Dead Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.

The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff.

"Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

Suicide

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.

The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off that building and commits suicide."

The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"

They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 o'clock news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he'd jump off again!"

A Halloween Tale

It was almost Halloween and Anthony was deep in his yearly depression. He just hated Halloween. Truth be known he was afraid of Halloween because he was traumatized as a pubescent preteen. Every year his mother would decide how he was to dress up for Halloween. Four years ago, she decided to dress him up as a Smurf, followed by Tinky Winky the purple Tella Tubbie the year after.

Last year she dressed him up as Dame Edna, which didn't quite work that well. Anthony had a major crush on the girl next door, Sally. Each year his mother would force him out for Trick or Treat, and also make sure that he went to Sally's house. He was terrified and embarrassed by these ridiculous costumes, and what Sally might think about him. This year he was going to rebel and change everything.

He was going to go out as a pimp and Sally was going to dress as a 'Ho'! Off they went into the night him in his Mack Daddy hat and Sally in her tight mini skirt and those horrible high platform spike heels, looking like was going to tumble over any second. They stumbled upon another couple that was leaving the neighbors' house, which was dark, with very strange sounds echoing through the lawn. When they approached the door they found a screeching cat, and headless mans' head rolling after them!

They ran so fast in the other direction that they stumbled onto the cemetery next door, unfortunately where an open hole was waiting to receive an expected occupant; however what they didn't know was that Anthony's evil twin brother who was a real warlock had demanded that Anthony immediately give him a Klondike bar. Anthony did not have a Klondike bar, as he had eaten it before he left the house. However, thinking fast, he pulled out a cucumber wrapped in aluminum foil and then the sudden realization that he would lose his family 13 years.

As upset as Anthony was to find that he'd be losing his family in 13 years, all he could think about was Sally and how upset she was that Anthony had given her cucumber to his evil twin brother, Schmanthony. As Anthony tried to console Sally, he promised her that he would make it up to her later that night by giving her the biggest cucumber she had ever seen! But, until then, "let the party begin" he told her as they entered the neighbors house. The first thing the guests were asked to do was cut themselves a huge hunk of cake and pour some hot tea then they all brought out the naked pictures of Bea Arthur, 20 cans of Crisco and the tequila, of course.

Two hours later after they had played, "Pin the dress on Bea" and made deep fried tequila battered onion rings, Anthony and Sally realized the bathroom was full due to an 'intestinal crisis'. The 'Pimp and Ho' be-clad couple stumbled out the door and were about to cross the street when suddenly they heard a noise coming from a car parked by the curb. They approached the car to investigate but they were stunned to see the ghostly sight at the rear seat.

They pulled themselves together and proceeded cautiously towards the car where they saw why Anthony's mother was always rushing him out of the house on Halloween. There she was in the back seat of the car, her eyes closed and her mouth opened as she strummed the notes of the banjo and the guitar from the instrumental, Dueling Banjos on the waistband of her control top panties.

Dueling Banjos brought back memories of love gone by.... Back when her cousin was courting her (after all, she was living in the mountains of West Virginia back then). But she had to forget that careless time because out of the window she could see a pimp and a ho staring at her. So she did the only thing she could think to do, she could try to forget over her cake but her heart was not in it, instead she took a glass and poured a generous slug of moonshine. Her night was as good as it was going to get.

Sally reached for that big cucumber that Anthony had promised her earlier and was very disappointed in how small it really was. I guess that Sally's night was as good as it was going to get too. Poor Anthony...He just can't win.

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r
Lois of Lowdown from Lois
Joanne of Another Day in Paradise
Plainolebob of Just Kicken it Around
Mommanator of Grannies Ramblings

Sandy B of Traveling Bells
Don of Beyond Left Field
Moooooog35 of Mental Poo
Adeel Imran of GobblerR-Tech Blog
Barb of WillThink4Wine

DrillerAA09 of Driller's Place
Empress Bee (of the High Sea)of Muffin53
surveygirl46 of Survey Says...
Jennifer of Dust Bunny Hostage
Ann of Ann's Snap Edit & Scrap

Rajagopalan of Just Out
Descartes of If You Write It
Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me
Ettarose of Sanity of Edge
Cloudia of Comfort Spiral

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to A Halloween Tale. You are all awesome!

The Boat Launch

Greg just bought a new boat, and decided to take her for the maiden voyage. This was his first boat, and he wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching it off a ramp, but figured it couldn't be too hard.

He consulted his local boat dealer for advice, but they just said, "don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat."

Well, he didn't know what they meant by that, as he could barely get the trailer in the water at all!

Anyhow, here's a picture.

Some people shouldn't be allowed out alone!

Hat tip: Jeanine H.

Awww...Mondays #36

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. plainolebob 2. Hobo 3. K 4. Grace 5. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 6. sterndal 7. ManOverBoard.com

8. Mike golch 9. Anglia 10. michael 11. Linda 12. Jack K. 13. Ana 14. Sandy B

15. Netflix Trial 16. Der Culler 17. anthonynorth 18. Jim 19. Invisalign

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The Story Game

The Story Game is still in progress. It's the post right below this one.

What's happening with Anthony and his fear of Halloween? What have my readers done to this story? What craziness has taken place? Is this Halloween story happy or sad? Is it twisted all out of shape as I hope it will be? Is there a cake? There usually is if Empress Bee plays along.

I'm always amazed at what my readers come up with for the Story Game. So come on and play. It's fun.

The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. I just want you to have something entertaining to do if you swing by for a visit this weekend while I'm off boating. So play nice. Okay?

Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. Next week I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want and the game will run all weekend. Thanks for playing along.

Here's the beginning of our new story: It was almost Halloween and Anthony was deep in his yearly depression. He just hated Halloween. Truth be known he was afraid of Halloween because ...

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are off to the boat for the weekend (what else is new). Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Decorate for Halloween or Hide on Halloween?

Maxine's Words of Wisdom

And for the guys...

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

Animal Love...

If I Didn't Have a Dog... Or Cat...

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel..

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

I would have money, and no guilt to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with numerous veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids through college.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

My house would not look like a day care center, with toys everywhere.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L,, F-R-I-S-B-E-E, W-A-L-K,, T-R-E-A-T,, R-I-D-E,, GO.

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.

I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading 'mud' season.

I would not have to answer the question, 'Why do you have so many animals?' from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an angel as they will ever get.

How EMPTY my life would be!!!

'Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.'

Hat tip: Donna M.

Ask Mike

Why Men do not Write Advice Columns.

Dear Mike,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Mike

Hat tip: Nick M.

Awww...Mondays #35

I'm doing something a bit different for this weeks Awww...Mondays. Cebu Pictures suggested that they would send a cute picture and sure enough they did. This little family member is from the Philippines. Thank you Cebuimage for sharing your dressed up baby.

So does anyone else have cute pictures they want to send me? I'll feature them in Awww...Mondays and give you a link.
"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

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7. barb 8. Empress Bee 9. Grace 10. Don 11. Jude 12. Ivanhoe

13. Dorothy L 14. Trials 15. arun506 16. Jim 17. Whitby 18. Ana 19. Bingo 20. Gabriel

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Zingers...

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat.... she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

Highlights of the Bay Cruise

On Monday, October 5th we headed out of Benicia toward San Francisco. Here's a couple of pictures of our view of San Francisco as we were heading toward Raccoon Strait and Sausalito. As you can see it was hazy, but I'm never disappointed in seeing the San Francisco skyline by water. It's spectacular to say the least.

Click on photographs to BIGIFY.
The next four shots are our boats sterned into the Sausalito Cruising Club docks. The first shot is at high tide (just after we arrived), and the next three shots were at low tide. You see the little guy out there holding onto the pole? You don't want to ever take your boat out there during high tide. It was quite a piece of work to get those boats sterned in without hitting that island.

The Taliban Soldier

A fleeing Taliban soldier, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"Okay," said the old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

The Explaination...

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman, and she was very upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in minutes.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just like them.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Do you have anything else that you wife doesn't use?'

Hat tip: Nick M.

The Ghet

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says, “Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.”

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.

So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, “You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?” (Circumcision)

She replies, “Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!”

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

This is For You, Gorgeous

Today is National 'HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE HOT' Day!

Send this to someone gorgeous, but don't send it back to me, I've been getting this thing all freakin' morning!

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

Awww...Mondays #34

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

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7. barb 8. Misty Dawn 9. Rajagopalan 10. storyteller 11. Mike golch 12. Print Brochures

13. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 14. Reverse Cell Phones 15. Ana 16. cebu pictures

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Anatomy Class

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor – the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.”

For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just stand there, paralyzed at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson… “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and I sucked on my index finger… Now, learn to pay attention.”

The moral: Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher when you’re stupid.

Twin 454's

The twin 454s roared to life, prepared to consume hundreds of gallons of fuel. Zane and Sandee left the dock with hearts quickened by the prospect of the skyline of San Francisco appearing across their bow. Sandee was incredibly excited. It had been a long, exhausting week and she was looking forward to a relaxing and romantic couple of days. She had no idea, however, what Zane had in store for her. Yep. It was going to be a bumpy ride.

It could not have been a more perfect morning to start an adventure. The water was like glass, the air was cool and crisp, and the aroma of fresh brewed coffee only served to heighten her expectations. She and Zane enjoyed the sunrise over the city by the bay. Watching as the sun spotlight the sights of SF -- Coit tower and the Golden Gate Bridge. Off they went to Tadish Grill for a true SF lunch.

Little did they -- or other diners - know that an escapee from the mental facility had finagled a job in the kitchen. His intentions were evil. It was "the bush man" normally seen at the wharf but no one recognized him because he didn't have his bush branch with him. He did something funny to the bay shrimp salad that resembled a strange voodoo act. Sandee and Zane chose not to order the salad, but chose another fabulous dish instead off the menu.

Sandee had ordered a wonderful Fillet Mignon with Fresh Lobster Tail, and Zane had ordered a Dover Sole with a wild rice pilaf. The Bushman had seen Sandee and Zane dock their boat at the wharf and new that their boat is the one he wanted to make his escape. He helped in preparing the order for Sandee and Zane. He thought that he had this one chance to ready his get away. He assumed that Zane would have ordered the steak and lobster and that Sandee would have ordered the sole. He laced the steak and lobster with Cialis and also laced the sole with Spanish Fly. He thought that that would keep them very busy once the "hydrolics" kicked in so he could make his get away with their boat.

What he thought was Spanish Fly was actually Salt Peter (he was functionally illiterate). The laced dishes were served to Sandee and Zane, and the bushman waited patiently for his additions to kick in not realizing that Sandee received the Cialis laced Lobster, and Zane received the Sole laced with Salt Peter. The bushman waited for his moment to go and steal the boat, but Zane and Sandee started to sing show tunes and then started to dance the Paso Doble! She was smokin'! Who knew Sandee could dance like that?! Zane was barely keeping up with Sandee, because of course the poor guy had too much wine and then Sandee spotted a Norwegian Viking - they fell in love - and he took her to the land of the midnight sun. Sitting on a beach with a glory red never ending sunset Sandee said: "Sven, take me in your arms and never let me go."

It would not be so however. Zane had long since recovered from the ill affects of the salt peter and was now in hot pursuit of his beloved Sandee. As his boat neared the beach where Sven and Sandee were hopelessly locked in an passionate embrace Zane shouted out, "run Sandee run!!" and Sandee looked up and said "you talkin' to me?"

How do you expect me to run in this sea shell thong bikini for crying out loud? Go get that Segway that we rented earlier, it will be much quicker and safer. Sandee was dismayed, for her love for Zane was so strong that she would NEVER in her right mind fall for ANYONE, not ever... Feeling shaken, and worried, Sandee hit Sven over the head with an old oar, and told him, "You fool, I could never love anyone besides Zane, what are you up to anyway?" Sven held his bleeding head and said, "Who are you?"

Sven looked up at Sandee and said, "You must me a mermaid, because only mermaids wear sea shell thong bikinis." Sandee looked down at him, still kind of angry and said, "I'm not a mermaid, I wear a Sea Shell thong bikini because a Bee shell is too small, and a Dee Shell is too large." Sven, Sandee, and Zane were ready to head their own ways, but then they looked over the bay and saw the Bushman. The Bushman had a box of sea shells and ball of string.

Sandee could feel the affects of the tainted food taking over. Her body flushed with what could only be described as a wanton, lustful greed. She glanced towards Zane as the setting sun cast its golden glow, surrounding him, making him appear God like, making her want him more now than ever.

She felt a heat pass through her body, settling somewhere between her belly and her thighs and she took a few tentative steps towards him. He had always been the love of her life and today was no different. Sven was now just a figure of her imagination as she spotted the tell tale sign that the Cialis had kicked in. Yes, the flag had been raised and she could not help but anticipate what might happen when they returned to their waiting yacht.

The Bushman would have to find someone else to mess with because in less than eight hours things would start to return to normal for Zane. Sandee knew she had to use this time wisely. First she made sure all the doors were locked on the yacht, stepped out of the bikini and lit some candles. Several hours later folks could still see the yacht gently and not-so-gently rocking in the waves.....Just when Zane thought he could take it no more (and the Cialis was wearing off) a knock was heard at the door.

It was Neptune, God of the Sea. He was furious with the "Rockin and Rollin" that was coming from the direction of the yacht. It was creating a tempest in the oyster beds and the Mother of Pearls was having a hard time getting the "Pearlets" to sleep. When Sandee opened the door, Neptune was ready to yield his trident, but then he noticed the Sea Shell Thong Bikini that was hanging on a post of the foot of the bed. Neptune recognized that bikini, and in turn recognized Sandee, for he realized that Sandee was his long lost Mother.

Neptune bowed and wept at the sight of his long lost mother. Sandee, Mother of the Titans, overseer of all that is earthbound and of the Heavens. Even Zeus pays homage to the Queen Mother of the Titans. Sandee had been lost for a millennium, not knowing her true origins due to a tragic accident that left her with amnesia. Neptune filled Sandee in with the truth of her identity, and with the combination of a Cialis overdose, her memory started to come back to her.

Sandee realized that it was not an accident that caused her misfortune, but she was poisoned by an evil gorgon. A gorgon that she now recognized as the Bushman. It became clear to Sandee that the Bushman had kept her in a state of amnesia all these years to fulfill his evil mission. Donning her Sea Shell Thong Bikini (which now was not quite as snug, for the drugs had worn off), she grabbed her scimitar and took Zane and Neptune with her to find and finally defeat the gorgon Bushman. But before they left, Sandee had to write a blog post.

As soon as she was done posting, her beloved Zane swept her off her feet and spoke of his deep love. She in return did the same. "What a day!" she said and all of a sudden the evil Empress Pipi of Longeth Hose appeared on the bow of their lovely yacht. "You have discovered your true identity," bellowed Pipi. "I am the mother of all gorgons, and you will not have your revenge over my son."

To avert a battle to challenge the Gods, Zane grabbed his twin 454s, and ever so slightly, lifted them that when he started them they would create a great diversion. He was not going to allow this mother of all gorgons to interfere with ANYTHING his precious Sandee set out to do, especially since she was mother to Neptune, and this awful mess had to be resolved that the sea might return to the perfection it had always been, plus, he was feeling the effects of Cialis again, and could not help but feel more and more for her, and danged, that bikini was sexy!

Zane stepped forward after lifting his 454s and said to the mother of the gorgons. Even as Zane was distracted, he was indeed a great pilot and skipper, because he was the captain of the SS Minnow for years before the Gilligan's took over.
He grabbed Sandee's hand as they made a sharp starboard turn, but the hand was greasy from lunch (chicken)...and she FELL OVERBOARD!!! Oh my, her life preserver was not on.

But not all was lost, the string of pearls that held the wondrous Sea Shell String Bikini together caught on the anchor rope guide eye-hooks. Reacting without a thought, Zane reached over the hull of the yacht, and was able to pull Sandee back up by the pearls (remember they were strung by the Gods). Sandee, now exasperated by the events, raised her mighty Scimitar of Truth and it started to glow a blinding light of white. Sandee spoke in the ancient tongue of the Gods and Zane and the gorgon bushman Ptooie! That ancient tongue was very salty and barely fit in her mouth! Even more determined, Sandee stood on the edge of the bow, held up her Scimitar of Truth and after un-snagging it from he Seashell bikini, lowered the Scimitar of Truth to the surface of the sea and shouted, By the power of Grayskull...I have Gray cells! The Scimitar of Truth, which had an inbuilt lie detector glowed with wrath, cos Sandee actually had a positronic brain. That's exactly what Sandee was waiting for. Both the gorgon bushman and his evil mother vanished into thin air.

The sun returned and all was well with the world. Zane and Sandee resumed their romantic bay cruise without further mishap.

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

Vodka Mom of I Need a Martini Mom
Drilleraa of Brain Freeze
Lois of Lowdown From Lois
Sherry of A is for Anecdotes...S is for Smiles
Sassy Mama Bear of Cafe at the End of the Universe
Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r
Marilyn of More Random Than Average
Gandalf and Grayson of Gandalf and Grayson
Renny of RennyBA's Terella
Jeff of A Word In Edgewise
Empress Bee (of the High Sea) of Muffin 53
Lyn of The Loft of Love by Lynda
JBWriterGirl of The "Not-So" News/JBLA
Mimi of Mimi Writes...
Rhonda of Led Beside Still Waters
Eric of Speedcat Hollydale Page
Roger of Idaho Photo
Stupidosaur of The Little Ranting Reptile and Other Stories....

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to Twin 454's!

Related Posts:

Empress Bee (of the High Sea)
Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r
The Tall Texan
The Young Politician
The Evil Queen
The Handsome Prince

The World’s Economic Viruses

Government Virus – Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected officials say it’s getting better.

Political Virus – Doesn’t actually do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until the next election.

Econometrician Virus – Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17 percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2% margin of error).

Marxian Virus – Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it wants to.

Environmental Virus – Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks you if you’ve considered the alternatives.

Chinese Virus – Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and calls you a liar.

AIG Virus – Makes sure it’s too big to fail, while crashing everything else.

Stimulus Virus – Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When you finally recover, you’re 10 trillion more dollars in debt.

Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!”

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. ”Who’s your partner?” asked his father…

Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”

The Confessional Booth

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”

A Marriage Made In Heaven

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get married in Heaven. To his surprise, the woman asks, “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

More Quotes

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Steven Wright
Bob Hope
George Burns

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Steve Martin
Fred Allen
Woody Allen

A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Bill Cosby
Groucho Marx
Charlie Chaplin

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Abigail Van Buren
Erma Bombeck
Lily Tomlin

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Oscar Wilde
Francois de La Rochefoucauld

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Humor Quotes

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.
Christopher Morley

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.
Henry Ward Beecher

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.
Mignon McLaughlin

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
William A. Ward

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
E. B. White

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.
Sid Caesar

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
William James

Work Quotes

All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

All things are difficult before they are easy.
Thomas Fuller

Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.
Al Capp

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.
Sam Ewing

Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.
Thomas A. Edison

Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction.
Anne Frank

Life grants nothing to us mortals without hard work.
Horace

Marriage Quotes

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Katharine Hepburn

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.
Robert Anderson

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.
Helen Rowland

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
Benjamin Disraeli

It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others.
Helen Rowland

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Robert Frost

Political Quotes

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
Lily Tomlin

No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent.
Abraham Lincoln

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
Will Rogers

Our government... teaches the whole people by its example. If the government becomes the lawbreaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy.
Louis D. Brandeis

Talk is cheap - except when Congress does it.
Cullen Hightower