Awww...Mondays #41

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. Speedcat Hollydale 2. reva 3. Diane 4. Grace 5. kat 6. Don 7. Ana 8. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 9. Jack K. 10. Buggys 11. Sherry at EX Marks the Spot

12. Adi 13. Lois Grebowski 14. barb 15. ManOverBoard.com 16. K 17. Ann 18. Sandy B 19. dawn 20. Mike Golch 21. Anglia 22. Rajagopalan

23. Steve 24. Bob 25. Desert Songbird 26. Call Center 27. Art by Tomas 28. Blog de Franco 29. Buck Naked Politics 30. Cats We Love You 31. Dogcents 32. Ethereal Heaven 33. Bingo

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The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are home, but it's time to put Christmas together so we will be busy with lights, trees, and other Ho, Ho, Ho decorations. Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Real Christmas tree or fake Christmas tree?

Advice From Kids

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer."
-Hannah, age 9

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
-Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
-Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."
-Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."
- Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."
- Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
-Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
-Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
-Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
-Eileen, age 8

A Day of Thanks

I'm wishing all my blogging buddies that celebrate Thanksgiving a joyous day filled with love, thanks, and lots of great food. May we cherish the time that family and friends gather to celebrate Thanksgiving. Hugs to each of you.

The Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next week.

The Dog

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Awww...Mondays #40

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. Decent Group 2. mike golch 3. Rajagopalan 4. Diane 5. Ana 6. Sandy B 7. Finding Pam 8. plainolebob 9. Grace 10. Steve 11. BK 12. Virtual Assistant 13. Jim 14. Linda 15. Wendy

16. Jack K. 17. Ann 18. Don 19. barb 20. ManOverBoard.com 21. K 22. Arv 23. Speedcat 24. Carol G 25. Annie 26. Tomas 27. Kat 28. Joe 29. Speedy 30. Dawn

31. Jenn 32. Drillers Place 33. Gracie 34. Adam 35. Frank 36. Ivana 37. Steven 38. Gracie 39. Happy Tiler 40. Roger 41. Rhonda 42. Zane 43. Wendy

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Making a Difference

I received this email yesterday from Lands' End. I thought it was very well done and directed right at me as a customer of Lands' End. I wanted to share it with my readers. This is the entire message:

This story will inspire you to make a difference. Watch it to the end - you're a part of it too.

Click Here

Animator vs Animation

Just click on the picture below, click on play, then leave the mouse alone, sit back and enjoy a piece of creative brilliance.

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

The Rabbis

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "Heeeeeeeeee's Riiiiiiiiight!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So?," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Efficiency

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

America: Passing the Blame

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while typing this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Awww...Mondays #39

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. Mike golch 2. Jack K. 3. Diane 4. SilverNeurotic 5. K 6. Empress Bee (of the High Sea)

7. Grace 8. Lois Grebowski 9. barb 10. Jim 11. Rajagopalan 12. Sandy B

13. Karen @ Blazing Minds 14. Steve 15. Ana 16. Bingo 17. Cloudia

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The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are off to the boat for the weekend (what else is new). Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Ham or Turkey?

Paddy and Maggie

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem and since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village, they went to see the Veterinarian. The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told Paddy and Maggie to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and, in a boasting voice, said: “And that, me son, is how ya waves a towel.”

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

One Texas Soldier

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."

Hat tip: Mike of Rambling Stuff and Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

A Night In Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Awww...Mondays #38

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. plainolebob 2. gp in montana 3. Mike golch 4. Free T Shirts 5. DianeCA 6. Jack K 7. Lois Grebowski 8. Don 9. barb

10. Linda 11. RennyBA's Terella 12. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 13. KAT 14. K 15. kat 16. Dawn 17. Speedcat Hollydale 18. Jim

19. WillOaks Studio 20. Rajagopalan 21. TrueThinks 22. Anthony North 23. Essaywriter.UK 24. Bingo 25. Storyteller

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Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

What my Birthdate Means

You Are a Tycoon

Watch out Donald Trump! You've got a head for business and money.
You'll make it rich some day, even if you haven't figured out how yet.
A supreme individualist, you shouldn't get stuck in a corporate job.
Instead, make your own way - so that you can be the boss.

• Your strength: Your undying determination
• Your weakness: You require an opulent lifestyle
• Your power color: Plum
• Your power symbol: Dollar sign
• Your power month: August

Some of this is right on the money.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?
The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

What's in a Name?

What Sandee Means...
S is for Sporty
A is for Adventurous
N is for Neat
D is for Darling
E is for Exquisite
E is for Energetic

That's just so me. Well, some of it is.

What Does Your Name Mean?
Blogthings: A Fine Line Between Insight and Stupidity

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father's age, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty pathetic," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Happy Birthday Empress Bee

Empress Bee of muffin53 is having a birthday today. Anyone that knows her knows she loves cake, so there is cake for everyone. Please go over and wish her a very Happy Birthday. ♥ you honey.

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday Dear Empress Bee,
Happy Birthday to you.

Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Awww...Mondays #37

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. plainolebob 2. Mission Impawwsible 3. Jim 4. Anglia 5. Mike golch 6. Ana 7. Vodkamom 8. Finding Pam

9. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 10. Jack K. 11. Grace 12. Sandy B 13. katherine. 14. K 15. Lois Grebowski 16. Lance

17. Ivanhoe 18. ManOverBoard.com 19. anthonynorth 20. jennifer 21. Arv 22. Bingo

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Catholic School

Little Tommy's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents:

An A in Math! "Tommy! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy shook his head.

"Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, Mom, it's like this. When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren't screwing around!"