My Best Friend

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey.

One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Answered Prayer

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “And every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “Thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

One man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Tom Smith.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum.'”

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

The Missing Hinge

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

Stolen from Phil of Phils Phun

Sex @ 82

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 77... so it's not far to walk home afterward!

Hat tip: Jeni of Down River Drivel

The Beggar

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7.50.

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $5.

“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. “First you give me $10 every day, then $7.50 and now only $5. What’s the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”

“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Who Is She?

I'm not sure who this woman is,

But apparently she knows you.

Hat tip: ♥Hubby♥

Commodore's Picnic

On September 11, 2010 I throw the last party of my Vice Commodore year. The Commodore's Picnic, that honors all the past commodore's and of course the current commodore. Hubby and I spent yesterday afternoon getting tons of supplies. Everything from BBQ briquettes and lighter fluid to beer, soda, water and a very large cart full of other items that are needed. Everything that is needed for this picnic we are responsible for having on hand. We have three really good BBQ'ers that will be doing Tri-Tip and Chicken. All the trimmings of course.

On the upcoming three day weekend we'll take all the non-perishables over and load them on the boat. Then the following Thursday we'll take all the meat and other perishable items and head over to Delta Marina Yacht Harbor for the weekend. On Saturday 9/11 at 11:00 the party starts and lasts until everyone leaves.

After a great meal we have a White Elephant Auction that is tons of fun. Everyone brings anything imaginable to auction off. All the proceeds go into the general fund and during the holidays that money is used to lessen the cost of our holiday meal and the Change of Watch parties. People pay ridiculous amounts for silly stuff and that's what makes it fun.

When the function is over and I'm back on my boat after all the cleanup is done I'm going to do a big sigh of relief. I'll then hand over the reins for the next few functions to the rear commodore. I did five functions last year and six this year. No more Parties R Us. I'm very happy about that and I know hubby is too. He's always right there helping me every step of the way. I'm a very lucky gal.

Three Little Pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, “…and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, “I think the man would have said, 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'”

The teacher had to leave the room.

Hat tip: Willy of Hillbilly Willy

Mondays Smile

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine

The Fishing Trip

A man called home to his wife and said, 'Darling, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.' 'And please pack my new blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?'

The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your fishing box.

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

Four Married Guys

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word, they asked him, “You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?”

Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, I gave the wife a slap on her butt and said, 'Fishing or Sex?'

And she said, 'Wear sun-block.'

Hat tip: Nick M.

Warning...

Read the whole sign. Fort Steele is near Cranbrook, British Columbia. I'm not thinking I want to visit Cranbrook. Click on photograph to biggify.

Hat tip: ♥Hubby♥

Look For Love

Hubby and I really liked this one. Since we don't have television it's new to us. I'm sure everyone else has seen this long ago. This is just my twisted sense of humor times two.

Ian

Ian was sick and tired of everyone telling him what to do. He decided to take matters into his own hands and the next time anyone tells him what to do he will become a beach bum and move to Roatán. However, before Ian could move he had to quit his job, sell his condo, toss out all his suits and learn how to do metric conversions.

Ian decided to call his friend William to help him with packing his rather large collection of Garden Gnome themed shaving mugs. How could he travel without them?

But first, he had to tell William about his secret obsessions that compelled him to bring the mugs along, the desires he had for them and the secrets that taunted him every night.

Ian told William that the mugs came alive at night when you rubbed their heads then he becomes a Calvin Klein underwear model. William got very excited about this because he knew Calvin could bake a wonderful cake and that was HIS secret obsession! He wanted to shout it from the rooftops! But then one of the mugs broke. What to do, what to do?

He knew he had to tell his sister, Nimyx, right away; she had warned him that something like this could happen.

“Sister!” he yelled frantically. “I have terrible news! One of my beloved gnome shaving mugs has broken!”

“Oh no!” she cried, her purple eyes wide with horror. “You must bring the pieces to me, right away! Right away, or terrible things will happen!”

Shocked, he quickly swept all the pieces into a carpet bag. But suddenly, there was a horrible screeching noise and a sickly green light, and out of the carpet bag came an excessively large, and rather ugly, green glowing frog. He explained to Ian how his spirit had been trapped inside the gnome shaving mug for well over a hundred years.

Thanking Ian for releasing him, with an evil twinkling glow in his eyes he said, a Great reward will be yours, if you will return me to my home. The journey is long and dangerous, but the spoils will be unmatched. Shall we begin the new adventure?

"Why, yes," he said, "But I have to go get something very special before we leave." "I have to have my beloved gnome shaving mugs, I never go anywhere without them."

The ugly frog looked at him and said, "Go get them silly... Just make sure you don't break another one. Who knows if, this time, it's the witch who put a spell on me..."

But even before the big, ugly frog could finish his warning, he heard a crashing sound. He went pale and felt sick. There before him stood a familiar figure. It was Ian's sister and she had broken all of the gnome shaving mugs. To the ugly frogs horror there were now many other ugly, green glowing frogs that had been released from the broken gnome shaving mugs.

Ian's sister Nimyx was dancing around the room and laughing very loudly. She had known all along what the gnome shaving mugs possessed. Green glowing frogs that she could control and it appeared that this was true as all the frogs gathered around her waiting to do her bidding. But what did Nimyx plan to do? Well Nimyx didn't know what to do since she's as crazy as a bed bug. All we know for sure is she didn't want to touch those creepy frogs. You could get warts you know.

Ian was heartbroken as his collection of gnome shaving mugs were broken, except for one, and now he had a houseful of frogs. Oh well, I guess the only thing to do is rub the head of the last surviving gnome shaving mug, turn into Calvin and make a very large cake for all the authors of this strange, twisted tale of gnome shaving mugs and frogs.

Contributing authors (In order of appearance):

Steve of Bethere2day
Barb of WillThink4Wine
Sam of How Sam Sees It
Greg of The De-Evolution of Man
Bridget of And Miles To Go Before We Sleep...

Marg of Margs Pets
Empress Bee (of the High Sea) of muffin53
Joann of Joann's Best
Sandy of Traveling Bells
Jo of Summoned to Darkness

Ann of Ann's Snap Edit & Scrap
DrillerAA09 of Driller's Place
Lois of Lowdown from Lois
The Man of The Man
Bing (Pink Lady) of Of Living and Loving...and Coping

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to Ian (Story Game). You are all awesome!

LOFT

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time, what is 'loft?'

"The pro says, "Lack Of F#%king Talent."

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. In a few days I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want. Thanks for playing along and have a great day.

Here's the beginning of our new story: Ian was sick and tired of everyone telling him what to do. He decided to take matters into his own hands by...

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are at the boat for the weekend (what else is new). Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: BBQ Steak or BBQ Chicken?

Only in California!

A guy was driving toward Los Angeles from San Diego when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart-ass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

(This is not news in Southern California!)

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that...
Never mind.
Hat tip: Nancy G.

Happy Barkday

Today is Sugar's Barkday over at Sugar the Golden Retriever. I've been visiting Sugar for quite some time and I just ♥ her to pieces. She's been on television, she won Top Dog in June and she loves Cheesy Bone Treats. I know she loves them because her mom makes them for her. You can click on each photograph to biggify and also read the post about each event.


♪♪Happy Barkday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Barkday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Barkday Dear Sugar,♪♪
♪♪Happy Barkday to you.♪♪
Here's what we got Sugar for her Happy Barkday.

• Pooch Party Cake
• Freeze Dried Ice Cream
• Bisket Baskets And More Boxed Tummy Treats
• Lazy Dog Cookies
• 2 Hand Iced Gourmet Biscuits
• 4" Happy Birthday Balloon

Have the very best Barkday ever Sugar.

What Adults Know

• Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.


• Wrinkles don't hurt.


• Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts.


• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.


• Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.


• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

What Kids Know

• No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..


• When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.


• If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.


• Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.


• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.


• Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.


• Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.


• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


• Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


• The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
  

Ox Bow Cruise Out

Today we back out of the slip and head to Ox Bow Yacht Club for the weekend. Friday night we are having a big Tri-Tip potluck BBQ with all the trimmings and on Saturday morning we are doing a potluck breakfast. We do the very best potlucks around. Do you see a pattern here? Food and more food? Right you are.

On Saturday night we are having 'Hot August Nights' with the Ox Bow Yacht Club that features 50s and 60s music along with a drive-in theme. There will be hot dogs, cheeseburgers, and french fries with all the trimmings. There will even be root beer floats or milkshakes. Then you can go out and see the car show from the same era. Should be tons of fun. We can dance the night away to 50s and 60s music. I wonder how many will dress the part? I wonder how many can remember the dances from the 50s and 60s.

After this cruise I have one more to plan and execute and I'll be done with the majority of my vice commodore work. That means I plan no more cruises, or send out invites, or all the other things that go along with putting a party together. I've enjoyed every minute, but it's almost time to move to the next chair. Commodore. Sweet!

United We Stand

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she slept over at a friends house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house.

The woman called her husbands 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Commandments

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.


2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.


3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.


4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.


5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.


6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.


7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.


8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.


9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.


10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

Dumb and Dumber

God speaking to St. Francis:

Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plants that crop up in the lawn.

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You had better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call 'mulch'. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

God: Enough! I don't want to think about this any more. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a real stupid movie.

God: Never mind, I think I just heard that story from St. Francis.

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

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