Banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Clifton

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to both the ladies and men's restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Hat tip: Gracie of Echoes of Grace

Hawaii Cruise

Well, I've been itching for another cruise ever since we got off the Carnival Glory after the bloggers cruise. I've been talking to Zane about going to Hawaii. Fifteen nights of cruising. So I emailed our personal vacation planner Edward Garcia and within a few minutes he called me to sort out the details. Hubby said okay, so we are heading to San Diego January 19th, 2012 and set sail on January 20th for a cruise to Hawaii on Carnival Spirit. I can't tell you how excited I am.

Date	Port	Arrive	Depart
1/20/2012	San Diego, CA	----	4:00 PM
1/21/2012	Fun Day at Sea	----	----
1/22/2012	Fun Day at Sea	----	----
1/23/2012	Fun Day at Sea	----	----
1/24/2012	Fun Day at Sea	----	----
1/25/2012	Hilo, HI	10:00 AM	7:00 PM
1/26/2012	Maui (Kahului), HI	8:00 AM	11:00 PM
1/27/2012	Honolulu, HI	9:00 AM	11:00 PM
1/28/2012	Kona, HI	8:00 AM	5:00 PM
1/29/2012	Kauai (Nawiliwili), HI	7:00 AM	4:00 PM
1/30/2012	Fun Day at Sea	----	----
1/31/2012	Fun Day at Sea	----	----
2/1/2012	Fun Day at Sea	----	----
2/2/2012	Fun Day at Sea	----	----
2/3/2012	Ensenada, Mexico	8:00 PM	11:00 PM
2/4/2012	San Diego, CA	7:00 AM	----

Want to come along? Call our personal vacation planner Edward Garcia @ 1-800-819-3902 ext. 82614 or email him @ egarcia2@carnivalpvp.com. He'll treat you like royalty.

Sex and Good Grammar

For all my grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

Wordless Wednesday #63

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The Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie.. "You know how I work....You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen,and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Stolen from: Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

The Birthday Gift...

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea, why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!!!”

So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?”

“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling - I’ll see you in two hours!!!”

My New Supermarket

My new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

The Saskatchewan Cow

The only cow in a small town in Alberta stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow from Saskatchewan for $200.

So they bought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the local Veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?"

The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Saskatchewan."

Hat tip: Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

Irish Christening

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot ... Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ... 'I really like Denise.’

Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies 'Denephew.'

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

Where to Retire

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your bottom from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
7. You'll eventually need to pack heat as well as have to suffer from it!
   

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
   

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
   

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
   

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
   

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
   

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
   

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Hat tip: Dr. Vern B.

The Test

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

• First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
• "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
• "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
  

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

Stolen from: Ron Russell of Totus: Conservative Political Commentary

Comment Issue

I've had several people let me know that they couldn't see and/or find my 'post a comment' link. My hubby couldn't see the link either. I've spent a great deal of time redoing the comment section in HTML and when I open my blog on hubbies computer I can see the link. If those of you that couldn't see or find the 'post a comment' link would please check to see if it is there now. I would appreciate it very much. I just love this layout and am hoping that I corrected this issue.

Blogger's Cruise - Part X

We were off the ship first thing in the morning and bid Sarge Charlie and Empress Bee goodbye along with hugs and kisses at the baggage area and were in a cab and back to the hotel before 9:00 in the morning. I'm telling you VIP is the way to get on the ship and the way to get off too. Outstanding.

We checked our luggage into the hotel and went across the street to Bayside Market and enjoyed a large part of the day. We had lunch at Bubba Gumps and really enjoyed their shrimp. It was a beautiful warm day and later in the afternoon we decided to check into our room. We are sitting in our room and this is the view we see...The Carnival Glory in the turnaround basin with a new load of folks going on a seven night Eastern Caribbean cruise. That was us the past Sunday evening. It was bittersweet to watch. This concludes the posts on this fabulous vacation. We are talking about our next cruise and where we want to go. There's a 15 day cruise to Hawaii and perhaps Alaska. We've also looked at the Panama Canal and then fly back from Florida. There's also BC5 and we just may do that one again next year.

If Sarge Charlie and Empress Bee go somewhere early next year (when I'm no longer commodore), we just may cross the country again and join them. Sandy and Dick already have two cruises booked and we sure wish we could go, especially the one in October. That's our bay cruise and as commodore I'll be going to the bay. Barb? I know that Linda won't cruise again anytime soon. I'd cruise with y'all again in a New York second. It was fantastic to say the least.

Blogger's Cruise - Part IX

Today is a sea day as we head back to Miami. Our cruise is coming to an end and I'm not happy about it. We've had a terrific time and have enjoyed the many functions, and all the islands. We've gathered with friends and made many new friends. Today I want to talk about a few of the folks that made our stay very enjoyable.
The first and our very favorite staff member was Wayan, the bartender at the Azure bar. This young man was very competent, dedicated and extremely fun to be around. We found him about the second day and every afternoon we would make our way to spend some time with this delightful young man. He's been married for two years and so far no children. Tough to have kids when he's working on a cruise ship for seven months at a time. He hails from Bali, Indonesia and told us how children are named in each family. There are only four names, so if you have a 5th child you start over.

• First born: Wayan
• Second born: Made
• Third born: Nyoman
• Fourth born: Ketut

One afternoon we offered to tend bar for him so he could take a break. We told him that we would just serve Budweiser. If any of the kids that came to the bar and wanted a Mr. Pibb we'd give them a Budweiser. Wayan said no, no you can't do that. The joke every time someone wanted a Mr. Pibb was "Budweiser". Second is our stateroom steward who took care of our digs for the entire week. It didn't take him long to figure out our schedule and within no time after leaving our stateroom it was cleaned to perfection. Mouli (from Indonesia) always had this smile and he worked from early morning until it was time to turn down the bed, the Carnival Fun Times events flyer for the following day, the chocolates and of course the towel animal. Our stateroom service was exceptional. Next was Carlos from Peru, who was our beverage server at dinnertime. The very first night hubby and I tried to order a bottle of champagne at dinner and he was quick to let us know that he didn't do that. No bottles, just a drink at a time. We liked him so much that we each had two glasses of champagne every night with dinner. He saved our folio number and when we showed up for dinner he just automatically got us a glass of champagne. After two glasses each he would bring the bill. It was perfect. He also invited us to a party on Saturday evening, but we just had too much on our plate and couldn't go. Free drinks too. The last person is Miguel from Peru who was in charge of our dinner table (among others) each night. Dining room steward or head waiter. In any event he kept us in food, way too much food all week long. Every night there would be some type of entertainment and I enjoyed Miguel very much. The picture of us was taken by Wayan in the Azure bar on Saturday afternoon. Each one of these great staff members received a little something extra in the tip department.

The video below I've played over and over and I remember how I felt. It was the very last night, and our bags were packed. One sleep and we'd wake up in Miami. I didn't want this cruise to end.

A great big thank you to all the staff that worked so hard to make our cruise a success. Tomorrow: Miami and home

John Heald

Carnival Cruise Lines Senior Cruise Director John Heald entertained all us bloggers all week long. There were so many events that I'm sure that I forgot to mention one or two. He and his staff worked very hard to make sure we had a wonderful bloggers cruise. Well, it worked as hubby and I had the time of our lives. It was great to finally meet this funny man. His sense of humor (spelled incorrectly) was a kick and then some.
Tomorrow: Saying goodbye

Sarge Charlie...

Sarge Charlie performed several magic tricks for us during our cruise and this one is my favorite. I just love Sarge Charlie and Empress Bee. They made our cruise such a delightful time. Thank you for all the things you did for us. It was greatly appreciated.
I'm working on hubby for our next cruise. I so want to book another one on this coast and sail away to other destinations. I'm hooked on cruising. What a fun filled 7 nights and 8 days we shared with special friends. It meant so very much to meet everyone. Y'all were the very best part of the cruise.

Blogger's Cruise - Part VIII

We are up, showered and ready for the day in Grand Turk. We've been looking forward to visiting this island for months. I'm on the balcony and hubby has to take a picture. He took lots of shots of me on the balcony. It's warm, it's a beautiful day and this is our last island before we head back to Miami.
Look how blue the water is. It was just gorgeous and lots of folks were enjoying snorkeling later in the afternoon. Right after the huge rainstorm. That didn't stop us from enjoying the island one bit. There were certainly a lot of folks that didn't bring their umbrellas. If there had been some business on the island that sold umbrellas they would have made a small fortune.
After a long, wonderful day we have dinner. Our group photograph. Standing - left to right: Sandy, Dick and Barb. Seated - left to right: Hubby, me, Sarge Charlie and Empress Bee. I can't remember if Linda took the photograph either. In any event tomorrow is our last full day and I'm not looking forward to ending this fabulous cruise.

The next shot is our head waiter and if you'll look closely he's wearing my tiara during their nightly show. What a great sport you were Miguel.

The last shot is my favorite towel animal of the week. Imagine my surprise to return to our stateroom and finding this monkey hanging from the lighting. Fantastic.
Monday: Heading to Miami

Blogger's Cruise - Part VII

San Juan is a gorgeous city filled with color and the hustle and bustle of folks at work. We went into lots of different shops and I finally found a couple of t-shirts that I just had to have. There were several cruise ships in port that day so there were lots of tourists all over the place.
We enjoyed walking around town and taking in the local color and after lunch we headed back to the ship. We had to be back on board by 3 so we didn't have nearly enough time to explore this beautiful island.

We spent some time with Sarge Charlie and Empress Bee before dinner. They had dinner with John Heald this evening while the rest of us went to our usual table in the dining room. Hubby really enjoyed photographing the sky. It was indeed beautiful and trying to capture that beauty didn't work very well. I want to go back and do it all over again.

The third picture is of Linda and Barb at dinner, and the last picture is of Sandy and Dick with Dick being Dick. What a great group of folks.
On our way back to our room we pass the stateroom stewards cart and see this little fellow and just couldn't help taking a shot. When we get to our room we find this cutie pie waiting. Did I mention that I love towel animals? I thought so.
Tomorrow: Grand Turk

Blogger's Cruise - Part VI

Thursday morning finds us near San Juan Puerto Rico. This morning is our Evil Crew get together with John Heald (Carnival Senior Cruise Director). The evil crew creator is Ed Konefe. I've been a member since last July and this group has come up with tons of ideas on what evil to do to John. John hates Barney, so the theme is Barney. Aren't we evil. We had a great time with lots of laughs. Below is John's take on this get together.
The first shot is of Big Ed, Baby Girl (Bobbi) and John Heald. Numerous folks got up and presented him with all kinds of gifts. There was a lot of toilet humor (spelled incorrectly) along with all things Barney. A great time was had by all and John was a very good sport.

The next shot is my buddy Sandy Bell. She had that winning smile the entire cruise.

The next shot is Sarge Charlie and Empress Bee along with the flat cats. They were so well behaved on this cruise.

The last shot is Sarge Charlie, Empress Bee, Princess Nanni and her husband Eugenio Margarida. Princess Nanni is a teacher at Coleogio Marista and lives in Guaynabo, Puerto Rico. She is a very special friend of Carnival Cruise Lines, the Evil Crew and John Heald.
Tomorrow: San Juan (continued)

St. Thomas

It's getting late so we head back to the ship and decide to drop off our purchases and of course I can't help going back out on the balcony. That's when we notice the helicopter on top of this vessel. Now that's pretty awesome if you ask me.

We head to our favorite bar (Azure) and our very favorite bartender Wayan from Bali, Indonesia. We'll talk more about this incredible young man later. He mixes us two Bahama Mamas and we enjoy the view. Pretty soon we see water all over the window and we know it's not raining. This young man was washing all the windows. This really made hubby a bit dizzy as he's very afraid of heights. This guy didn't mind being out there one bit.

Tonight we dress up night for dinner as it's one of two formal nights. Some dress to the nines and most dress like we did. The first shot is Linda, me and Barb waiting for the elevator to take us to dinner. The next shot is Empress Bee (Queen of the ship). Next is me on our balcony after dinner with St. Thomas in the background. And the last picture is our towel animal for the day. I just love towel animals.




After dinner we join Empress Bee for the Justin Illusion show. Empress Bee went to the late comedy show after this show and hubby and I went to bed. She's got way more energy than we do.

Hubby and I both agreed that we could easily live on St. Thomas. Beautiful.