other.


13. Have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a Petri Dish for bacteria development.


14. Never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event.


15. Don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for their collection of baseball caps.


16. Never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on OLN.


17. Can tell their doctors anything.

Silly Sunday Participants

1. bethere2day 2. Laugh Quotes 3. Barb 4. Tony McGurk 5. Ann

6. Empress Bee 7. Marg 8. Stephen Hayes 9. Judy 10. Comedy Plus

11. Jim 12. Binky 13. Silver Thoughts 14. Traveling Bells

Learn more about Silly Sunday here.
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Men are Happier

Why Men are Happier than Women

1. We know stuff about tanks.
2. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
3. We can open all our own jars.
4. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
5. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
6. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
7. Everything on our face stays its original color.
8. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
9. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
10. We almost never have strap problems in public.
11. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
12. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
13. We don't have to shave below our neck.
14. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
15. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
16. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
17. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
18. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Men are Happier

Why Men are Happier than Women

1. We keep our last name.


2. The garage is all ours.


3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.


4. Chocolate is just another snack.


5. We can be president.


6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.


7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.


8. The world is our urinal.


9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.


10. Same work, more pay.


11. Wrinkles add character.


12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.


13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.


14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.


15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.


16. One mood, ALL the time.


17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. In a few days I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want. If someone derails the story will one of you put it back on track? Thanks for playing along and have a great day.

Here's the beginning of our new story: Bubba and Lulu have been together for many years and Bubba is starting to ...

Wednesdays Question #40

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question:

Have you ever hurt someones feelings when you thought you were doing a good thing?

The Tap

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times.

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford Station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We've not played since December of last year, so we are long overdue.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Roses or Carnations?

Silly Sunday #20

Are you funny? If so, please join in at Silly Sunday, hosted by Rhonda of Laugh Quotes.

The rules are simple:

• Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
• Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
• If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

Male Dining

A group of 15-year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jennie Johnson, the cute girl in Social Studies, lived on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover, and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waitresses had nice boobs and wore tight pants.

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Hat tip: ♥♥Hubby♥♥
Silly Sunday Participants

1. bethere2day 2. Laugh Quotes 3. Sugar 4. Barb 5. Marg 6. Traveling Bells

7. Empress Bee 8. Stephen Hayes 9. Jean 10. Judy 11. Rocks 12. Mike

13. Jim 14. Ann 15. Silver Thoughts 16. Bearman 17. Skunkfeathers

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We Love You Whitey

Whitey has been sick for a very long time, and many of you have been praying for him and for his mom Barb of The Daily Gs. Whitey just couldn't stay any longer and went to the bridge. It's breaking my heart for both him and especially for Barb. Here's what Barb had to say:

Last night I spent all night with him; loving him, touching him and talking to him. While we sat together I started going through some of my photos so I could chose one for this post. So many wonderful photos... but then I came upon this one. This was taken just 3 months after I first brought Whitey home to live with Gandalf and Grayson. It was Thanksgiving Day 2009. They were in my office window, whiffing the fresh airs and all the good Thanksgiving Day smells. And they were finally buddies, for the first time. It will always be one of my most favorite moments. Whitey liked it pretty good, too.

Love you Barb and we are sending you big healing hugs.

Liverpool Football

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media loves the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day... Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and sexually assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time?"

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry?," screams his mum, "It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!"

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

That Floozie

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:

"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6:30 not the 4:30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss, no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun