Dementia Test


It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany). Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail.

The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land?

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

When you've answered all the question click the 'read more' button for the answers.

#1 Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

#2 Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

#3 Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

#4 Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥
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Banking Explained

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then, give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK then, bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with
that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars.'

Chuck now works for Citibank.

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

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1955!

Comments made in the year 1955! That's only 54 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.'

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

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Awww...Mondays #14

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Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I dialed what I thought was Robyn’s number.

A man answered, saying, “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Chris. May I please speak with Robyn?”

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, “There’s no Robyn here. Get the right flipping number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an ass!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘ass’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an ass!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic “ass calling” would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an ass!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW ass, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is,” he said.

“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.

“Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., in Ventura. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Don Hansen,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you’re an ass!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two asses to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Ass #1. “Hello.” “You’re an ass!” But I didn’t hang up.

“Are you still there?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said.

“Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared,” and hung up.

Then I called Ass #2. “Hello?” he said.

“Hello, ass!” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”

“You’ll what?” I said.

“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, ass, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd., Ventura.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch the two asses beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger Management really works!
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Babes Part II

Kids are asked questions about marriage...and, OH! how they answered!!

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
  • "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
When is it OK to kiss someone?
  • "When they're rich." Pam, age 7
  • "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
  • "The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do". Howard, age 8
Is it better to be single or married?
  • "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8
  • "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
  • "Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper changing." Kirsten, age 10
How would the world be different if people didn't get married?
  • "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
  • "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
How would you make a marriage work?
  • "If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8
  • "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
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Babes Part I

Kids are asked questions about marriage...and, OH! how they answered!!

How do you decide who to marry?
  • "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
  • "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

What is the right age to get married?
  • "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
  • "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
  • "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
  • "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?
  • "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
What do most people do on a date?
  • "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
  • "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
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The Trial

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 76 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to touch my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I certainly did not!

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him Take me, young man. Take me now!

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

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Red or Blue?

I was driving from Iowa City to Cedar Rapids the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blond. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

"Democrat!" I shouted..

"Hop in!" replied the blond.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun
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Divorce vs. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Hat tip: Matt of Matt-Speak

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New Golf Lingo

Some new lingo to use when you're out on the course...

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'OJ.'- got away with one.
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.
A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.

Stolen from Phil of Phils Phun

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Awww...Mondays #13

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Creative Photography

We spent a week working on our island in the California Delta. I whined until hubby took a bunch of pictures. Here's one of my favorites because it just screams spring.

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Head over to Creative Photography to find out how.

Creative Photography Participants
1. Sandy B and Dick
2. Sarge Charlie
3. Empress Bee (of the High Sea)
4. katherine
5. Finding Pam
6. Linda
7. K		8. AngelBaby
9. DrillerAA
10. CrAzY Working Mom
11. Don
12. Roger
13. Desert Songbird
14. Ana		15. Thomas Karkalas
16. Health Medical Insurance
17. Arv
18. Kimmie
19. Speedcat Hollydale
20. Lynda

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The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We're making our first cruise of the season and participating in Safety Day. Boat inspections is what it amounts to. Well, there is lots of food and a small amount of alcohol too. Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Beer or wine?

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Nursing Home Sex...

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

Hat tip: Matt of Matt-Speak

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Pampered Chef Party

You are invited to a special Pampered Chef party!

WHERE: MY HOUSE or order online!

TIME: 7pm

Date: Tonight

I know how busy you all are and that you probably hate being invited to any home parties, but I assure you this is no ordinary home party. And to be honest, I haven't had a party like this in ages, and I need to update my kitchen gadgets.

Pampered Chef has come out with new consultants and products that are fabulous.

I have sent some samples of the new home party products...


Click on photographs to bigify.

Can you come?

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

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Free Vacation

A new travel agency in town was running a competition to draw in more customers. The prize for the one hundredth customer to walk in the store was a round trip for two to Hawaii.

The travel agent, knowing they had been sitting on 99 visitors for a couple of days, noticed an old man and an old woman peering wistfully through the travel agency window at a poster of Hawaii on the wall.

Knowing that if they walked in they would be the winners, he beckoned them in. They came in but with reluctance as they were pensioners and had no money for a vacation.

"Yes?" said the elderly lady.

A big grin burst out on the agent's face as he said, "Congratulations! You have just won an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii!"

Well, you should have seen the look of amazement on their faces. He presented them with the tickets and they left, practically walking on air.

A couple of months later he saw the little old lady as he was on his way home after work. "How was Hawaii?" he asked her.

"Oh, it was lovely. The weather was beautiful, the food sumptuous and the beach was just perfect. But tell me, who was that old codger I had to share a room with?"

Stolen from Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me
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Awww...Mondays #12

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Creative Photography

This photograph is the entrance to Willow Berm Marina. That's where we keep our two boats. This is July and the weather is hot and everyone is enjoying being out on the water. The California Delta is indeed a great place to play.

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Creative Photography Participants
1. WillThink4Wine
2. Ana
3. star8278
4. Mike Golch		5. Finding Pam
6. AngelBaby
7. RennyBA
8. Speedcat Hollydale		9. Vodka Mom
10. Desert Songbird
11. BillyWarhol
12. Lynda

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