Post Turtle

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Rudd is a 'post turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put him up there to begin with.

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Perfect Shopping Day

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

Hat tip: Jeni of Down River Drivel

Robin Hood

He was a modern day Robin Hood, take from the rich and give to the poor, but what he took was really all for him. His next plan was to trick billionaire philanthropist Roger Caldwell into donating $500,000 to a fictional charity named Airstreams for Americans. The best way to make your money is to take it from others. At that point he realized that his father and his uncle were agents for Madoff looking for thieves and also a quick Internet score that involved an inheritance, Nigerian warlords, an alien GBU, a love tryst between a service bot and the president's teleprompter, and a tip from Donald Trump. This alerted the FBI.

Suddenly, a roving band of Haitian youths mooned the mariachis and yelled that Dunkin' Doughnuts really wasn't a doughnut but that it was just a subterfuge for the real plan. Would they be able to get to a safe place before it all started? A Haitian old wise man feared the looters were roaming in the rubble, however he noticed over there in the bushes was a book buried in the rubble.

At closer inspection, he realized that the book was very old and probably rare. Dusting it off, the words "Earth II After Meggado" and "Nostradamus" was beautifully carved out in gold leaf on the cover. He new he found a real treasure. A lost book written by Nostradamus himself. He could not resist opening the book and the first section was called "First of Second Days". He immediately opened to the first section and started reading the first quatrain. It said:
  • Numbers few and the Beast has fled,
  • From babes mouths has the breast bled,
  • Peoples huddle for dry is the well,
  • Until the Don is Trumped by the Rose of O Donnell.
Laughing out loud for he thought he knew the meaning of the quatrain, he was our Robin Hood of Today. He wasn't a bad guy at all but rather a secret agent for the new and rebuilt U.S.A. Of the newly formed task force for helping distribute the wealth when those who could afford to help remained stubborn and stingy.

So our Robin Hood carefully said, I'll visit the Vikings at OsloBG in August 2010, because he realized that the end of days were upon us and the zombies would soon take over the earth. He knew the meaning of the quatrain was worth gold to whomever wanted the Hollydale chicken of knowledge. To have the chicken meant golden eggs to share with the have not-eths. The small town was booming until "that dude" showed up with the coop de grass chicken locator.

And with the chicken locator he found every egg in town and then went to the next town and got their eggs and he keep going until he ran into the GIANT Pink Bunny Rabbit who held onto a very large basket. They both sat down underneath the old oak tree that had yellow ribbons all over it. Seeing how they were both hungry they took a few of the golden eggs and cracked them open and sure enough they were not made of pure gold but just painted as such.

So after eating a delicious omelet, they both came up with an idea to paint the eggs many different colors and decided to name a holiday after it, and while they couldn't agree upon a name for the holiday they called the bunnies closet friend, Bugs Froggy and asked him to listen to the State of the Union Address and he said not by the Hair of my chinny chin chin but I would trade Michelle Obama's dress for it to see to the spring extricated from Pelosi's bum so that she could sit for 30 seconds at a time but it seems impossible.

Biden had to join in the 'Applaud every 30 seconds' movement but he always kept his eye on President Obama who is the Robin Hood this story started about for you see he says he is taking from the Rich to give to the Poor but it is obvious he should talk to some of the Congressman about their strange looking hair pieces for many of them looked like the infamous "rat tail" and the burnt "Spaghetti".

You know the original Robin Hood would have made a great politician, just as this story ended on a political note. I'm not going to change it one bit, because we the people have spoken.

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

Jrodius of Going Guerilla
Lois of Lowdown from Lois
Karen of Blazing Minds
Buggys of Cute As A Buggy
Bob of Just Kicken It Around

Marg of Margs Pets
Skunkfeathers of Skunkfeathers
Rajagopalan of Just Out
Don of Beyond Left Field
Doctor Faustroll of Uncommon Sense

Jack K. of One Man's View from Lansing, KS
Ana of Hella Heaven
Sandy B of Traveling Bells
FoxxFyrre of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r
Jim of Jim's Little Blog

TorAa of TorAa Mirror
Jen of Redhead Ranting
Speedcat of Speedcat Hollydale Page
Glenn of Man Over Board
Willy of Hillbilly Willy

Mommanator of Grannies Ramblings
Jennifer of Dust Bunny Hostage
Arv of On The Wall...
Mr. Stupid of Stupidation

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to Robin Hood (Story Game). You are all awesome!

Senior Citizen Recall


Hubby got this from one of his pals and decided to make a slide show. This really cracked him up. Could be our ages, or could be we don't have to worry about this kind of thing anymore. Well, some of this we worry about.

The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. In a few days I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want. Thanks for playing along and have a great Sunday.

Here's the beginning of our new story: He was a modern day Robin Hood, take from the rich and give to the poor, but what he took was really all for him. His next plan was to...

Awww...Mondays #49

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are off to the boat for the weekend (what else is new). Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Trees or Bushes?

Boat and Ribs

Even though we are retired, the weekends are something we always look forward to, especially in the warm weather months. Friday signals the day we load the truck and head for Willow Berm Marina for a weekend of boating. Well, we are heading to the boat today, but the weather isn't all that great. It's supposed to rain and then one day of cloudy weather on Saturday, then rain again on Sunday. It doesn't stop us from enjoying our boat. We just won't be taking her out of the slip.

We are getting together with our boat neighbors that have had one issue after another befall them of late. Three things in a relative short period of time. They are looking at moving their boat to a boat yard for some pretty extensive work on Saturday. Then last weekend they came home to find that their refrigerator died and they lost all their food. The following day the 'check engine' light came on my buddies car and that's another big bill. So we are fixing dinner for them tonight and lend them our support. Hopefully this streak of bad luck is over.

What's for dinner you ask? Baby Back Ribs (BBQd low and slow), asparagus, garlic mashed potatoes and salad. Don't know if hubby is making dessert or not, but the ribs are to die for. My buddies favorite meal on the boat too and she gets them pretty often. Hubby sees to that. So what wonderful things are you doing this weekend?

Happy Birthday Mike

Mike of Rambling Stuff aka: Golch Central is having a birthday today. So grab some cake and make sure you swing by and wish him a happy birthday. I bet he'd really like that.
♪♪Happy Birthday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday Dear Mike,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you.♪♪

Thursday Thoughts

This past couple of weeks seems to have been filled with computer issues. Everything is running wonderfully again and it's good to have my beloved computer up and running properly. I think we all take them for granted until something goes wrong. I know I do.

We've had some very large storms here with lots of wind, heavy rain and thunder and lightening. Our dog has spent a great deal of time hiding under my computer desk. Bless her heart. Scared to pieces. We do need the rain as the part of central California I reside in is a desert. We go for months on end during the spring/summer and fall with little to no rain.

A couple of my blogging buddies are getting ready for another cruise and I'm sneaking on board to spy on them all week. Don't tell them because I don't want them to know. I'm going to take pictures so all of us will know what they are up to. I think she is going to call "queen" of the ship. Evidently if you do it first then you are the queen during the entire cruise. She even has a tiara.

I'll be around later today to see what everyone else is up to. Okay, I really want to know what's on your menu for the day. So why is there a picture of pizza in this post? Because that's what Hank and Lois had for dinner last night. I visit her everyday to see what's for dinner, or is that supper. Have a terrific day everyone.

Computer Update

Well yesterday was a learning curve for sure. I've been going along for years thinking I was protecting my computer by having a good virus program (Norton 360). Well, I don't have Norton 360 anymore. Let's do a recap of the last week plus. As many of you know I had a very severe virus called TrojanDownloader. We took it to our computer guru and he figured he would have to remove Vista and then reload Vista.

Well, he got to working on this computer and found a litany of problems. It booted up really slow for one and the reason for that? Norton 360. So he removed Norton and it booted in half the time. He then loaded AVG free Version 9.0 virus protection program. Here's where I learned something new. Don't ever just type in AVG Free Version 9.0 into your search engine. Always, I repeat always type in www.download.com. This will take you to cnet, now type in what you want to download. In any event Moses swears by AVG and if you purchase a computer from him that program will be one of two he installs for virus/malware protection.

Next he removed the TrojanDownloader. Then he loaded Lavasoft Ad-Aware to check for malware. He left two different lists of malware this computer had. I didn't count how many let's just say there were two full pages of different malware on this computer. This knowledge didn't make me all that happy since we have been paying Norton quite a bit of money for virus protection. According to Moses, Norton never even addressed any of this malware. We have three computers that no longer have Norton 360. We've made the change across the board.

Can I still get that horrible TrojanDownloader again. Yes, any of us can. Okay Empress Bee...not Mac users. What I've learned today is my computer guru is my best friend. If you use IE then know this. He says it has more holes in that program than Swiss cheese. That's a lot of holes. He recommends using FireFox. Lastly businesses like Norton and McAfee keeps him working on computers. Virtually all the computers brought to his business are either using Norton or McAfee virus programs. These two places are making him lots of money. Bye-bye Norton.

Quiz Answers

Which is larger?

1. The continental U.S. or Australia?
2. Austria or Maine?
3. Burkina Faso or Colorado?
4. Cameroon or California?
5. Germany or Montana?
6. Greece or Alabama?
7. Iran or Alaska?
8. Ireland or West Virginia?
9. Japan or California?
10. Niger or Texas?
11. The Pacific Ocean, or the entire land area of the world?
12. Pakistan or California?
13. Turkey or Texas?
14. The United Kingdom or Oregon?
15. Zimbabwe or Montana?

Answers:

1. The Continental U.S.
2. Maine
3. Burkina Faso (It's a country in Western Africa.)
4. Cameroon
5. Montana
6. Alabama
7. Iran
8. Ireland
9. California
10. Niger (It's almost twice the size of Texas.)
11. The Pacific Ocean
12. Pakistan (It's almost twice the size of California.)
13. Turkey
14. Oregon
15. Zimbabwe

Saturday's Quiz

Which is larger?

1. The continental U.S. or Australia?
2. Austria or Maine?
3. Burkina Faso or Colorado?
4. Cameroon or California?
5. Germany or Montana?
6. Greece or Alabama?
7. Iran or Alaska?
8. Ireland or West Virginia?
9. Japan or California?
10. Niger or Texas?
11. The Pacific Ocean, or the entire land area of the world?
12. Pakistan or California?
13. Turkey or Texas?
14. The United Kingdom or Oregon?
15. Zimbabwe or Montana?

Answers tomorrow...

Off to the Boat

Well, this weekend is our first official club function of 2010. We are leaving today to have dinner with our boating neighbors and of course a few cocktails too. Then Saturday evening we have a yacht club dinner meeting at one of my favorite restaurants. You know what's really great about this event? I didn't do any of the work. Our new rear commodore did all the work. Don't worry, come April I'll be back doing functions again through September and that will end my planning and executing functions.

Sunday we have our first board meeting and that includes lunch at another favorite restaurant. Our new commodore will lay out what he plans for this year and set the tone as well. It's always interesting to see what the new commodore has planned. I'm sure we will have a fun year. I'm going to pay close attention because one year from now I'll be the commodore. I'm looking forward to that as I've looked forward to each position I've held. Each year prepares you for the next year. Our current commodore told me some time back that about the time you figure out what to do in your current position it's time to advance to the next chair. Sounds right to me.

I wish everyone a terrific Friday and weekend. See you Sunday.

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. I'm home, but helping hubby with a big project so I'll be away from the computer most of the day. Now play nice okay, and have a terrific day.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two or more words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two or more new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Rare, medium or well done steak.

A Very Nasty Virus

Hubby and I just returned from our favorite computer builder and repairman (Moses Rogers, CST Computers) after dropping off my Vista Computer with a virus that we had not been able to resolve with the usual methods.

It comes up with a false “Microsoft” alert saying that you have a Trojan or virus and need to purchase a $39, $49 or $69 solution and directs you to a web site called Internet Security 2010. The patch is an IDS (Intrusion Detection Software). The effort is to get you to purchase the software and then they have your credit card number.

We had attempted to deal with this with our Norton Security “360”, Windows Defender and a specific “Microsoft” resolution for infected computers. All these did was to contain the problem, but as soon as the computer was started again we were right back to ground zero.

Moses says that this problem has been out for about a year and a half and is from the Ukraine, Russian Mafia in partnership with Indian engineers. There is currently no permanent solution. Microsoft has a $250,000 reward out for a solution and they are spending large internally for a fix. So far there is no protection.

So if you get the pop up for IDS software Internet Security 2010, the best route is to shut down the computer and make a trip to your favorite computer repair place. The fix that Moses is using is to back up our files in documents, pictures, and music and dump windows and reload. This is the first time I've ever had a virus of any kind. I thought I just needed a great virus protection program and Window's Defender. Wow, was I wrong.

Are You Addicted?

I love coffee, maybe too much. Cups of coffee, coffee smoothies, iced coffee from McDonald’s - you name it I’ll drink it (and alot of it). I can’t drink just one cup either, I can drink it all day. Anyone else have this problem? Not sure? Well, if at least 10 of these 25 signs you’re drinking too much coffee applies to you… you might be addicted.
  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  2. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  3. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  4. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  5. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  6. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  7. When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
  8. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd’s of London.
  9. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  10. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
  11. Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  12. You channel surf faster without a remote.
  13. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  14. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  15. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  16. Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
  17. You short out motion detectors.
  18. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  19. You help your dog chase its tail.
  20. You’re up to four heart attacks a day.
  21. You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
  22. You’re passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!
  23. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
  24. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  25. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Andy and Sally

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet

Sally quickly picked it up, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money...fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, they knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Hat tip: Sarge of Sarge Charlie

The Chief

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and replies "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and replies "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied: "My bike."

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Speedcat Hollydale

It's a brand new year and it's cold outside. Speedcat Hollydale is contemplating the biggest challenge of his life. He's going to attempt to scale the Sears Tower with suction cups on his hands and feet, while dressed as Elvis in the hopes of jumping from the top and successfully deploying his not so colorful rappelling gear.

He stops at one office window and sees something strange. Three hooligans dressed in tie dye playing bongo drums and drinking beer and yelling profane language and watching an episode of "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire." They seem to be struggling with the question Meridith asks, "Who was Lillibet Monserrat? They all look quizzically at each other and Simon says, "wait wasn't she just featured on America's Most Wanted?

And now for our next feature, which is Hillbilly Willy in his long johns going down to the creek singing Hey. His favorite number from Creedance Clearwater Revival, which just happens to be "Hey Tonight". Moving right along one of the three hooligans notices Speedcat and yells, "What have you been up to?" and Speedcat says, Nut 'N Honey! Hey that'd be a great name for something like a cereal. The hooligan is momentarily distracted by Speedcat's brilliance. Speedcat seizes the moment and takes the first flight to Norway to visit his Viking friend. He needs to escape, get new inspirations and experience the best spa in the world.

He also need to make some Old Nordic wine that his great-great-great-great-great-Viking cousin "Vinny the Viking" passed down from ancestor to ancestor, until finally the recipe was that of CAKE! Of course there cannot be a story without a nice big cake. as they sat down to enjoy it something amazing happened. It was a massive ship coming down the fiord and headed for a crash into the cake making shack. Speedcat and Renny dived into the water, and Sandee was there with a rescue boat. AMAZING TIMING!

The cake was saved, and Empress Bee, ManOverBoard, RennyBA, DrillerAA09, Finding Pam, CrAzY Working Mom, Buggys, Sandy B, Mike Golch, Hillbilly Willy, Ann, Grace, Jeff B, Rajagopalan, Michele, Louis, Don, and Who Woulda Thunkit all had a gala lute fisk bash in the Sears Tower all wearing suction cup suits! Then a mysterious guest arrived, it was Arv but he was not alone. The ghost of old Viking king William the Conqueror had followed him to the party, but the Ghost-busters were right behind the old King fixing to zap him, and zap him they did.

It was then that Speedcat woke up in a sweat. Was this a dream? It seemed so very real. It was then that Speedcat realized that he'd had anchovies on his pizza. That surely was the reason for this weird dream. The really strange thing is there are cake crumbs all over the bed.

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

Joanne of Another Day in Paradise
Don of Beyond Left Field
Lois of Lowdown from Lois
Michele of Michele's Liquidfreedom...
Rajagopalan of Just Out

Jeff B of A Word In Edgewise
Grace of Hugz Before You Go
Ann of Ann's Snap Edit & Scrap
Sandy B of Traveling Bells
Willy of Hillbilly Willy

Buggys of Cute as a Buggy
DrillerAA09 of Driller's Place
Tisha of CrAzY Working Mom
Pam of Finding Pam
Renny of RennyBA's Terella

Katherine of iTravel
Glenn of ManOverBoard.com
Empress Bee (of the High Sea) of Muffin53
Speedcat Hollydale of Speedcat Hollydale Page
Arv of On The Wall
Lilyruth of DogCents

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to Speedcat Hollydale (Story Game). You are all awesome!

The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. In a few days I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want. Thanks for playing along and have a great Sunday.

Here's the beginning of our new story: It's a brand new year and it's cold outside. Speedcat Hollydale is contemplating the biggest challenge of his life. He's going to...

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. I hope you and yours had a very happy New Year's Day. Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Do you do New Year Resolutions? Yes or No.

Happy New Year

May your New Year be filled with good health, happiness and prosperity.
 

Statistics


Page Rank

Top Talkers