The Exam

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

The MIL

A game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother in law. One morning, while deep in the forest, the wife awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother in law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Groundhog Day 2012

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

Hat tip: Das Skunkmeister of Skunkfeathers

Wednesdays Question #34

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question:

It seems that more and more people are less and less tolerant about anything and everything. Why do you suppose that is?

The Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

The Cabbie

Three men hail a taxi. The driver- seeing that they're drunk- decides to pull a fast one. So he switches the engine on, then quickly switches it off and announces, "We're here!"

The first guy hands him the fare, the second guy says, 'Thanks," but the third guy angrily smacks the cabbie's head.

"What was that for?", asks the cabbie, afraid he's been caught.

"That," says the passenger, "is for driving so fast!"

Hat tip: Rajagopalan of Just Out

Merry Christmas

For those of you that celebrate Christmas I wish you a Merry Christmas. For those that don't may you have a fantastic day. For our family, today is a day filled with family, good food, and remembering the reason for the season.

This is a new Christmas song and it's awesome. I hope this new group makes it to the top of the charts.


Best Viewed Full Screen
Thanks Phil of Phils Phun

A Stable?

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.

When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."

The Horse

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has in training. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today, the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start. The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only half a furlong.

He gives the horse an great backhand on the rump. Nothing.

He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder. Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says, "Will you stop it with that whip? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk!"

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

Christmas

A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had 'disappeared.' The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you!?"

The husband said, 'Darling - do you remember that jewelery shop where you saw that diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it? I didn't have money to buy it for you then, but I told you, sweetheart, one day that necklace will be yours.'

The wife, blushing and with a smile replied, 'Yes, my darling! I remember that day!'

To which the husband said, 'Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.'

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

Wednesdays Question #33

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question:

If you could personally witness one event in history, what would you want to see?

Easy Chicken Recipe

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing...imagine that!

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.. Give this a try.

1 chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 200 degrees
Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper
Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat!

And you thought I couldn't cook ...

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings

ABC...

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot.

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, and K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

Hat tip: Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

Silly Sunday #15

Rhonda of Laugh Quotes has a meme called Silly Sunday. Go HERE for the simple rules.

On Friday I did a post on Stupid People wherein most everyone that commented added their own favorite saying(s). Feel free to do so again today.

• A few crumbs short of a crouton.
• A few clowns short of a circus.
• A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
• An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
• A few beers short of a six-pack.
• A few peas short of a casserole.
• The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
• One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
• One taco short of a combination plate.
• A few feathers short of a whole duck.

Silly Sunday Participants

1. Sandee 2. Marg 3. stevebethere 4. Barb

5. Judy 6. Empress Bee 7. Mike 8. Stephen Hayes

9. Grace 10. Lost 11. Sucen

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The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are home this weekend instead of on our boat because there's so many thing to do to get ready for Christmas.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Breadcrumb stuffing or cornbread stuffing?

Stupid People

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.


• As smart as bait.


• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.


• Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.


• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.


• Forgot to pay his brain bill.


• His belt doesn't go through all the loops.


• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.


• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.


• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.


• Receiver is off the hook.


• Surfing in Nebraska.


• An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.


• A few beers short of a six-pack.


• A few peas short of a casserole.


• The cheese slid off his cracker.


• Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.


• Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.


• He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.


• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

First Four

One of my blogging buddies sent this to me and I searched for the first four words that describe me. It was fun and I thought I'd share this with all of you. Go ahead, what are the first four words you found? And does it ring true?

Wednesdays Question #32

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question:

Winter wonderland or a tropical beach?

Run, Run

A Scotsman moves to Chicago and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming, "Run."

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers, "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RUN!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams, "Walk with pride, Laddie! Walk with pride."

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

Taming the Lion

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

Silly Sunday #14

Rhonda of Laugh Quotes has a meme called Silly Sunday. Go HERE for the simple rules.

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "Your work history is terrible. You`ve been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive "there`s not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I`m not a quitter."

Silly Sunday Participants

1. Comedy Plus 2. Mike 3. stevebethere 4. Barb 5. Judy 6. Marg

7. Jean 8. Rajagopalan 9. Stephen Hayes 10. Ann 11. Bearman 12. Awww Mondays

13. Kibitz Spot 14. Laugh Quotes 15. Traveling Bells 16. Empress Bee

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Only Pleasure in Life

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight."

The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.

He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 11, and my son just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

Sugar's Furry Friend

I'm a BIG fan of Sugar the Golden Retriever. She and her mom, Maria Rosalyn Acero, are a daily read of mine. Sugar's mom wrote a book called Sugar's Furry Friend. I purchased a copy and read it a few days ago. The book is geared for children ages 3 to 6 years old, but I found it a very pleasant read. Here's what Toni F., Teacher said:

"Sugar's Furry Friend is a delightful children's book about a Golden Retriever who discovers a chipmunk in her backyard. As the story unfolds through four seasons, the visually appealing illustrations not only capture the true to nature course of time, but also the heart-warming joy found in the budding friendship between the two."

The seasons play a very large part in this book and the interaction between Sugar and the chipmunk. During spring and summer they play and have fun and then in the fall the chipmunk is busy getting ready for winter. Pretty soon the chipmunk is gone and Sugar waits for the chipmunk to return. And in the spring the chipmunk does return and the process is repeated.

I found the book delightful and intend on giving it to my great grand-baby. If you want to purchase this delightful children's book and also support a fellow blogger go HERE to purchase Sugar's Furry Friend. I know your little ones will enjoy it very much. There is also a puzzle you can purchase too, and if you order soon you'll have either one or both before Christmas.

$100.00

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. He decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and those creeps took $95.00 in taxes.

Hat tip: Jodi of Jodi's Journey

Wednesdays Question #31

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question:

Do you agree with the Occupy Wall Street movement? Why or why not?

Bob and Mary

This is the completed Story Game of "Bob and Mary" that you all did an outstanding job in authoring.

Bob and Mary just finished three days of holiday shopping when Mary discovered that she had forgotten something important and essential. She had not gotten anything for Bob. Since it was Cyber Monday, Mary sat down at the computer and typed in http://www.amazon.com, thinking she might get him a book on how to bake a cake but instead she found a great sale on cartoon character underwear, a whole set for only $300!

But that is too expensive. I have seven grandchildren. I better try that search again. An in depth research revealed that 7 sets of undergarments is only $300. Hence Bob decided to clinch the deal, because, what is Christmas without some Batman Underwear? He pulled his still warm credit card from his wallet, bought the underwear and decided to have cake for lunch!

Then he pondered about secretly buying that special necklace with Mary's birthstone. It was on sale and he knew how much she wanted one. He bought it and said I am going to hide it in the underwear. She'll NEVER think to look for it there. I'll take it out and wrap it up at the last minute.

Unfortunately, that turned out to be a bad idea, because when Mary discovered she was still wearing a blouse she decided to try on in one of the stores, so she grabbed the underwear and and put them on and decided to give Bob an early Christmas treat!

Bob HAD to figure out if the necklace was still encapsulated in the underwear his wife was showcasing to him. Nervously, like an inept schoolboy, he tenderly pulled back the elastic band emblazoned with the Bat-logo when the doorbell rang. Who was at the door? The pastor of our church and here's my wife dancing around in my batman underwear. We should have closed the curtains because our pastor was getting a real show. I hustled my wife off to our bedroom and answered the door. Our poor pastor was embarrassed beyond belief, but I was in worse shape than him.

After the pastor left I went to our bedroom to find my wife in tears about the pastor watching her dance in batman underwear. There was no consoling her either. She got dressed and left the bedroom and I began searching for the birthstone necklace. I couldn't find it anywhere. It just had disappeared. If fact I searched every room that my wife had been while she was giving me and our pastor a show and still couldn't find the necklace.

The necklace was on sale when I purchased it the first time, but it wasn't on sale when I purchased it the second time. I've learned a valuable lesson. Buy the gift, wrap it and put it under the Christmas tree. Don't hide it in your underwear drawer.

Contributing authors (In order of appearance):

Steve of Stevebethere
Barb of TheDailyGs
Marg of Margs Pets
Ivanhoe of From Ohio with Love
Russ of Grampy's World

Rajagopalan of Just Out
Mike of A Five Minute Vacation
Empress Bee of Muffin53
Judy Haughton-James of Judy H-J's Thoughts
DrillerAA09 of Driller's Place

Annie of A Nice Place In The Sun
Grampy of Mysterious World
Ron Russell of TOTUS: Conservative Political Commentary
George of Addanac City
Rence of Living the Filipino Dream

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to the Story Game. You are all awesome!

The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of Me," said Almighty God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere -- not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something else that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth Your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's those M&M's," said the nun. "They're so darn hard to peel..."

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

Silly Sunday #13

Rhonda of Laugh Quotes has a meme called Silly Sunday. Go HERE for the simple rules.

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, ”What is 2+2?” The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ”4.”

Then the mathematician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ”4.0.”

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ”What do you want it to be?”

Hat tip: BlackHumor.net

Silly Sunday Participants

1. Barb 2. Rhonda 3. Marg 4. Traveling Bells 5. Judy

6. Jean 7. Mike 8. Stephen Hayes 9. Stevebethere 10. Ann

11. Bearman 12. Binky 13. Sandee 14. Rajagopalan

Learn more about Silly Sunday here.
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This 'n' That

Today I woke up as staff commodore as last night I was relieved of my duties as commodore during our annual Change of Watch ceremony. It's a great feeling to have made it through all the working chairs unscathed. Our club is fiscally sound (one of my biggest goals) and I'm smiling from ear to ear.

This little gal is my great grand-baby Audi. She visited us for Thanksgiving dinner and I loved on her as much as I could (which was a lot). She is fascinated with our dog Little Bit.

Audi is walking now and it's adorable. She has a great big smile that makes everyone smile. She's the perfect great grand-baby. Well for hubby and I she is.

Have a terrific weekend everyone.

Cookie Day

Steve of Burnt Food Dude is participating in National Cookie Day. From today through December 4th you can participate by doing a post on your favorite cookie and include the recipe. Here's what Steve said, in part, about this National Holiday:

This holiday is for honoring and enjoying the sweet flavor of cookies and sharing them with friends and family. Let this holiday remind you of fond memories of days gone by. Let today be the day you learn to bake new cookie recipes and learn to decorate a cookie in a new way. Let today be the day you buy a new cookie cutter and enjoy using it by baking homemade cookies. Let today be the day you sit down with a tall cold glass of milk or hot coffee, a large plate of fresh cookies, and have no guilt at eating them all up.

White Christmas Dream Drops

Unlike traditional meringues, which are crisp all the way through, these are still chewy on the inside, like mini pavlovas but with white chocolate chips and plenty of peppermint. For an elegant touch, dip the edges in melted dark chocolate.

Ingredients

2 large egg whites, at room temperature
1/8 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/8 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup sugar
1 cup white chocolate chips
1/3 cup plus 1 1/2 tbsp. coarsely crushed peppermint candies

Preparation

1. Preheat oven to 250°. Beat egg whites and cream of tartar in a deep bowl with a mixer, using whisk attachment if you have one, just until soft peaks form. Add vanilla and salt. With motor running and mixer on high speed, pour in 1 tbsp. sugar and beat 10 to 15 seconds, then repeat until all sugar has been added. Scrape inside of bowl and beat another 15 seconds. At this point, meringue should form straight peaks when beaters are lifted. Fold in chocolate chips and 1/3 cup candies with a flexible spatula.


2. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper, using a bit of meringue at corners as glue. Using a soup spoon, drop meringue in rounded 1-tbsp. portions slightly apart onto sheets, scraping off with another spoon. Sprinkle with remaining 1 1/2 tbsp. candies.


3. Bake until meringues feel dry and set when touched but are still pale, 30 to 35 minutes, switching pan positions halfway through. Turn off oven, open door, and let cookies stand about 10 minutes. Let cool on pans.
   

Make ahead: Up to 2 days, stored airtight.

Dustin and Erin Beutin, Tustin, CA, Sunset DECEMBER 2011

Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Hat tip: Rajagopalan of Just Out