Lab Mice

At a weekend convention of biological scientists, Hannah, a researcher remarks to Pam, 'Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?'

'Really?' Pam replies, 'Why did you switch?'

'Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them.'

Photograph: Wikipedia

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are on the boat, but most of you already know that.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Pasta or Potatoes?

The Nuns

Four nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them.

Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there."

The third guy said, "I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there."

The fourth guy said, "I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there."

The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any nuns there!"

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Health Message

If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing... yet lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise!

Stolen from Phil of Phils Phun

Wordless Wednesday

In February hubby and I took a cruise on Carnival Glory out of Miami, Florida to the Eastern Caribbean. St. Thomas was our favorite island. From our first look right through the day we loved everything about St. Thomas. It was warm, the water was a beautiful blue and everyone seemed to be smiling, especially us.
Wordless Wednesday Participants

1. Mike Golch 2. Mid-Life Cruising! 3. Life Ramblings 4. Barb 5. Lois Grebowski 6. caite 7. Only Prettier 8. Carol 9. Meryl Jaffe 10. Sukhmandir Kaur 11. Buckeroomama

12. COLLEEN 13. Reno 14. Yakini 15. Empress Bee 16. Daddy Forever 17. New Jersey Memories 18. AVCr8teur 19. Fledgling Blogger 20. bethere2day 21. RenoTahoe 22. Grampys World

23. DrillerAA 24. WeeShenanigans 25. Media Photo 26. Shibley Smiles 27. All About Saving's 28. Colleen 29. Life Below Zero 30. London Is Cool 31. Ask Ms Recipe

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The Audit

A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact they are about to be audited during the coming month. Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!"

"I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead.

"Guys, I am about to be screwed beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy in anguish.

Just then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there listening. She now has a very thoughtful look on her face.

"Are you OK?" asks the guy.

"Yes," replies the woman, "but I was wondering... How do I go about getting audited?"

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Awww...Mondays #75

Credit: AP Photo/Keystone, Dominic Favre

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. DrillerAA 2. Barb 3. Sandy B 4. Empress Bee 5. Da Dude 6. Colleen

7. Marg 8. Don E. Chute 9. stevebethere 10. Anna 11. Ann 12. Colleen

13. Mike Golch 14. Man Over Board 15. Nilofer 16. Tony McGurk

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Identity Theft

BEWARE OF IDENTITY
THEFT THIS EASTER
Click on any photograph to biggify!







Happy Easter!

Ohio

YOU MIGHT BE FROM OHIO IF...

1. You've had to switch from AC to heat, in the same day.

2. You end your sentences with unnecessary prepositions, such as: "Where's my coat at?"

3. You install security lights on you home and garage, but leave them unlocked.

4. You think the 4 food groups are, beef, pork, beer and Jell-O salad.

5. You know what "pop" is.

6. You have designed your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

7. Your idea of sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.

8. The local newspaper covers headline news in two pages, but uses 6 pages for sports.

9. You think all pro football teams are supposed to wear orange.

10. You know Ohio's 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter & Construction.

11. You know what a Buckeye is, and have a recipe for candy ones too.

12. Your sense of direction, "toward the Lake" is the same as North, and "toward the river" is South.

13. You can tell if someone is from northern or southern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth.

14. You can spell words like: olentangy, cuyahoga, tuscarawas and wapakoneta.

15. "Vacation" to you means Cedar Point if it's summer, and deer hunting in the fall.

You measure distance in minutes.

16. Your school was closed due to cold. Your school was closed due to heat.

17. And finally, you might be from ohio if: you pronounce it "oh-hi-ya" and not "oh-hi-o"

New England

New England Temperature Conversion Chart

60° F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. New Englanders sunbathe.

50° F: New Yorkers turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens.

40° F: Italian & English cars won't start. New Englanders drive with the windows down.

32° F: Distilled water freezes. Maine's Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker.

20° F: Floridians put on coats coats, gloves, wool hats and thermal underwear. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.

15° F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0° F: All the people in Miami die. New Englanders close the windows.

10° below zero: Californians fly to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. New Englanders get out their winter coats.

40° below zero: Washington, D.C. runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep inside.

100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in New England get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."

460° below zero: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). New Englanders start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"

500° below zero: Hell freezes over. The Red Sox win the World Series.

Florida

You know it's July in Florida when:

1. Hot water comes out of both taps.

2. You find out that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.

3. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

4. You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.

5. The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

6. You burn your hand opening the car door.

7. The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.

8. You can make instant sun tea.

9. Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.

10. Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

11. When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.

12. Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.

13. You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.

14. You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

Montana

The following list of rules applies to each person as they enter Montana.

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are horses, cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 and I-94 go east and west, I-15 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed. We have quarter-million dollar, air conditioned tractors that we drive three weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat Walleye & Rainbow Trout. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and A-1.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Vikings and the Seattle Seahawks and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards ---- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Montana State or the University of Montana. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

16. We have more folks per capita in the Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Montana." If you do, you'll likely get your butt kicked.

Wordless Wednesday

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." — Will Rogers Wordless Wednesday Participants

1. Dogs 2. Speedcat 3. Ann 4. GrammyMouseTails 5. caite 6. project alicia 7. AussiePomm 8. Indrani 9. AVCr8teur 10. carol

11. Statue Of David 12. PamelaMKramer 13. Art of RetroCollage 14. Life Ramblings 15. Reno 16. Daddy Forever 17. bethere2day 18. London Is Cool 19. The cat dog log 20. DrillerAA

21. Sue St Clair 22. SUGAR 23. Buckeroomama 24. NCSue 25. Wee Shenanigans 26. Carol 27. Media 28. XmasDolly 29. Hawk 30. Ask ms Recipe

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The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?', she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000.

The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs ... after an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, 'Billings, Montana.'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings.'

'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that you can depend on three things in life:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
   

Hat tip: Dr. Vern B.

Awww...Mondays #74

Photograph: Golden Retriever Puppy from PuppiesDen.com


"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. Mike Golch 2. Tony McGurk 3. Sugar 4. Lois Grebowski

5. Barb 6. Empress Bee 7. Traveling Bells 8. Marg

9. Ann 10. Binky 11. Rajagopalan 12. stevebethere

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The Salesmen

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Current whereabouts: Boating

Girlie Wisdom

One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.

The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.

It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.

Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.

Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.

My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.

What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? It shrinks two sizes.

It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.

Current whereabouts: Boating

The Next Generation

Who said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves...

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
CHARLOTTE: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
CHARLOTTE: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
CHARLOTTE: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

Current whereabouts: Boating

The Minister's Widow

There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

Current whereabouts: Boating

Windy Pops

This is the completed Story Game of "Windy Pops" that you all did an outstanding job in authoring. The one thing that's always a constant in all these story games, is that someone always mentions cake. Enjoy your Story Game:

Spring is in the air and Mark's thoughts were turning towards love, but there was a problem... he was having a bout of windy pops. Windy pops is an old, little-known malady. The only way it can be treated is with a lot of finger pulling. Mark knew, from previous bouts of this dreaded malady, that it would be difficult to get the cooperation of many people.

Nonetheless, his desires were becoming stronger. He had to do something, but what would that be? He thought about calling Larry the Cable Guy, but that would not end well. Larry would only tell him that Windy Pops is the same as the Walking Farts that plagued Larry's grandmother for years. Larry would probably tell Mark to go to the men's room at Walmart, go into the "cripple stall", get a good grip on them grab bars and Git-R-Done. Somehow that just didn't seem appropriate. What to do, what to do.

He decide that , if he could not feel great, perhaps he could LOOK great. he meandered into a Paul Mitchell salon, and half hour later he was sporting the second worst haircut in the entire world! OMG! could this day get any worse????(he pondered) It was just then that Larry the Cable Guy's Grandmother, who happened to have THE worst haircut in the world, walked up to Mark and farted then asked him to pull her finger. Mark didn't know whether to or not.

Knowing that he couldn't approach his love interest with the pops, and looking so bad, Mark decided to take things into his own hands. He went straight home and Googled his predicament. What he found though was even more disturbing than his original problems. He was also out of CAKE! omg now what?

Mark thought I might be out of cake, but I have the very best thing to substitute...A fried peanut butter, banana and frieto Sandwich...Just like The King used to make, only the Queen was allergic to peanut butter..now what!!!! But the Queen wasn't really a lady, she had recently undergone a sex change and was in fact now half woman, half man!

Mark had difficulty in learning queen speak as he was originally from the Bronx. He took his jar of peanut butter and flew out the door on a rush of flatulent wind. He ran into the nearest Walgreens and headed for the pharmacy. Maybe they could solve his predicament. When the pharmacist turned to Mark he couldn't believe his eyes. It was none other than ELVIS!! and he wanted to know where his PB&B fried sammich was!

Mark said that he didn't have his sammich but that the best place in town to get a PB&B fried sammich was Miss Mabel's trailer park. Her trailer was a single wide which swayed under her lumbering swagger. She weighed at least 325 lbs., and that was from eating too many PB&B sammiches with beer and fried apple pies.

She lived next door to Larry The Cable Guys Sister Marleen, Marleen was so Fat that her trailer 'leened' almost up to Mabel's. Today Marleen was out for revenge as she was gonna take her walkin' farts and head over to Mable's for that fried sammy.

But first, Marleen had to lean over and try to get her fat feet into her shoes. When she did Marleen fell over and couldn't get back up. She forgot her first alert alarm across the single wide in the toilet room. Nobody could hear her cries for help except her 13 Cats, 7 of which did not survive the fall. Marleen crushed them when she hit the floor.

What a mess she exclaimed. Now I'm going to have to figure out how I can cook them and get them in to the freezer, STAT! Then she chuckled at her own joke and pulled a cat claw out of her behind. But as she turned to look at it, she saw it wasn't a cat claw at all... it was a it was a fish hook. What on earth is a fishhook doing here she thought.

Suddenly it all became clear as through the door walked Don the Chute. Why of course this trailer park is owned by none other then Don the Chute, a criminally insane championship fishermen and ex chef of Elvis. It was he who invented the once famous sammie and still to this day twas the highlight of his life. That and being married to Marleen who was secretly holding in the back of their single wide a cure for the windy pops. No one had ever heard Marleen fart. Ever.

Mark rushed over to Marleen and Don the Chute's single wide and begged for the cure to his windy pops. Please he pleaded. I've got a love interest that I can't pursue until I get rid of these windy pops. It'll cost you Don the Chute said. It'll cost you big. Mark said he would do whatever it took.

Mark no longer has the windy pops, but he's not pursued his love interest either. In fact he doesn't seem to be interested in girls at all. I wonder what Don the Chute made Mark do to get the cure for the windy pops?

Contributing authors (In order of appearance):

Steve of bethere2day
Jack K. of One Man's View from Lansing, KS
DrillerAA09 of Driller's Place
JJ of Another Day in Paradise
Barb of iPhoneographi

Matty of Matty Thoughts
Empress Bee (of the high sea) of Muffin53
Don E. Chute of Don E. Chute
Lauren of Think Spin
Ann of Ann's Snap Edit & Scrap

Gracie of Echoes of Grace
Sandy B of Traveling Bells
Katherine of Shoot Me Now
Tony McGurk of Life According To Tony
Glenn of Man Over Board

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to Windy Pops (Story Game). You are all awesome!

The Power of Words

I found this wonderful video at The World of Silly Willy and Fluffy titled The Power of Words. I was in awe at how powerful words really are. Enjoy the smile.

Awww...Mondays #73

I've not done an Awww...Monday for a very long time, so why not. Everyone is invited to enter your link below even if you're not participating in Awww...Monday.

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. Karen 2. Ollie McKay 3. Don E. Chute 4. Con Artist Trickster 5. Burnt Food Dude 6. Mike Golch 7. Barb 8. Sandy B

9. Empress Bee 10. Lois 11. Marg 12. Steve 13. Phil 14. Ann 15. Angel 16. Binky

17. jennifer 18. Art of RetroCollage 19. Jim 20. William K Wallace 21. Gracie 22. Dixie 23. Tony McGurk 24. K

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Saint Peter

At the pearly gates again, a taxi driver and minister are waiting in line. St. Peter consults his list and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

St. Peter next greets the minister saying, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get a cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A Question

Recently I was ask the question below and it gave me pause. Wow what day would I want to relive again and why. At first I thought about a really fun day that I would like to relive again. Then I thought about making a wrong right. Then I thought about a day that perhaps I could change an outcome for the better. I thought long and hard. It finally boiled down to what was most precious to me. I would want to spend any day with my mother again. Just one whole day to enjoy her company. She was near and dear to me and after almost 20 years I still miss her terribly.

So will you answer this question. I would love to know how you feel.

If you could re-live a day of your life again, which day would it be and why?

The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. In a few days I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want. Thanks for playing along and have a great day.

Here's the beginning of our new story: Spring is in the air and Mark's thoughts were turning towards love, but there was a problem ...

I'm a Dog Lover

There are dog lovers. And then, there are dog lovers! Author of "Top Ten Signs You're A Dog Lover" is Sniff Seattle Dog Walkers

10 – Most days you have a “glistening” on your face from dried doggy kisses.

9 – You haven’t seen your own doctor in years. But the vet? Last week!

8 – You make a point to sit scrunched in the corner of the couch so your dog can be comfortable.

7 – You reach into your pocket hoping to find a breath mint. But, no. It’s a doggy treat.

6 – No matter how hot or extremely cold it is, you roll down the car window so your furry friend can hang his head out.

5 – Your best conversations are with your dog.

4 – There are about 32 squeaky toys laying around your house. (Vawooo! Oops, just stepped on one!)

3 – You sleep crowded on the corner of the bed, and would probably go to the floor if you had to so your dog could get a good night’s sleep.

2 – You’re covered with almost as much dog hair as your dog! And you don’t think twice about it.

1 – You’re still wearing sweatpants from your college days. Your dog? Cute new sweater!

Bonus - You find dog hair in your food, but it's okay since you consider dog hair a condiment.

Hat tip: Sisko of Together With Dogs

About Walking

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

“Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.”

Hat tip: Ann from Ebony Boat Club

The Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guys had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

Sex After Death?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy...........Judy"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George are you in Heaven?"

"No... I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Hat tip: Nevada Sharon of The Evil Crew

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are still on the boat, but will be heading home sometime today.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Chocolate or Vanilla?

The Anniversary

George and Carol decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Carol objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Carol, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Carol came out of the bathroom and said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Carol, and said, "See what you get for $25 bucks?"

Hat tip: Sarge Charlie of Sarge Charlie

Cats and Baths

I've had lots of cats over the years and one thing that I never did was try to give them a bath. Here's just a few reasons why bathing a cat just didn't appeal to me. You've got to admit that these will make you chuckle, or at least smile. Have a terrific day and a great weekend ahead. It's off to the boat for us.
Stolen from: AmyOops of Weird Strange & Freaky