Thursday, December 20, 2012

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine.  I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X - Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas.  I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

*****

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

*****

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones

*****

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

*****

Now Look Here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

T - Bone

*****

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a G - banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

*****

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

*****

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

Hat tip: Nick M.
Image Credit: Fondos de Pantalla



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25 comments :

  1. Don't mess with Santa, dude.

    Have a lovely day, honey! big hugs xoxo

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  2. It is NOT wise to trifle with a fat guy in the midst of a really grueling trip, being sprayed by reindeer 'stuff' all the way...

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  3. Santa rules, Petunia! Good one:)

    Big hugs, honey...

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  4. As usual, Mom is laughing out loud. That was very funny. Way to go Santa. He is one smart dude. Take care.

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  5. oh yeah, the big guy wins hands down, take that you little wiseguy! lol

    smiles, bee
    xxooxoxxoxo

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  6. Hahaha ... it's like a job application. It Can't be imagined if millions of children in the world send a letter to Santa Claus. If He uses email, maybe Santa Claus would make "an automated email responder program".

    Thanks for a nice post, Grandma. :)

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  7. LOL! It was so funny to see how the tone changed with each letter! Love it! Have a wonderful day Sandee.

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  8. Let's run this santa for office. He has MY vote.

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  9. Go Santa!!!!!!
    Sad commentary on the times :-(

    Have a wonderful Christmas!!!!!!

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  10. That's tell him Santa!

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  11. Damn! Talk about things spinning out of control!

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  12. Go Santa. Don't mess with the man....lol

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  13. Don't mess with Santa.

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  14. I heard this one the other day and I absolutely loved it!!

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  15. LOL I like that Santa

    Have a brilliant day and don't forget..be nice to Santa

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  16. Never mess with Santa, he makes the CIA look amateurish.

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  17. I would have to agree with Barb, don't mess with Santa!

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  18. This one me seriously laughing my butt off!
    Don't ever mess with Santa!

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  19. LOL!!! You better watch out for Santa! I enjoyed this Sandee! Thanks for sharing:-)

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