Marvin - The Male Maxine

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning..." He said, "No, just taking a dump."

I was walking down the road and saw my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

Getting married is like getting into a bathtub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

I'm not attracted by a girls mind, but by what she doesn't mind.

Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to me - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

Her job is to Bitch. Mine is to give her a reason!

Hat tip: Duffy L.

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him.

He said, "I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

The priest fainted.

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

It's Been a Rough Year

But not everyone is as lucky as I am...

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at Burger King, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Burger King is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Stolen from Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Famous Quotes

"I'm convinced that today the majority of Americans want what those first Americans wanted: a better life for themselves and their children; a minimum of government authority. Very simply, they want to be left alone in peace and safety to take care of the family by earning an honest dollar and putting away some savings. This may not sound too exciting, but there is something magnificent about it. On the farm, on the street corner, in the factory and in the kitchen, millions of us ask nothing more, but certainly nothing less, than to live our own lives according to our values -- at peace with ourselves, our neighbors and the world." Ronald Reagan, 1976

"The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal." Aristotle

"Efficiency of state governments is impaired as they relinquish and turn over to the federal government responsibilities which are rightly theirs." Calvin Coolidge

“Deficits mean future tax increases, pure and simple. Deficit spending should be viewed as a tax on future generations, and politicians who create deficits should be exposed as tax hikers.” - Ron Paul

"If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Ronald Reagan

The Accident

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.”

“Wow! What did you do?” asked the bartender.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Happy Thanksgiving

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melody Beattie

The Deal

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a 'C' to a 'B' average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

A Holiday Hop

Jackie over at The Painted Veil is doing a blog hop (holiday-hop). I've not done one in some time so why not. What happens in a blog hop is if you enter your link on my site your link will show up on everyone that is participating in this blog hop. So go ahead and enter your link.

The Painted Veil Comedy Plus And Miles To Go. . . Willa LadyJava's Lounge Driller AA Mike Golch @ Golch Central Mike Golch @ Mike's Place myWeb-BlogDotCom Carlota @ DashingSmiles bethere2day Roger Dman ONE WORLD - IYANGGG Moongodddesslei MySimpleandWonderfulLife Another day in paradise. . . . Artists & Crafters Supply Russ aka Grampy Phils Phun comatised Pardoned TG Turkeys Ann Traveling Bells WomanHonorThyself Jim Fly and Be Free Mom's Place Writings of an Introvert Infertility and Beyond A Simple Life Angliss-International Art by Tomas Blazing Minds Frelia's Blog Princess Wannabe Shy's Mixed Thoughts

Peace Love Happiness LaBelladiva My Florida Paradise Babyboomer Flashback Gina's Music Memories Gina's Italian Kitchen Humor and Laughs Working Moms Corner Karen Rudraksha Beads. A Black Christmas The Weight Loss Plan Of Cats and Dogs It Occurred To Me Ladies with feet Tomas' sketchbook Laane on the World Getting Fit for 50 Anime Hunt Crazy Mom Cross Popping Dropzone Forex Trading Men's Fitness Videos Michelle's Menagerie whats cookin' with molly Digital Rebel Funky Town Speakers Reviews Car Audio Systems Fraggle Rock World Workplace On The Web Anime Video Channel SoftwareApp Goal For The Green Information About Nature This linky list is now closed.

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When I Grow Up

I found this over at Hillybilly Willy's place and just had to repost it here. It just cracked me up.

What will I be when I grow up?

Martha or Maxine

Martha Way#1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Maxine's Way #1: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha’s Way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Maxine's Way #2: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha’s Way #3: When a cake mix calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead, there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Maxine's Way #3: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha’s Way #4: If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”

Maxine's Way #4: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that’s just too bad. Please recite with me the Maxine motto: “I made it and you will eat it.”

Martha’s Way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the fridge and it will keep for weeks.

Maxine's Way #5: Celery? What’s that?

Martha’s Way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust just before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine's Way #6: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don’t do it.

Martha’s Way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Maxine's Way #7: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eyes and then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, because now you are BLIND. A much better use for the lime is with tequila. You certainly won’t have a headache, not until the next day, anyway. If a headache does occur, repeat with the tequila and lime.

Martha’s Way #8: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Maxine's Way #8: Leftover wine???

Truths - Part II

1. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


2. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


3. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.


4. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


5. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.


6. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


7. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.


8. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


9. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?


10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!


11. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


12. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?


13. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.


14. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.


15. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


16. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Truths - Part I

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.


15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?


16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Stress Management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.


2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.


3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.


4. No one knows your secret place.


5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.


6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.


7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
   

There! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

Hat tip: Duffy L.

St. Peter

Three men approached the pearly gates for entrance into heaven:

The first man stepped forward feeling confident all the things he’d done for the world would gain him passage into paradise.

St Peter asked. “Who might you be, and what have you done for humanity, and your country..ah you’re an American?”

The first man answered. “ I am a Democrat and the Democrats and I have done much for mankind; Democrats introduced legislation to feed the homeless, provided aid for the underprivileged through government programs, we tried to be bipartisan and work with our irrational Republican colleagues, tried to revitalize the American dream, protected the handicapped, minorities and…”

St Peter cut in and said. “No, No I’m sorry not doing it for me, next..” An elevator appeared and two dark hooded figures escorted the Democrat away.

The two remaining figures looked at each other, one stepped forward even more confident than the first.

St Peter asked, “Who might you be and what have you done for mankind, and America?”

“St. Peter sir, unlike my colleague before me, you will find I am worthy of paradise. I am a Republican, and have done much for humanity. I hate those spineless weasels…” ”

St Peter added. “Never liked them myself, but that’s not going to help you..”

“Anyhow..My party and I have attempted to rid America of the sin of abortion, and homos, we have sought to bring religion into schools and every other aspect of life, and we have fought to bring morality and responsibility to all Americans, and..”

“Sorry..see ya..” St Peter said. He snapped his finger and The Republican was escorted down into the abyss by the same two dark hooded figures.

The next man stepped forward slowly, looking dejected and disappointed.

“Who are you and what have you done for humanity and your country?” St Peter asked.

“I wish to say I have done nothing like these two gentleman…I suspect I deserve what is coming to me. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, I’d lost my job, my home and family. Luckily I’d gotten a job driving a taxi, just as things were about to get worse. I shouldn’t have been drinking on the job, but I did and while taking my fare to their destination got into an accident, ran into a manure truck, we all sufficated in shit. I truly am sorry… for it was those two exemplary gentlemen before me that were killed along with me.”

The pearly gates opened, and St Peter said. “Truly the Lord works in mysterious ways.”

Stolen from: The De-Evolution of Man

A Forester and a Lawyer

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity.

They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

Do You Remember

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Joys of Womanhood

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.

And the NUMBER ONE reason...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."

Road Rage

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed,and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."

Hat tip: Gracie of Echos of Gracie

Happy Veterans Day

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Y'all know who ya are!

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

God Bless the USA!

IF YOU DON'T STAND BEHIND OUR TROOPS FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM.

IN GOD WE TRUST!

Hat tip: Tammy D.

A Sure Cure

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

I was Born...

In 1951. The world was a different place. A friend sent me the link at the very bottom of this post, so if you want to know some of the things that happened the year you were born then give it a go. Thanks Dr. Vern B.

There was no Google yet. Or Yahoo.

In 1951, the year of your birth, the top selling movie was Quo Vadis. People buying the popcorn in the cinema lobby had glazing eyes when looking at the poster.

Remember, that was before there were DVDs. Heck, even before there was VHS. People were indeed watching movies in the cinema, and not downloading them online. Imagine the packed seats, the laughter, the excitement, the novelty. And mostly all of that without 3D computer effects.

Do you know who won the Oscars that year? The academy award for the best movie went to An American in Paris. The Oscar for best foreign movie that year went to Rashomon. The top actor was Humphrey Bogart for his role as Charlie Allnut in The African Queen. The top actress was Vivien Leigh for her role as Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire. The best director? George Stevens for A Place in the Sun.

In the year 1951, the time when you arrived on this planet, books were still popularly read on paper, not on digital devices. Trees were felled to get the word out. The number one US bestseller of the time was From Here to Eternity by James Jones. Oh, that's many years ago. Have you read that book? Have you heard of it?

In 1951...

• The new United Nations headquarters officially opens in New York City.
• Nuclear testing at the Nevada Test Site begins with a 1-kiloton bomb dropped on Frenchman Flat, northwest of Las Vegas, Nevada.
• Hank Ketcham's best-selling comic strip Dennis the Menace, appeared in U.S. newspapers for the first time.
• The trial of Ethel and Julius Rosenberg begins.
• The United Kingdom begins an economic boycott of Iran.
• I Love Lucy made its television debut on CBS.
• Judy Garland begins her legendary concerts in New York's Palace Theatre.
• The National Ballet of Canada performs for the first time in Eaton Auditorium.
• John Huston's drama film, The African Queen, starring Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn, premieres in Hollywood.
• The Marshall Plan expires after distributing more than $13.3 billion USD in foreign aid to rebuild Europe.

That was the world you were born into. Since then, you and others have changed it.

The Nobel prize for Literature that year went to Pär Lagerkvist. The Nobel Peace prize went to Léon Jouhaux. The Nobel prize for physics went to John Douglas Cockcroft and Ernest Thomas Sinton Walton from the United Kingdom and Ireland for their pioneer work on the transmutation of atomic nuclei by artificially accelerated atomic particles. The sensation this created was big. But it didn't stop the planets from spinning, on and on, year by year. Years in which you would grow bigger, older, smarter, and, if you were lucky, sometimes wiser. Years in which you also lost some things. Possessions got misplaced. Memories faded. Friends parted ways. The best friends, you tried to hold on. This is what counts in life, isn't it?

The 1950s were indeed a special decade. The American economy is on the upswing. The cold war between the US and the Soviet Union is playing out throughout the whole decade. Anti-communism prevails in the United States and leads to the Red Scare and accompanying Congressional hearings. Africa begins to become decolonized. The Korean war takes place. The Vietnam War starts. The Suez Crisis war is fought on Egyptian territory. Fidel Castro, Che Guevara and others overthrow authorities to create a communist government on Cuba. Funded by the US, reconstructions in Japan continue. In Japan, film maker Akira Kurosawa creates the movies Rashomon and Seven Samurai. The FIFA World Cups are won by Uruguay, then West Germany, then Brazil.

Do you remember the movie that was all the rage when you were 15? Madame X. Do you still remember the songs playing on the radio when you were 15? Maybe it was Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones. Were you in love? Who were you in love with, do you remember?

In 1951, 15 years earlier, a long time ago, the year when you were born, the song The Tennessee Waltz by Patti Page topped the US charts. Do you know the lyrics? Do you know the tune? Sing along.

I was dancin' with my darlin'
To the Tennessee Waltz
When an old friend I happened to see
I introduced her to my loved one
And while they were dancin'
My friend stole my sweetheart from me
...

There's a kid outside, shouting, playing. It doesn't care about time. It doesn't know about time. It shouts and it plays and thinks time is forever. You were once that kid.

When you were 9, the movie The Absent Minded Professor was playing. When you were 8, there was The Shaggy Dog.

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... it's 1951. There's TV noise coming from the second floor. Someone turned up the volume way too high. The sun is burning from above. These were different times. The show playing on TV is The Roy Rogers Show. The sun goes down. Someone switches channels. There's Truth or Consequences on now. That's the world you were born in.

Progress, year after year. Do you wonder where the world is heading towards? The technology available today would have blown your mind in 1951. Do you know what was invented in the year you were born?

• The Combined Oral Contraceptive Pill.
• Liquid Paper.
  
• The Nuclear Power Reactor.

He was born on a summer day, 1951
And with a slap of a hand, he had landed as an only son
His mother and father said what a lovely boy
We'll teach him what we learned, ah yes just what we learned
...

That's from the song Lonely Boy by Andrew Gold.

In 1951, a new character entered the world of comic books: Schroeder from the Peanuts. Bang! Boom! But that's just fiction, right? In the real world, in 1951, Gordon Brown was born. And Jane Seymour. Charles De Lint, too. And you, of course. Everyone an individual. Everyone special. Everyone taking a different path through life.

It's 2010.
The world is a different place.
What path have you taken?

Click here: What happened in your birth year?

Murphy

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Norwegian the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

Golf!

A man is watching a game of golf on TV.

But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!!!"

Sunday School

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

JoeOnTheMove

You can make a difference to some lonely G.I. overseas. Please help. It won’t cost you anything but a few minutes of your time. Go to:

Free Phone Calls & Internet for Deployed Troops are causes led by JoeOnTheMove to provide comfort and increase moral of U.S. troops deployed overseas. This helps to ease the worry & fear of families & loved ones here in the United States. Currently there are over 200,000 U.S. Service-Members deployed & fighting in countries around the world. Suicide & divorce within military families are at an all time high. These communications services provide a much needed link between soldiers and their families, putting a soldier’s mind at ease knowing that family is taken care of as well as allowing family members to rest assured that their soldiers are both alive and well. JoeOnTheMove is not political in any way. Our intent is to support the soldiers, regardless of whether one supports the wars or not. In 2009 we delivered more than 1 Million Free Minutes to troops around the world, this year we hope to double that and increase our Internet reach in combat zones.

I’m Sandee of Comedy Plus and I approve of this message.

The First

One ardent couple paused their passion long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said, "and the best, too-- I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Life Explained - Part II

This explains so very much. Life Explained by Scientific Graphs!








Hat tip: Tammy D.

Happy Birthday

Two very nice folks are having a birthday today. First there is my great buddy Empress Bee from Muffin53. She doesn't like a fuss, but she loves comments. She also loves cake and big cruise ships.

Second is Renny from RennyBA's Terella. Renny hails from Norway and travels a great deal. He also shares some of the yummiest food out there. He is very proud of his Norway and you can sense that in his posts.

So please go over to their sites and wish these two great people a very Happy Birthday.

♪♪Happy Birthday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday Dear Empress Bee (of the High Sea),♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you.♪♪

♪♪Happy Birthday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday Dear Renny,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you.♪♪

Life Explained - Part I

This explains so very much. Life Explained by Scientific Graphs!









Hat tip: Tammy D.

Modern Day Sayings

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun