Sex and Love

At the retreat, Sam and Samantha were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love'.

Samantha wrote, 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'

And Sam wrote, 'I love sex.'

Stolen from: Phils Phun

Female Logic

A woman is having lunch with a few of her friends one Sunday when she announces she has discovered a way to keep her husband from staying out late at night.

'Last night when I heard the front door open and my husband enter, I yelled down, 'Joe, is that you?'

Her one friend turns to her and asks, 'How is that going to stop him from staying out late?'

She replied, 'My husband's name is Charles.'

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

Marital Bliss

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust cloud' appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Six Unimportant Happies

Mike of Rambling Stuff tagged me with the Six Unimportant Things That Make Me Happy. Thanks Mike this one was fun to do.

Here are the rules:

• Name and link to the person who tagged you
• List six things that are unimportant but that make you happy
• Tag six people to do the same.
  

Here's Mike's tags:

Cliff of Wixy Gone Bananas.
Sandee of Comedy Plus.
Dick of Dickster's Ramdon Thoughts.
Ivanhoe of Ohio with love.
Sara of News From NOLA.
Speedcat of Speedcat Hollydale.

My six unimportant things that make me happy are:

1. Boating - I can hardly wait to get to the marina, load the boat and then go someplace wonderful for the weekend.
   
2. Blogging - I think of blogging when I wake up each morning. I love visiting my friends (you know who you are) and seeing what you are up to.
   
3. Spring flowers - Spring is my favorite time of year. The warmth of the sun and all the wonderful buds just give me a thrill.
   
4. Reading a good book - What better way to spend a lazy afternoon.
5. Showing my dog affection - They are with us for such a short time that's it's important that they know they are loved. Our dog is spoiled rotten. Good for us.
6. Traveling with my blogging buddies - There are a few of you (you also know who you are) that travel all the time. Some cruise, some go by their trella's and some fly here and there. I love to go along and I appreciate all of you letting me.

Now to tag six folks. Well, I'm not going to do that. If you want to play along let me know and I'll add your link here.

Three Virgin Daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House".

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.

The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways....

Mom fainted.

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Luigi's Honeymoon

Back in the glorious days of luxury train travel, Luigi and his new bride, Virginia, honeymooned in Florida by train. Upon his return, Luigi stopped by the Italian-American Club in his old neighborhood and all his friends wanted to hear the details about his trip.

Luigi said, “Ever’thing was’a perfect except for da train ride’a down. That train has’a too many rules!”

“What’a you mean, Luigi?” asked a friend.

“Well, it’sa like ‘dis. We board’a da train atta Grand Central Station. My beautiful’a Virginia had packed a big’a basket a food an’ vino an’ cigars for da trip. Ever’thing was okay until we got’a hungry and I opened up’a Virginia’s lunch’a basket. The conductor come by, wagged his’a finger at us and’a say, ‘No eat in dese’a car. Must’a use’a dining car.’

So, me and my Virginia we go to da dining car, eat our big’a lunch and open’a our bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his’a finger and say, ‘No drink’a in dese’a car. Must’a use’a club’a car.’

So we go to club’a car. While we drink da vino, I light’a my big’a cigar. An’ don’cha know that same conductor came by again, waggin’ his a’finger and say, ‘No smoke’a in dese’a car. Must’a go to smoker car.’

So we go to da smoker car and I smoke’a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car and’a we go to bed. And we were just about to have’a sex when that conductor come’a through yelling, ‘No’folk’a, Virginia!’”

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Texas...

A big Texan took a job out of state. The company required him to have a physical before starting work. The Texan was in the waiting room when a beautiful woman called him in. The woman asked him to remove his clothes and put on a gown. The Texan complied, when he took off his shirt the woman exclaimed…

“My, you sure have big shoulders.”

The Texan replied, “Ma'am, I’m from Texas, everything in Texas is big.” When the Texan removed his pants, the woman exclaimed.

“My you sure have big legs.”

The Texan replied, “Ma'am, I’m from Texas, everything in Texas is big.”

When the Texan removed his underwear, the woman was flabbergasted, and decided to sample his manhood.

As she was bent over the table the Texan asked, “Ma’am, what part of Texas did you say you were from?”

Unemployment Pay

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they go to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gives him $300, a week's unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation.

"Diesel fitter," he replies.

Since diesel fitter is a skilled job the clerk gives the second guy $600 a week.

When the first guy finds out he's furious. He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. The clerk explains: "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yells the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on and he pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "

Practice Makes Perfect

A young woman ran to her mother and said ecstatically, "Tim passed his bar exam, so we're going to get married next spring."

"Gee, honey," her mother replied, "he'll be real busy. Don't you think you two should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?"

"Oh, Mom," the daughter said, blushing, "we've been practicing."

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Kid Speak - Part 2

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always sang: "Glory be to the Faaather, and to the Sonnn, and into the hole he goes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Hat tip: Jackie (Shinade) of The Painted Veil

Kid Speak - Part 1

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE #1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What did he do?"

Hat tip: Jackie (Shinade) of The Painted Veil

The Storm

They were together in the house. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on. They knew it was wrong. Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors, just the faint click of a camera...

Hat tip: Duffy

The Retarded Meme

Katherine of Wading Through my Stream of Consciousness tagged me with the Retarded Meme. Thanks K.

I use this term often. I call myself a retard, because sometimes I am. I call others a retard, because sometimes they are. Let's face it...sometimes all of us are a retard. Politically correct term? No, but that hasn't stopped me. If the shoe fits, then wear the darned thing. So here goes!

The rules are:

1. You must write a post using the word retarded. I don't care what it's about -- Joe Biden, teenage boys wearing girls' pants, whatever.
2. The word retarded must be a link to this post.
3. You are encouraged to tag five other bloggers to do the same.

Child's Perspective on Retarded

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

"They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you want to play along I'll add you here.

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St. Peter

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven.

St. Peter is there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: They each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?”

The teacher thinks for a second, and then replies: “That would have been the Titanic, right?”.

St. Peter lets him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and figuring that Heaven doesn’t REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

The garbage man guesses: “1228″, to which St. Peter says, “That happens to be right. Go ahead.”

St. Peter then turns to the Lawyer: “Name them.”

Golf or Sex

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay,” and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

What Want?

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blond. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man… only think one thing.”

The second day, the chief says, “What wish today?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man going die tomorrow … can only think one thing.”

The last day comes, and the chief says, “This last wish, white man. What want?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!

Rules Of Washington

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

The truth is a variable.

A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

A promise is not a guarantee.

If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

The Mechanic's Helpers

Against his better judgment, the auto garage hired three blondes when he was in need of a couple of mechanic's helpers. Taking great pains to be specific, he explained to the three that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo.

"Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked.

"Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply.

Exasperated, he said, "That's why I gave you two."

"Well duh, we tried the other one!" one blond said. "It wouldn't reach neither."

Stolen from Phil of Phils Phun

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Why We Like Old People

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!'

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

From Bad to Worse

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her darned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a gun pissed out the window right onto my head!"

"Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!"

"Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

"That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

Kawasaki

A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute. Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out “Kawasaki!”

Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.

Again she screamed, “Kawasaki! Kawasaki!” And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued. Finally, she shrieked “KAWASAKI!” a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room.

“Must have been too good for her!” he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one!

Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out "Kawasaki!”

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

Stolen from: Phil's Phun

New Pfizer Drugs

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...

DIRECTRA -- a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA -- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA -- Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA -- In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA -- Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA -- Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA -- This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA -- This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA -- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA -- About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA -- This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Stolen from Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

The Cross-Dresser

The Story Game Conclusion!

It was spring again and the same old issue was rearing its ugly head. Why couldn't he just come to terms with the fact that she had been acquitted? Things happen for a reason. They could be together now. He had to trust her. He had to move forward and start this new journey his own way. Maybe the past year in the mental institution had "fixed" her. Maybe she no longer wanted to steal every pair of shoes in the greater Rodeo Drive area. Maybe she didn't think she was Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman anymore. Maybe it was him that needed institutionalizing. After all, she was stealing all of those shoes to feed his cross-dressing habit. Then again, maybe not.

He was really not a cross dresser, she saw him changing and surprise, he is a girl, and not just any girl. For he, or rather she, was actually eating all the cake she could gouge down her gullet. but funny thing, she always wanted to tell him that she (he) liked women better than men or was it men better than women - maybe that is why she had been institutionalized - but was she crazy or was she just seeking attention, or was she just... denying the fact that she had been hiding her true identity by donning woman's clothing. Would she ever be able to tell him/her that she had no interest in continuing their relationship. Instead, it was her desire to use "her" previous life as a man to become the tattooed bearded lady in the freak show, and travel the world!

A world that had so far and not so very long ago, left men wearing tights and powdered wigs. And they did this without the urge to follow a legal profession. This didn't upset her though, for she had a deep ancestral calling and needed to follow the old ways. So she went through her ancestral vault finding all the necessities of life. She grabbed the powdered wig, the thighs, the codpiece. She looked at the colorful codpiece and thought, "What sins will this be hiding." She then donned the apparel and went off into the crisp air of change and the prickling wind of an old man's fart.

Old men. Yes, old men was her calling card and a name change was in order so that past indiscretions and future excitements would not be swept away by calling cards gone astray (like into the hands of a twisted justice system). And all was going well, until that moment in the airport when she boarded the plane with Joan and Melissa Rivers. Melissa had just been fired from the Celebrity Apprentice and Joan had walked off the set as a result. Both women were still steaming mad. Just when our hero/heroine didn't think it could get any worse, Donald Trump himself stepped into the cabin and announced, "My place could do with a dose of insanity. I rely mainly on the cats rubbing up against the furniture to keep things dust free. It's amazing how many household chores they get done with only a strategic pinch of catnip here and there."

She quickly headed to the bathroom feeling rather ill as she suddenly realized the source of Donald's hair. She/he was disgusted to see that the source of Donald's hair was like a sporous algae, which fed off itself, and as it did, it spread forward, ever covering the scalp, as it fed off itself, that he could never go bald. She/he felt as if she/he were high, or something, as she/he wasn't really paying attention to it, but, suddenly noticed that it was moving... It was totally freaking her/him out!!!

She/he went into the bathroom, trying to make sense of everything which had occurred as of late, and suddenly missing the wrestler, even though she/he knew that it was not going to work out. She/he was just sitting in the bathroom, trying to shake free of the past hours, feeling lonely, alone, disgusted, disturbed, and ill, when the door flew open; standing there was Donald's bleached butt hole hair. As she made a dash to the porcelain throne she remembered that although Donald's hair made everyone sick, that the reason everyone really hated it was probably because it was pubic hair. What was he thinking? Just because you are extremely wealthy doesn't mean you can do anything you want. Or does it? With Donald we will never know.

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

who wouda thunk it?? of Another Day In Paradise
Rhonda of Led Beside Still Waters
Ana of Hella Heaven
Barb of WillThink4Wine
DrillerAA of Brain Freeze

Sarge Charlie of Sarge Charlie
Da Old Man of Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars
Don of Beyond Left Field
Empress Bee (of the High Sea) of Muffin53
Hillbilly Willy of Hillbilly Willy -Fun, Food & Politics

Mike Golch of Rambling Stuff
Pam of Finding Pam
Carol G of A Letter To Me
Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r
Megan of Imaginif

Sandy B of Traveling Bells
Best Online Stock Broker of Best Online Stock Broker
Beth of Drastic Measures
Lynda of The Loft of Love, By Lynda
Roger of Idaho Photo

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to The Cross-Dresser. You are all awesome!

Cancun

Last night three bloggers got together for some conversation, laughs and some excellent Mexican food. Linda of Are We There Yet?? and Katherine of Wading Through My Stream of Consciousness... decided to meet again this year. Some of you may remember our first meeting last year. Well, Linda was attending a conference in Las Vegas and since it's so close to Stockton she thought she'd visit again. I know Katherine and I are very happy that she did. Katherine and Linda had some fun in Santa Cruz (read about that HERE) before heading back to Stockton for dinner.

We decided to meet at seven for dinner and thought perhaps a nice glass of wine would be in order first, so we sat at the bar and started our almost nonstop four-hour conversation. We talked about what each other has been up to and discussed many different bloggers we come into contact with every week. Pretty soon the wine was gone and we were ready for dinner.

We knew Linda would have the same thing she always has, and she shocked us by having something different. It looked really good too. Okay, all of our food looked really good and more importantly is was excellent. I don't think any of us ladies stopped talking for two seconds while we ate dinner either. It was even more fun than last year and that was one of the greatest evenings ever.
My poor husband was outnumbered. The Teamster (Katherine's other half) is off celebrating his 50th on a motorcycle trip, so he wasn't with us last night. I don't think hubby said 10 words all night, but he had a good time though. He also was responsible for taking pictures. He's such a good sport. Thank you honey!

Finally we realized that the restaurant was empty, except for us, and decided we had better leave. We still ended up standing outside talking some more. I do want Empress Bee to know that Linda did in fact give me that hug you ordered. Thanks a million honey, you have no idea how touched I was over that request.

Linda is talking about coming back in the fall (during our Indian summer) and us getting together for more adventures. I'd like that a lot. I really enjoyed the evening and I truly love Linda and Katherine to pieces. If you haven't met some bloggers in person you should really make the effort. It's indeed very rewarding.

Awww...Mondays #15

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The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. I just want you to have something entertaining to do if you swing by for a visit this weekend while I'm off boating. So play nice. Okay?

Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. Next week I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want and the game will run all weekend. Thanks for playing along.

Here's the beginning of our new story: It was spring again and the same old issue was rearing its ugly head. Why couldn't he just...

It's Hell to be Old!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, *Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'*

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

'The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

The Big Bang

*Start Copy Here*

You do not have to be tagged to play along. This game is simple and so are the rules.

1. Copy from *Start Copy Here* through *End Copy Here*
2. Add your site(s) to the list. Just be sure to post the "Big Bang" at each site you add.
3. Tag or don’t tag, your choice, however, the more tags you create the longer the list will grow.
4. Let me know your blog’s name and url by leaving me a comment HERE. I will add you to the master list. (If you would like the instructions for the scroll box code, leave me your email address and I will email it to you. The scroll box is totally cusomizeable.)
5. Come back and copy the master list back to your site, often. This process will allow late-comers to get as much link benefit as the first ones in. Once you are on the master list people who have participated earlier will update their bookmarks and help everyone lower than them out on the list.
   

1-Attitude, the Ultimate Power 2-Juliana's Site 3-Rusin Roundup 4-Grow Rich Along With Me 5-Comedy Plus 6-lynda's loft 7-Amel's Realm 8-MAX 9-Speedcat Hollydale 10-Mariuca 11-Complain Complain Complain 12-Mariuca's Perfume Gallery 13-Life Is A Roller Coaster 14-Sugar Queen's Dream 15-First Time Dad 16-Life 17-My Life 18-The Painted Veil 19-My Thoughts 20-DatCurious.com 21-Little Aussie Cynic 22-A Nice Place in the Sun 23-DatMoney.com 24-The Down Side OF Up 25-Ladyjava's Lounge 26-Cat Tales 27-moms.....check nyo 28-Colorado Baby 29-It's a Woman's World 30-ENLIGHTENED BITS 31-My View of "It" 32-My Reviews and Finds Along the Way 33-Our Hep Chat 34-Rantings of a Woman 35-The Callalily Space 36-Mom Knows Everything 37-Hazel 38-Chronicles and Tales Unlimited (RED) 39-From the Mouth of Jabber Jaws 40-Sunny Side Up Foodie & Lifestyle 41-Carmel Corn 42-Daily Stock Picks 43-The Whole New World 44-Wifespeak 45-Slavery Bliss 46-Rooms of My Heart 47-Unpredictable Life 48-My Life, My World 49-At Your Service 50-All About Ebay 51-Everything Amazon 52-Dork Muffin 53-My So-Called Site 54-New Wife Blog 55-Tendre Poison 323 56-Nick's Bytes 57-My Scratch Pad 58-Choc Mint Girl 59-Life Is Just Around the Corner... 60-Frog's Blog 61-Maryannaville 62-monaco - monaco's 63-Nyumix's Blog 64-read my mind - my keyboard monologues 65-Shower You Children With Love - The Right Way 66-Secret Agent Mama 67-Pinaymama's Diary 68-Answers to the Questions 69-Work of the Poet 70-A Total Blog 71-My life, my hope, my future 72-NORTE 73-A Window to Our World 74-Life as a Mom 75-FIELD OF DREAMS 76-lisgold 77-See Me for What You 78-Caught in The Stream 79-Pinay Mommy Online - My Home 80-foster me up 81-CRUEL VIRGIN 82-Garden of Moments in Blog 83-So Cute 84-Love Everlasting 85-WeLcOmE To My CriB 86-WELCOM TO PINAYSMILE'S JOURNEY 87-Ice's Icelog 88-Jenny's Wandering Thoughts 89-Hobbies and Such 90-Sweet Paradise 91-Mommy's Gibble Gabbles 92-Rusin Recipe Roundup 93-My Small World 94-Little Peanut 95-Online Ramblings 96-My Mood My Feeling 97-BLOG it with ALLEN 98-Entertainment World 99-Let's Go Singapore 100-Firelynx 101-Catsy Carpe Diem 102-Every Beat Of My Heart 103-Always Da Fresh Princess 104-Listening.. Learning..Living 105-All About Mars 106-Syii From Afar 107-Some Thoughts I Have 108-From Here and Beyond 109-My Paid To Blog 110-Scholarship Corner 111-Cell Phone Review 112-"Apples of the Eyes" 113-It's All About Play 114-The Luttrull Journey 115-RennyBA's Terella 116-Unchained Melody 117-Out of the Blue 118-The Lure Of the Unknown 119-Maricel's 120-my blog 121-Spiff, the Spaceman 122-Living Well 123-The Dog Log 124-Catnip Corner 125-A Piece of Idea 126-Observations From the Back 40 127-Poetry by The Redneck Gypsy 128-Odd Facts 129-Juliana's Lair 130-My life is murphy's law 131-lisgoldsmemoirs 132-My memories, as time goes by 133-Somewhere over the rainbow 134-Blogging by Sandee 135-Our Journey to this so called life 136-Idaho Daily Photo 137-Memories that Never Fades.. 138-Anything goes 139-Your Caring Angels 140-Little Paces 141-Laketrees 142-PoeARTica 143-fracas 144-Just FraCas 145-Archies Archive 146-Growing Up Together 147-A Woman's Diary 148-Mother's Got A Dot Com 149-Close To You 150-Hot Shit Form Here 151-Astro Galaxy 152-Detector 153-Beauty is in the eye of the beholder 154-My Life is Peachy 155-The Down Side of Up 156-Magical Milestones 157-In Search of Life 158-RebelationsdotNet 159-Jen Jen's Place 160-Mimi Writes... 161-Strange but true 162-Depois de minha viagem 163-Your Perfect Wedding: 164-Make Money Online 165-Primitive Ornies and Bowl Fillers 166-Vegetarian Diet Lifestyle 167-Looking Out For You 168-BENOLSATUEM 169-OtherSide 170-Hacko's Site 171-where was I 172-Making Money Resources 173-text's Site 174-Movie Corner 175-Rahasia Bisnis Internet 176-Online Dating Tips 177-Beauty Kissing Tips 178-Forex Trading Tips 179-Singapore Tour Guide 180-PPC vs PTR 181-Indonesian Film 182-Adsense Success Stories 2008 183-Bali Tour 184-Paypal Indonesia 185-Review Bisnis Internet 186-Blog Daniel Scardua 187-Much of a muchness 188-Gagiers Amazing World 189-Clumsy Mommy 190-Leaotheblogger 191-PBDesigns Reading and Crochet Blog 192-Gagiers Striking Zone 193-DrowseyMonkey 194-Yesterday Today n Tomorrow 195-Auntie Dar's Life 196-Sky Windows... 197-Filippino Life Abroad 198-Leao the Blogger 199-Zoop's Rantings on Life 200-My Journey 201-A Sweet Taste of Life 202-This is a Miracle 203-Lavanderia Virtual 204-Nancies's Web - Family Life 205-Dating Profile of the Day 206-my wooden robot 207-Juliana's World 208-urban : trendy : lifestyle 209-Lucel Juliana's Library 210-Cooking Momster - My Life Journal 211-Anggie & Jeremy boy Online Journal 212-'Doc Doc Doc' 213-Transforming My Life 214-Gratitude Journal 215-Simplydunn.net 216-emila's illustrated blog 217-AZZY'S BLOG-A-ROONIE! 218-MAMABLISS' TREASURED MOMENTS 219-The Sky's the Limit 220-PROJECT HEAVY TRAFFIC 221-just another ordinary story.. 222-Samuel Rolo 223-The end mission! 224-R S S Submissions 225-Laice's Pics 226-Health and Fitness 227-Brainybimbo 228-Journey with WaterLearner 229-Zoop's Rantings on Life (at Blogspot) 230-Dear Me (Ivan) 231-Tour the Tabon Caves 232-Book Calendar 233-Love me. 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My Precious ... 367-MY VIEWS ON MY SO CALLED LIFE 368-A Reality Bite 369-Cobb Community 370-Angelea's Blog 371-Janeth Vicy's Life Journey 372-NinaRepublic 373-Peaceful Mind 374-ME, MYSELF + 2 375-Mommy Jane and Little Sophia's Fasion misADVENTURES 376-ONKNEES - ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK..... 377-SHEENISM 378-SAILIN' THRU LIFE (ASecretPlace) 379-Project Management Tutorial 380-Labindalawang Piraso ng Kokomban 381-Gorgeous Traveller 382-Sharing Gifts and Ideas 383-MUMBLINGS 384-Because Life Is Fun 385-PsychPatient MD 386-Everything Is Free 387-BRAINY MOMMY 388-Simply Unique 389-precious moments 390-Pearly Scripts 391-LIGHTNING AND THUNDER 392-Rayani Friends 393-WORK CULTURE 394-Psychology 395-Gold News 396-Applied Psychology 397-Scientific Psychology 398-Backwoods Drifter 399-New Beginning 400-Life in General 401-Life Is Like That (That's Life) 402-Life With Roxxymetal 403-SEXY MOMMA 404-The Z Files 405-I'll Never Forget the Day I Read a Book! 406-DOODLE PAGE 407-Escape Hatch 408-The Official Afterslaughter Weblog 409-Mommy's Little Corner 410-MALTED MONKEY 411-MOM AND THE CITY 412-Life with the Two Crazy Dogs 413-the joys (and pains) of being a woman (My Untamed World) 414-Making Cents-Sense of Technology 415-USER GAME REVIEWS 416-Write Shy 417-DOMANTYS.net 418-ZWANG 419-ANYTHING GOES! 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