Awww...Mondays #28

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What Time is it?

On some bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian, aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who's calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference...
If it's an American Airlines flight, it's 3 o'clock.
If it's an Air Force plane, it's 1500 hours.
If it's a Navy aircraft, it's 6 bells.
If it's an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it's a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

Hat tip: Vern B.
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After Shave

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."

Hat tip: Vern B.
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The Blonde

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits a blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens.

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.

She immediately decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, "Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?"

"Duh," says the blonde, "He has a licker license."

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me
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Church Organist

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said.... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, We will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun
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An Affair?

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Alan told his friend Don.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Don suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, it's 2009, Alan. Go ahead and tell her about it."

So Alan went home and said, "Dear, Our marriage seems to be stale. Do you think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it,"said his wife. "I've tried that with ten or twelve guys already - it never worked."

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun
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Empress Bee

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) has a very special granddaughter who is getting married today. They have all got their dresses, the tuxedos are pressed, but for some silly reason the bride won't get dressed. In fact, they cannot wake her up at all as she was dreaming of her prince charming. FINALLY she woke up with her little dog, Annie, licking her face... it was time to get ready, but first she ate breakfast then she took Annie for a walk in her garden among the tulips.

Then Lily, the lovely young bride, realized that even with all the planning for the wedding, they had not thought about the CAKE. "Oh My God," she thought out loud. "I'm getting married in three hours and we have no cake!". Immediately she phoned her Grand Mother and asked for help.

"You haven't ordered a cake at all?" asked Empress Bee. "You know that I have said over and over that no occasion no matter how small is complete without cake."

"I know Grand Mother, but you know what kind of pressure weddings can be." replied Lily.

"I know what weddings can be like. Just give me a little bit to get organized and I will give you a call back Lily."

Empress Bee of the High Sea, immediately started making phone calls all over the bluniverse. She phoned Mimi, Queen of Memes in Bloggingham, but quickly changed her mind, for she knows that Boggingham is not noted for its cuisine. She tried Prince Budwick, but he was busy taping a radio show. She then tried contacting Foxxfyrre the Serf, for she remembered that he became the unofficial chef of the Dungeons of Bloggingham (he's a lifer for meme dodging).

Foxxfyrre said he may be able to help, but getting supplies past the guards in the dungeon was going to be difficult. The Empress said that wouldn't be a problem because she had an idea. Together Foxxfyrre and the Empress cooked up a plan to make the most wonderful cake the Bluniverse had ever seen. The plan was crafty but the Empress started by calling Ms. Maggie Moo, who has got experience in baking. Of course Mags hopped on board immediately! It was for lovely Lily. But how are they going to deliver the cake from right coast to left coast on time?

Then up steps the groom to be. He swoops by riding his High Flyer bike, cries I'll ride like I have never ridden before and off he goes, flying in the clouds!

Just before he gets to the wedding city back east, he realizes he doesn't know left from right! He had gone to the Atlantic Boardwalk where he fell in love on first sight with Cynthia Woods, the heavy little hippo at Hooters. She reached out for him, and Bam! He woke up, sweating from this horrible nightmare, realizing that Lily, his true love, would be waiting at the altar, minus cake. So he called say I love you.

"You love me? You've got all this guests at the church and you aren't even dressed? I should have listened to my grandmother Bea. She said over and over that you're a stunk. I guess she never got over that video of you and the hookers from your bachelor party!" Dick thought about what he should say. This had never happened in the Hertz family before. He hoped Foxxfyrre had delivered the cake. "Did the cake arrive at least?" Dick asked. His pissed off bride replied, "I don't need no stinkin' cake! I just want to get married to my true love even if he can't tell left from right. It doesn't matter to me if he fell in love with a Hooter girl. It was just a bachelor party fling."

So the forgiving bride waited at altar for Prince Charming and waited and waited. The hour loomed, then rung, then passed. Alas Prince Charming had still not arrived. Was she jilted? Or did something happen? The suspense was killing her.

She felt a lot better once she squished Suspense. Fleas might be fun in a circus but they really don't make great pets. Finally, she thought she heard a footstep, but realized that it was only the sound of the Budweiser Clydesdale on her television.

Then there was a blinding light and her fairy godmother appeared. She waved her magic wand and said, "Here, my dear. I've brought your cake for you, all the way from Upper state Fairyland, otherwise known as Outer Slobovia. I made it with my own precious hands. The elves and fairies worked so hard gathering all of the ingredients. Can you tell what's sprinkled all over the top?" (and it ain't fairy dust, either....)

Then the charming prince arrived and the wedding was beautiful and they lived happily ever after.

The End.

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

Lois of Lowdown From Lois
Sassy Mama Bear of Cafe at the End of the Universe
Vodka Mom of I Need a Martini Mom
Empress Bee (of the High Sea) of Muffin 53
Rhonda of Led Beside Still Waters

Ann of A Nice Place In The Sun
Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r
Ivana of Communiqué by Ivanhoe
Jim of Jim's Little Photo Place
Gracie of Echos of Grace

Mike of Rambling Stuff
Bud of WTIT Tape Radio: The Blog
Henry of Another Day In Paradise
Mimi of Mimi Writes...
Camille of Cupidopolis

Laura of That Grrl
Drilleraa of Brain Freeze
Marilyn of More Random Than Average

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to Empress Bee (of the High Sea)! Thanks Empress Bee for putting an awesome end to this great story.

For those of you that don't know, there really was a wedding this past weekend of Empress Bee and Sarge Charlies beautiful granddaughter. So some of this story was very true especially the ending. Here's the beautiful bride.

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Awww...Mondays #27

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Night on the Town

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two geezers and whispers to her manager: "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told. The two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home, the first man says: "You know, I think my girl was dead."

"Dead?" says his friend. "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friends says, "Could be worse. I think mine was a witch."

"A witch??? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck. And I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her."

Stolen from: Bing of PinkLady
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Colonoscopies

On the subject of Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
  1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
  2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
  3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
  4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
  5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
  6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
  7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
  8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
  9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
  10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
  11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
  12. 'Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!'
  13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Hat tip: Matt of Matt-Speak
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Colonoscopy -Part II

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: Tomorrows post!!!

Author: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Experience (Humour)
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Colonoscopy - Part I

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

Author: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Experience (Humour)
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Question for the Gals

Look closely and see if you can figure out who this is...

Have a look!

still not sure?

Have another look...

Again, look closer.

Still don't know who he is?

Neither do I, but who cares?

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥
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Impotence

An old guy had an appointment to see the urologist. As he approached the reception desk he saw that the woman there was large, unfriendly, and resembled a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

"YES," in a very loud voice, "YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, though, and in an equally loud voice, said: "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun
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Awww...Mondays #26

Hat tip: My SIL Mickey
Awww...Mondays
1. And Miles To Go...
2. jenn in holland
3. jams o donnell
4. Alison
5. Brillig
6. Sue
7. Beaman
8. maiylah
9. burntofferings
10. Digital Flower
11. SandyCarlson
12. Our Happy Happenings
13. patois
14. empress bee (of the high sea)
15. Adventures In Babywearing
16. Isabelle aka Tricotine
17. WFM
18. Cheaper By the Half Dozen
19. Friday's Child
20. Gliding through motherhood
21. Mama Duck
22. letha
23. Tammi
24. Lori
25. eastcoastlife
26. aldon @ orient lodge
27. kat
28. mharia
29. toni
30. CableGirl
31. Tiffany
32. maggie
33. stop the ride
34. Nap Warden		35. julia
36. 100 Acre Wood
37. SargeCharlie
38. Photographic Memories
39. Linda
40. Donna W
41. COMPASSIONATE COUNCIL
42. Deb - Mom of 3 Girls
43. crunchy domestic goddess
44. Idaho Daily Photo
45. Balance My Chaos
46. Tiany
47. Lisa C
48. so lost
49. Erinne
50. Vixen
51. Glennia
52. Ladynred
53. And They Lived Happily Everafter...
54. Gattina
55. Amazing Gracie
56. MissMeliss
57. The Pumkin Patch
58. Marcia
59. Breather
60. zamejias [verb]
61. Sigh
62. Nicole
63. mar
64. Yen
65. toraamusic
66. Autofocused
67. ONwebCHECK
68. Stine		69. Jeremy
70. Rambler
71. mags
72. Sparky Duck
73. Monkey Giggles
74. jacqui
75. Mama Pajama
76. Melanie
77. La Bellina Mammina
78. Crazy Working Mom
79. Diana
80. Get Your Blog On!
81. maryt
82. Linda
83. It's A Blog Eat Blog World
84. Vixen
85. Sandy M
86. melody is slurping life
87. Grams
88. 2boys2teach
89. Pinks & Blues
90. twistedsister
91. confessing7girl
92. The Birds & The Beads
93. Natalie
94. The Splintered Mind
95. RecycleCindy
96. Matthew James Didier
97. Atasha @ Meyerific Madness
98. Trenting
99. Anndi
100. scrappynhappy

Powered by... Mister Linky's Magical Widgets.

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The Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp. Suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another and another... Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.' 'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

Hat tip: Amazing Gracie of Echoes of Grace
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Saturdays Funny

Stolen from: Phils Phun

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Friends

Thibodaux marches up to Beaudreaux's front porch and wraps hard on the door and Beaudreaux opens it.

Thibodaux say, "Beaudreaux, how long we ban frands?"

Beaudreaux say, "Well...all our lives Thibodaux."

Thibodaux say, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?"

Beaudreaux say, "I ant gotta boat!"

Thibodaux say, "Da' sign say; "BOAT FOR SALE"

Beaudreaux say, "Oh no Thibodaux... See that old '72 ford pickem' up truck over dare?"

Thibodaux say, 'Yas, I see dat old pickem' up truck."

Beaudreaux say, "See dat '76 Cheverloet Ce-dan?"

Thibodaux say, "Yas, I see dat Ce-dan."

Beaudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale."

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The Ugly Frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'm lonely too. Buy me and take me home. You won't ever be sorry.'

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her, 'Kiss me and you won't be sorry.'

So! The old lady figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

The prince then returned the old lady's kiss.

Suddenly the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss. Now can you guess what the old lady turned into?

She turned into the first Holiday Inn she could find!

She's old... NOT DEAD!

Hat tip: Clara of Coming Back to Life

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Gennaro's New Shoes

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'

Gennaro gasps, ‘Thanka God...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me
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Balance

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, “and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, pointed to a land area and said, "What's that?"

"That's the State of West Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers, mountains, streams, lakes, forests, and hills. The people from the State of West Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about Balance, God? You said there would be Balance."

God smiled, "There's Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

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Awww...Mondays #25

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Senior Moment

A Preacher was explaining why he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There was a hush within the congregation because no one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw him!!"

Hat tip: My ♥husband♥
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The Salesman

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

Hat tip: Vern B.

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White Lie

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of The cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good.”

Hat tip: Duffy L.
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Afghanistan Flight

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, ect.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.'

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'

When the attendant came by he said, 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit.'

'It's The Box Office.'

Hat tip: Giggles of Happy Tiler
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$200 Million

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

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Seconds...

Rarely do we, without any expectation, just happen upon such a scene seconds before death (Chilling).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTOGRAPH.

This is a picture of a man with just seconds left to live...

Hat tip: Nick M.
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Questions

Shinade (Jackie) of The Painted Veil tagged me with the 37 Questions meme. The idea here is to pick 20 blogging friends, assign them numbers 1 through 20 and then answer the questions. Okay, sounds like fun.

Here's my twenty blogging friends:

1. Empress Bee 2. Sarge Charlie 3. Mike G. 4. Sandy B 5. Barb 6. Amazing Gracie 7. Tisha 8. Lisa 9. Linda 10. Grace 11. Colleen 12. Pam 13. Carol G. 14. Jackie 15. Lynda 16. Arv 17. DrillerAA 18. Speedy 19. Diane 20. Hale McKay

1. How did you meet 7? I met Tisha doing memes if I'm not mistaken. We just hit it off from there. I love how she loves her family so much. An inspiration that young lady is.
2. What would you do if you and 15 had never met? Give her a great big hug. Love you Lynda.
3. What would you do if 20 and 1 dated? Oh no, Sarge won't stand for that for one minute. Okay, Empress Bee wouldn't either. Empress Bee and Sarge Charlie are married.
4. Have you seen 17 cry? No, but I'll bet he does from time to time. I mean that in a good way Driller.
5. Would 4 and 16 make a good couple? I don't think so. Dick wouldn't care for this arrangement at all. Arv is indeed adorable and a very good catch too. He's single ladies!
6. Do you think 11 is attractive? Yes she's very attractive.
7. What is 2's favorite color? Red, white and blue. I know that for a fact.
8. When was the last time you talked to 9? Face to face last May. Blogging probably last Friday before we left for the boat.
9. What language does 8 speak? English.
10. Who is 13 going out with? Her husband. I'm pretty sure of this too.
11. Would you ever date 17? I love him, but we are both in committed relationships to other folks. We also believe in the vows we have made to our mates.
12. Where does 18 live? Hollydale, Minnesota if course. Hi Speedy! Big hug.
13. What is the best thing about 4? She is the nicest person. Always has something nice to say. She also gives great cyber hugs.
14. What would you like to tell 10 right now? Mr. Gaw-juss makes me smile.
15. What is the best thing about 20? He's an excellent writer. I'm currently enjoying his twice a week posting of The Quill and the Quire.
16. Have you ever kissed 2? No, but I'd sure like to meet him and Empress Bee. I could then give both of them a kiss on the cheek.
17. What is the best memory you have of 5? Her saving Whitey. Whitey is a beautiful cat that needed medical attention and a forever home very badly. He got both.
18. When's the next time you're going to see 1? I hope to see her for real one day. Her and Sarge Charlie.
19. How is 7 different from 6? I love them both. Let's see, Tisha is a mom of little ones and Amazing Gracie is a mother and grandmother.
20. Is 2 pretty? No, but he's handsome.
21. What was your 1st impression of 15? Wow, she writes such beautiful love poetry.
22. How did you meet 3? I'm not really sure if it was Entrecard or not, but I think so. Mike has become a very, very good friend.
23. Is 5 your best friend? Well, Barb ranks right up there in the friend category.
24. Do you hate 12? Not at all. Pam is a delightful young lady.
25. Have you seen 18 in the last month? No, but I'd sure like to meet Speedy. Hugs.
26. When was the last time you saw 16? I've not seen Arv for real, but I would love to.
27. Have you been to 5's house? No, but I've seen some pictures.
28. When's the next time you'll see 10? Grace lives in Philly so I'm guessing we'll never meet, but you just never know.
29. Are you close to 11? I think Colleen and I are pretty close. We certainly think alike on lots of things.
30. Have you been to the movies with 4? No, but I'd love to take a movie in with Sandy and Dick.
31. Have you gotten in trouble with 8? No, Lisa is a sweetie. I doubt I'd ever get in trouble with her.
32. Would you give 19 a hug? I'd give Diane a hug in a hot second.
33. When have you lied to 3? I would never lie to Mike. Never.
34. Is 1 good at socializing? Absolutely. She got that Southern Lady charm going on.
35. Do you know a secret about 8? No. She's pretty much an open book and shares her life with her blogging buddies very nicely. I even attended her wedding to Markie. Well sort of.
36. Describe the relationship between 12 and 18? I'm not sure if they visit each other or not. If they don't they should. Speedy meet Pam. Pam meet Speedcat.
37. What's the best thing about your friendship with 9? I've actually met Linda. She's a delightful young woman. Yes Linda you are younger than I am so you are a delightful young woman.

Thanks Jackie. That was indeed fun. I tag my 20 blogging friends that helped me answer all these questions, but only if you want to play along.
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Awww...Mondays #24

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The Ministers Pay

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
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Little Boys...

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
  1. For those who have grown children, this is hysterical!
  2. For those who have children past this age, this is hilarious.
  3. For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
  4. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
  5. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
  • A king-size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • A 3-year-boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan,the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
  • You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
  • When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  • The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  • A six-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says they can do it only in the movies.
  • Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old boy.
  • Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
  • Super glue is forever.
  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  • VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  • You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like hot ovens.
  • The fire department in Austin , TX , has a 5-minute response time.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids. 80% of men who read this will try mixing Clorox and brake fluid.
    Hat tip: Wilben of Sayings, Quotes and Adages

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