Annual Bay Cruise

Today begins our annual bay cruise. We venture to Pittsburg Municipal Marina today for the first leg of our trip. Come along and enjoy the sights and sounds of boating on the California Delta.

Typing Paper

A salute to an idiot.

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

Locked Out

A salute to an idiot!

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

ATM

A salute to an idiot!

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

Wal*Mart

A salute to an idiot!

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

Six, Nine or Twelve

A salute to an idiot!

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have a half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

Fifteen, Fifteen and Fifteen

I was tagged by Clueless of Clinically Clueless to post fifteen albums that have stuck with me. I thought this would be a fun exercise so here goes.  I'm only going to do albums from the 70s.

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen albums you've heard that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me because I'm interested in seeing what albums my friends choose. To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, click "Write a note", paste title and rules in....in no particular order.

1. The Beatles

Album: Revolver

2. Pink Floyd

Album: Wish You Were Here

3. The Who

Album: Who's Next

 4. Rolling Stones

Album: Sticky Fingers

5. Led Zeppelin

Album: Led Zeppelin IV

6. Eagles

Album: Their Greatest Hits

7. Grateful Dead

Album: Anthem Of The Sun

8. Jefferson Airplane

Album: After Bathing At Baxter's  

9. The Doors

Album: The Doors  

10. Moody Blues

Album: Days Of Future Passed

11. Fleetwood Mac

Album: Rumours  

12. AC/DC

Album: Back In Black

13. Boston

Album: Boston

14. Cream

Album: Wheels Of Fire  

15. Aerosmith

Album: Toys In The Attic

I'm supposed to tag fifteen to do this meme, but I'm not going to do that. If you want to play along then please do so. It was indeed fun to go back to the 70s for a few minutes.

HEMA

HEMA is a Dutch department store.
The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam.
Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands .
Take a look at HEMA's product page -
just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.
DON'T click on any of the items in the picture, just wait.
This company has a sense of humor and
a great computer programmer,
who has too much time on his hands.
HEMA

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

The Wasp

A woman was leaning how to play golf. She decided she was going to take lessons. On the first day of learning with the pro, she complained angrily that she had been stung by a wasp.

The golf pro asked her where she got stung and she replied, "Somewhere between the first and second hole."

The golf pro just stared blankly at the woman and she became a little irritated.

Finally she asked, "Haven't you got something to say about it?"

He replied, "Well, I'd say that your stance is too wide."

Hat tip: Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

Childbirth @ 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'When he cries!' she told me.

'When he cries?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he cries?'

'Because I forgot where I put him, okay?!!'

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

A Senior Moment

The very first "senior moment".
And that's what happened to the dinosaurs!

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ..... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe.. go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees ................

Ees ..............

Ees ................

Ees ................

Ees a ham bush....."

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

I Love the Welsh

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales . They came to a village which had the longest place name in the Northern Hemisphere.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?' ...

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr ....... gurrr ........ king'

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

A Professional Love Letter

My Dearest,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Happy Birthday Duffy

Duffy and Georgia are our boat neighbors and very good friends. Duffy's birthday is today and since we'll be out at the island working this Saturday I just wanted to wish Duffy a very happy birthday. Big hug and lotsa lovies.

♫♫Happy Birthday to you,♫♫
♫♫Happy Birthday to you,♫♫
♫♫Happy Birthday Dear Duffy,♫♫
♫♫Happy Birthday to you.♫♫

Duffy & Georgia

Words to Live By

* Just accept that, some days, you're the pigeon: and, some days, you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be "recalled" by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

The First Thing

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people... Her parents proudly beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. Tell you what - you can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." How about doing something wonderful like that?

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Hello

Just thought I'd look in on you to see if you're alright!

Yep, you are, AND YOU LOOK BUSY.

Have a nice day.

PS: Your looking good today!

Gynecologist's Assistant

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, W. Va., and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up a file ad says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That's about 250 miles from here."

"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.

"No, sir: that's where the end of the line is right now."

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending upon cup and speaker size.

The developers are hailing this as a major social breakthrough, because woman are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Will You Marry Me?

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl: "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "No!"

So the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Never Forget

I will never forget who did this.
God Bless America.

Second Chance

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Hat tip: Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

Hey Cuteness

From one gorgeous gal to another...

Send this to someone gorgeous, but don't send it back to me.

I've been getting this message all freakin' day!

Hat tip: Gorgeous Nancy G.

The Handsome Stranger

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, “It’s too big! – it will never fit!”

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn’t be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again… Don't ya just love shopping for shoes?

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Jonah

A pastor was doing his children's sermon with all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson. He was discussing the story of Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord, his God, from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord of my distress and He answered me.'...and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land" (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10).

When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He asked thoughtfully, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?"

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire congregation to hear, "It proves that even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher!"

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Happy Labor Day

I hope your Labor Day weekend has been this exciting. Happy Labor Day everyone.

$1,000 an Inch

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had five inches before and get nine inches now she might be a bit put out. If you had nine inches before and you decide to only invest in five inches now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.

"So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

Hat tip: Georgia L.

Spelling Test

Warning - Political Opinion!
The last four letters in American ...
I Can

The last four letters in Republican ...
I Can

The last four letters in Democrats ...
Rats

End of lesson.

Test to follow in November.

Remember, November is to be set aside as Rodent Extermination Month.
Hat Tip: Dr. Vern B.

Life Explained

Click on graphic to biggify. Now ain't that the truth?

Hat tip: Duffy L.