Happy New Year's Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Stolen from Phil of Phils Phun
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Grandson

A heartwarming story.

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big boobs."
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Awww...Mondays #45

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How to Lick a Bowl

This little guy really knows how to lick a bowl properly. You just have to love puppies. Well, maybe not this one...




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The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are home, but I'm tired after the wonderful Christmas we enjoyed yesterday. I hope your Christmas was wonderful too. Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases/questions, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases/questions for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Does your Christmas tree/decorations stay up until after the New Year or comes down the day after Christmas?
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Happy Birthday Roger

Roger Dman of Idaho Photo is having a birthday today. He's finally 40 years old. Baby. This is his birthday cake from a couple of years ago. If you want a chuckle then click on his cake and it will take you to his birthday post from two years ago. Have a great birthday my very special friend. Big hug and lotsa lovies.

♪♪Happy Birthday to you♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday Dear Roger,♪♪
♪♪Happy Birthday to you.♪♪
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Merry Christmas

Thanks Lisa of Live and Learn for posting exactly what I was thinking.
I am making a conscious effort to wish everyone
A Merry Christmas this year ...
My way of saying that I am
celebrating the birth Of Jesus Christ.
Maybe we can prevent one more American
tradition from being lost in the sea of "Political Correctness".
To one and All...
Jesus is the reason for the season!

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Santa?

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

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Jolly and Cute

If you see a fat man ...
Who's jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!

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Awww...Mondays #44

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An Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible. " Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women. eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun
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Mother Superior

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, ‘Good morning sisters.’

The novices replied, ‘Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.’ But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, ‘I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.’

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been
teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, ‘Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.’

‘Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.’ But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, ‘She got out of the wrong side of bed today.’ Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.

‘Good morning, Sister Mary. I’m so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.’

‘Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.’

Mother Superior was floored! ‘Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.’

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. ‘Oh, don’t take it personal, Mother Superior. It’s just that you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers!

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun
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Little Johnny

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD because Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before because Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD because Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "Who said that?"

Johnny said, "Tiger Woods! Can I go now?"

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Awww...Mondays #43

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Dear Santa

When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots or your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
-Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
- Jimmy
Jimmy,
That whiney-begging stuff may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
- Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses behinds, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
-Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my freaking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, PlayStation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who the heck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
- Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
- Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
- Santa
Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

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Kids on the Bible #2

* David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Kids on the Bible #1

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

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Change of Watch

Friday night was indeed a very special night. I was surprised to receive the very first Vice Commodore's Service Award and before the evening would end I would be sworn in as vice commodore.

There was one other thing that was near and dear to my heart though and that was the Christmas 94571 (toys for tots) drive. During our November meeting I begged for a big outpouring of gifts for the kids. After all we are all so very fortunate. Well it worked beyond my wildest dreams. Toys were everywhere. People brought bags of toys. It has to be the biggest toy drive for our club. I'm so proud of every member that participated.


Click on photographs to biggify!

Then the time finally came for us to be sworn in. I introduce to you the three new flag officers for 2010. From left to right - Rear Commodore Duffy; Vice Commodore Sandee and Commodore Wayne. Can you tell we are happy? We certainly are.

What a great night.

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The Service Award

This is the first of two posts on my recent Change of Watch dinner wherein I was the hostess. I knew that there was going to be a 'Service Award', but I never dreamed that I would be the first recipient. I was totally shocked. It really made my day.
Tomorrow's post...Change of Watch where I went from rear commodore to vice commodore. It was indeed an exciting evening.

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Life Begins...

At a round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life begin?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.

"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "it begins at birth."

"It's in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."

"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."

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Awww...Mondays #42

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Little Bobby

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

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What's in a Name?

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear! These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: http://www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island'. It can be found at: http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. 'The First Cumming Methodist Church' Web site is: http://www.cummingfirst.com

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site: http://www.speedofart.com

Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site.

♪♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪♪
♪♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪♪
♪♪ Happy Birthday Dear Sarge Charlie, ♪♪
♪♪ Happy Birthday to you. ♪♪

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Change of Watch

Tonight I am the host of our annual change of watch dinner. It's when each flag officer advances to the next chair in the yacht club, with the outgoing commodore advancing to staff commodore. Last year I was thrilled to start my first year as a flag officer. A rear commodore is responsible for executing all the drive in meetings (5) and then setting up the cruise outs (6) for the following year. Tonight is my last drive in function.

Our truck is currently loaded with wine (I've been hauling cases of it around all year for birthdays and anniversaries), two bags of toys for our Christmas 94571 (toys for tots), raffle gifts, and a gift for each couple from hubby and I. Well, it's Christmas you know. The really great part...when we leave the function tonight we won't have anything to haul away. Wonderful.

Tonight I will be sworn in as the vice commodore. This is a thrilling moment for me. It will shift my responsibilities and prepare me to assume the position of commodore next year. There is much work in each of the flag positions, and the bottom line is...we do this so all the other members of the club can enjoy different venues at different restaurants and many wonderful yacht clubs. I'm looking forward to a very fun-filled year. Now bring on the good weather so I can go boating.

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Welcome to Heaven

An 85-year-old couple had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bloody bran flakes. We could have been here 10 years ago!"

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings
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Old Charlie

Every Friday Old Charlie went to his doctor with lots of things wrong with him. The doctor thought that he was a hypochondriac. However Old Charlie died and the doctor fretted about it thinking that there must have been something he missed. The worry killed the doctor. A little later there was a knock on his coffin.

'Yes' he responded.

'It's Old Charlie. Can you give me something for worms?'

Stolen from Phil of Phils Phun

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