Rules For Driving In New Jersey - Part II

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make NJ look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily enforceable.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on the Garden State Parkway.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged.

Learn to swerve abruptly. NJ is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to NJDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional in NJ to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The state is founded upon such traditions.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

All unmarked exits on the Parkway lead to downtown Newark.

Rules For Driving In New Jersey - Part I

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels.

Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your antilock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.

The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they're just to make the Turnpike look progressive.

The Blonde Hooker

She was tall, thin and beautiful. She was also a hooker that knew her good looks wouldn't last forever. She needed to find a new line of work, but she was also blonde and had that long list of perfectly good excuses not to, besides she had a 3-year lease at a really crummy apartment. She really loved that apartment because it was so convenient to the train station, especially important for the commute her new job at Walmart. But could she stock shelves in a short skirt and high heels.

Maybe she should go to work at the nearest law firm and try to get into the secretarial field. Hey if Erin Brockovich...with her provocative and leggy look could do it but then she thought, maybe not and thought instead Lowe's. She at least could charge for people looking up her skirt to help pay off her lease at her crummy apartment, which she really loved anyway. She almost loved it as much as she loved her little dog.

She's still thinking about her ideal job. She loves to party and travel. She has even thought about taking up golf because one of her friends plays. He is a politician.

Maybe, she should bake a cake, but not just any cake. This cake was going to be made with three ounces of the aphrodisiac that she was saving for a special occasion. The cake came out perfect, but who to serve it to? "That's it," she thought. I'll take it over to the sanitation department where most of my clients work. I know that they'll help me with my tuition at the School of Massage and Poly-Sci. She figured if Monica L. could wear a stained blue dress that she could easily find replicated at the local Good Will. She could wear the T shirt and sweatpants that she's been baking in, that were stained with the cake batter that she had colored the exact blue of her eyes.

She took that blue cake and walked on over to the massage school, just in time to begin the massage session. After a short while she distributed the cake to her friends and clients. However they stared at her stained clothes curiously. "Its cake batter!" she points out. they all mumble. "Hows the cake?" she says trying to break the awkwardness. No one answers.

She sits there staring out the window thinking that it the effect of the cake should start to begin in half a hour. While the minutes slowly pass by, she tries to count up all the money she will make once the aphrodisiac kicks in but eventually gives up when she runs out of fingers to count. Not long afterward she decides to check her email and finally accept ALL those offers to split millions of dollars with HER from ALL those nice men that need her help getting their money out of Africa (hmmm....she thinks AF...RIK...A?..must be in Rhode Island), oh well, she finds a computer and sends off a message to her former co-workers at Wal-Mart, telling them what asses they are for thinking that the evil yellow Wal*Mart Smiley had taken demonic possession of at least 90% of their trailer park patronage, so the story ends here. She eventually loses what little savings she has from all those guys in Rhode Island and is back working the streets to make ends meet (pun intended).

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

Barb of WillThink4Wine
Sandy B of Traveling Bells
Hillbilly Willy of Hillbilly Willy -Fun, Food & Politics
Dorothy L of Womensselfesteem.com's Blog
Unfinished Rambler of Unfinished Rambler

Pam of Finding Pam
Empress Bee (of the High Sea) of Muffin53
DK of Knucklehead!
Don of Beyond Left Field
Ettarose of Sanity on Edge

Surveygirl46 of Everything but the Furr...
Lidian of Kitchen Retro
Lois Grebowski of Lowdown from Lois
Rajagopalan of Just Out
Em-ILY of It Went all Cinerious

Ana of Hella Heaven
Staci of Just Bloggled
CatLadyLarew of How to Become A Cat Lady...Without the Cats

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to The Blonde Hooker. You are all awesome!

Awww...Mondays #32

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The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. I just want you to have something entertaining to do if you swing by for a visit this weekend while I'm off boating. So play nice. Okay?

Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. Next week I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want and the game will run all weekend. Thanks for playing along.

Here's the beginning of our new story: She was tall, thin and beautiful. She was also a hooker that knew her good looks wouldn't last forever. She needed to find a new line of work, but...

The Marine Story

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited dumb ass bitch!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Hat tip: Vern B.

Who's Your Role Model?

First, do the simple math below, then scroll down to find your hero.

It's CRAZY how accurate this is!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-8

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator.)

5) You'll get a 2 digit number.

6) Add the digits together.

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Snoopy

4. Ronald Reagan

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Babe Ruth

9. Sandee @ Comedy Plus

10. David Niven

I know I just have that effect on people. One day you, too, can be like me. Believe it!

P.S. Stop picking different numbers! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

The Blonde Cookbook

Monday
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good Night Dear Diary
This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger, he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave).

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home. Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked, and NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?

We just call him 'TV'.

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

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What Religion Are You?

After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Dennis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, Dennis replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.'

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are in Rio Vista for the Commodores Picnic (by boat of course). Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Summer or Fall?

Tulane Study

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Bordreaux and Thibodaux

Reverend Bordreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

"Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "You religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash... Bordeaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say 'Bridge Out'?"

Mergers and Acquisitions

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations later this year.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R Grace Co. will merge and become ~~ Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.


2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta Saltines join forces and become ~~ Poly, Warner Cracker.


3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become ~~ MMM Good.


4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Defasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ~~ ZipAudiDoDa.


5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS and become ~ ~ FedUp.


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become~~Fairwell Honeychild.


7. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become ~~ Knott NOW.


8. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name~~ TittytittyBangBang.


9. Simplicity Patterns and publishing giant Simon & Schuster will be known as~~Simple Simon.


10. A merger of the Bush Bean Co. and Maria Callendar Foods will produce~~Same Shit Different Day.

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Stock Market Terminology

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

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New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'. "

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit?... what happened next?"

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?"

Nestor Andre Cintron III

As a member of Project 2,996 it is my honor to celebrate the life of Nestor Andre Cintron. Today I will reflect on September 11, 2001 and remember how I felt that morning. How much of the world felt that morning. The unity that was felt all over America. Today I remember each and every person that lost their life on that fateful day. Always remember.

Name: Nestor Andre Cintron
Age: 26
From: New York, NY, United States
Occupation: broker, Cantor Fitzgerald
Location: World Trade Center, Tower 1

Hooked on Books

"I just want books, Ma," Nestor A. Cintron III would say.

Growing up in the Alfred E. Smith Houses in a tough part of the Lower East Side, Mr. Cintron was the resident intellectual. "My son didn't take any drugs; he had no bad habits; his thing was reading," his mother, Alicia Leguillow, recalled.

"For Christmas, I would get him $200 gift certificates to Borders and he would buy books."

Mr. Cintron, 26, a broker at Cantor Fitzgerald, read anything, but preferred books that were other-worldly: Carl Sagan, Michael Crichton and Robert Jordan were his favorite writers. He was a huge "Star Wars" buff.

He got his two younger brothers hooked, too, to the point where they would all sit at the dinner table reading. "They were never raised by a father, so they had each other," Mr. Cintron's mother said.

Ms. Leguillow knew her son was gifted from childhood, when a teacher at Public School 1 insisted on skipping him from the fourth to the sixth grade, because he was so far ahead in math. But he was still one of the guys.

"He had so much intelligence, he didn't need to show it," said his brother Fred Gonzalez Jr. (New York Times)

Sources:
The New York Times
Liberty Unites

The Story of Me

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch...

But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

Hat tip: Rhonda of Led Beside Still Waters

Bordreaux and Thibodaux

One day Bordreaux walked into Thibodaux's house and asked him may what's that in ya front yard??

Thibodaux said, "may it a helicopter."

Bordreaux says, "may a helicopter. What it do?"

Thibodaux say, "come see I show ya." They walk in the yard. Thibodaux gets in and takes off strait up into the clouds. After a while Bordreaux hears a loud noise and Thibodaux and helicopter come crashing down. So Bordreaux walks around and finds Thibodaux laying on da ground all cut-up.

Bordreaux asks, "may Thibodaux what happen?"

Thibodaux say, "may Bordreaux I was going up in dat helicopter der and it got cold so I turned off the fan!!!"

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

Stolen from: Glenn of Man Over Board

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Test Questions On The Bible

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Young Dave

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave noticed his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow.

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

What Are They Doing Dad?

One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.

"What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them.

"They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom.

As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.

"What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.

"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred to Me

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra,' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple ~

• The Catholic type supports the masses;
• The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
• The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
• The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
  

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

A ~ Almost Boobs.
B ~ Barely there.
C ~ Can't Complain.
D ~ Dang!
DD ~ Double dang!!
E ~ Enormous!!!
F ~ Fake.
G ~ Get a Reduction.
H ~ Help me, I've fallen and can't get up.

And last but not least the German bra: Holtzemfromfloppen

Hat tip: Lisa of Live and Learn

Two Ladies In Heaven

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How horrible!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack... I suspected that my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive!

Stolen from: Bing (PinkLady) of Sheepish Thoughts