Weighing the Baby

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

Awww...Mondays #11

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. gpartha 2. WillThink4Wine 3. Diane @ Good Mourning, Glory! 4. Wouldn\'t You Like To See Something Strange? 5. Grace 6. twistedsister 7. Hillbilly Willy 8. Suzanne Erickson 9. SPEEDCAT BABY PHOTO ! 10. Mike Golch 11. Joanne

12. anthonynorth 13. Vodka Mom 14. DrillerAA 15. K 16. a pot, a thought & a smidgen of dirt 17. Ana 18. Sherry 19. Sarge Charlie 20. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 21. Lois Grebowski 22. Arv

23. John 24. Shinade 25. Teletext Cheap Flights 26. Mimi Lenox 27. Ivanhoe 28. Skywind 29. Tim 30. Kimmie 31. Buddy Jolly

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Creative Photography

Click on photograph to bigify.
Thanks Roger for making it so easy to participate.
Want to play too?
Check out the rules for participation
at Creative Photography.
Creative Photography Participants

1. DrillerAA 2. Diane 3. Ana 4. Sarge Charlie 5. Dawn (Twisted Sister) 6. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 7. Finding Pam

8. Will Think4Wine 9. Mike Golch 10. Mimi Lenox 11. Lynda 12. Shinade 13. Skywind 14. Roger

15. gpartha 16. Lisa C 17. Pink Lady 18. Amazing Gracie 19. Arv 20. Speedcat Hollydale 21. Ken Fink

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Who Shot the Beaver?

A 90-year old man goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 90-year old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and begins, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, 'Bang, bang' and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied..."My point exactly."

Such Wonderful Folks!

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.

Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!"

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.

And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Blondes Are Dumb!

A couple of sharp businessmen in New York were discussing women and one of them, Sheldon, remarked about how dumb blonds are.

His friend, David, disagreed, so they devised a test to see if blonds were really as dumb as everyone thinks.

They went to an antique shop with a pretty blond salesperson and proceeded to browse at tea sets. After awhile, they said to the blond, “We’ve been looking and looking, but we can’t find any left-handed tea sets. Can you help us?”

Being quite well-dressed and well-groomed, she sizes them up as having money, so she asks them to wait a moment as she thinks she may have something in the back store room.

Sheldon almost breaks out laughing as he imagines this poor girl searching through everything for a left-handed tea set.

The blond goes in the back, immediately finds their most expensive sterling silver tea set, turns all the handles around to the left side, remarks the set to double its original price and brings it out. Smiling, she says, “There you are gentlemen, a left handed tea set!”

The men are somewhat taken a back but under the circumstances they are forced to pay the exorbitant price and leave with the tea set. As they’re walking down 5th Avenue with their purchase, David, laughing, says to Sheldon, “See, I told you they’re not so dumb!”

“What does that prove?" says Sheldon, “She just happened to have one!”

Stolen from Phils Phun

Awww...Mondays #10

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. Fiona 2. twistedsister 3. DrillerAA 4. Grace 5. Roger 6. Colleen 7. SpeedyCat HollyCat 0007 8. Ana 9. WillThink4Wine 10. A pot, a thought and a smidgen of dirt 11. Anthony North

12. Sarge Charlie 13. K 14. Callie Ann 15. Lifecruiser 16. Gene Bach 17. Babs (Beetle) 18. Lois Grebowski 19. Linda 20. Mike Golch 21. Arv 22. On The Verge

23. Diane 24. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 25. Maddy 26. Furkidsmom 27. Kimmie 28. Lynda 29. Storyteller 30. Skywind 31. Sandy B and Dick 32. Desert Songbird

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Creative Photography Meme

I've always wanted to participate in Rogers Creative Photography, but I don't take pictures. My husband is the photographer in this family. Well, Roger has changed the rules so I'm going to play each week. I'm so happy that I can finally participate. This is now a simple meme to do, so come on and join in. Here's what Roger said about the change in the rules:

Quite a few people have told me in comments at Idaho Photo or emails that they would love to participate in the weekly Creative Photography meme, but don't take photos themselves and have photos that family or friends have taken and would like to share them. Well time for them to put there money were there mouth is because we are going NO RULES here at Creative Photography.

Also I would like to add that CP IS NOT A CONTEST ANYMORE! CP is a photo sharing meme. So go nuts! Have a great time doing a CP post! I just ask that you mention Creative Photography in the post and or leave a link to Creative Photography, there are some great badge codes to do just that at this link CP Badges.

There is nothing quite like a boat. Any boat!
Click on photograph to bigify.
Creative Photography Participants

1. Roger 2. storyteller 3. DrillerAA 4. Napaboaniya APAD 5. Lisa Ceaser (star8278)

6. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 7. Dawn (Twisted Sister) 8. Ana 9. Stine 10. Grace

11. Linda 12. Speedcat Hollydale 13. Arv 14. Ivanhoe 15. Lynda

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The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. I'm at the boat relaxing and enjoying my weekend. Now play nice okay, and have a terrific weekend.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Sweet pickles or Dill pickles?

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

The Middle Wife

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

The Picture Meme

I was tagged by Clara of Coming Back to Life! with the Picture meme. It really looks like a lot of fun so I'm going to play along. The idea is to search for images that answer the questions and then post them with the questions on your site. Here goes.

1. Age at my next birthday

2. Place to which I’d like to travel

3. Favorite food

4. Favorite place

5. My nickname

6. Favorite color

7. College major

8. Name of my love

9. Hobby

10. Bad habit

I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you want to play along please do so. It was lots of fun to do. Thanks Clara.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Hat tip: Shelly of This Eclectic Life

Awww...Mondays #9

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. DrillerAA 2. Ground Hog 3. Colleen 4. Kimmie 5. Grace 6. Jim 7. Leet 8. The Success 9. Suzanne Erickson 10. twistedsister 11. Hapi 12. Karen 13. Mr Find

14. E Cards 15. Arv 16. Skywind 17. anthonynorth 18. Skunkfeathers 19. K 20. Callie Ann 21. Ana 22. Shinade 23. Mimi Lenox 24. Desert Songbird 25. Mike Golch 26. Periwinkle Studio

27. Lois Grebowski 28. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 29. Jack K. 30. Felipe 31. Linda 32. Keyword 33. WllThink4Wine 34. Speedcat Hollydale 35. Diane @ Good Mourning, Glory! 36. gpartha 37. a pot, a thought and a smidgen of dirt

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History Lesson

Back in 1929 Financial Crash it was said that some Wall Street Stockbrokers and Bankers JUMPED from their office windows and committed suicide when confronted with the news of their firms and clients financial ruin ... many people were said to almost feel a little sorry for them.

In 2008 the attitude has changed somewhat: (Language Alert)

Hat tip: Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

St. Patrick's Day - Yacht Club Style

Tonight our yacht club has our St. Patrick's Day dinner and meeting. Since I'm the rear commodore that means that I have lots of work to do. I'm responsible for all drive-in functions this year. We are having tonight's event at our home base The Point Waterfront Restaurant in Rio Vista, California.

I started working on this function last September. It is my responsibility to find suitable places for our club to go for out meetings during the winter months. In January we went to Spindrift Restaurant and in February we went to the Bridge Marina Yacht Club. After tonight I won't have any more functions to do until November. During the summer months this year I will be responsible for putting together all our cruise-outs for next year. Our vice commodore takes over from April through September.

For those of you that have put together functions you know all the work involved. Finding a place, setting the menu, setting the price, making flyers, mailing the flyer to each member with the information and cost of the event and a deadline in responding. Then you work with the restaurant or yacht club until a final count is done. Now the work begins.

I'm also responsible for the purchasing and toting of the wine that is given to members that have a birthday or anniversary the month of the event. I'm also responsible for the raffle and that means I purchase the raffle gifts, as well as all the equipment needed to do a raffle and then set up the raffle prior to everyone else showing up. When I get all done with that I start selling tickets for the raffle. I always have a few volunteers to help and that is appreciated.

I'm also responsible for the accounting of the event to make sure that my event is paying it's way with no negative impact to the club coffers. I also am responsible for working up the commodores worksheet. This is a list of all the members present, current officers, VIPs, past commodores, directors, charter members, birthdays and anniversaries. Bottom line, it's my job to make everyone happy. I love it.

Here are a few pictures of the place we will be having our event. It's called the Garden Room and it has a view of the Sacramento River. It just doesn't get any better than that. Cocktails are at six and dinner is at seven. We are having the traditional St. Patrick's Day dinner of corned beef and cabbage. Yummy.



Click on any photograph to bigify.
Have a great weekend everyone.

The Economy

Stolen from: Phils Phun

The Old Indian and the Banker

The old Indian wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Make jewelery and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

Stolen from: Phils Phun

The Rainbow Bridge

There is a bridge connecting heaven and earth. It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of its many colors. Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge there is a land of meadows, hills and valleys with lush green grass. When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place. There is always food and water and warm spring weather. The old and frail animals are young again. Those who are maimed are made whole again. They play all day with each other. There is only one thing missing. They are not with their special person who loved them on earth.

So, each day they run and play until the day comes when one suddenly stops playing and looks up! The nose twitches! The ears are up! The eyes are staring! And this one suddenly runs from the group. You have been seen, and when you and your special friend meet, you take him or her in your arms and embrace. Your face is kissed again and again and again, and you look once more into the eyes of your trusting pet. Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never to be separated again.

Weird Places

"Places I'd Rather Not Live In..."

• Paradox, New York
• Crapo, Maryland
• Boogertown, North Carolina
• Spasticville, Kansas
• Hellhole, Idaho
• Purgatory, Maine

What would Freud say about...

• Climax, Michigan
• Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
• Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton's Home Town?)
• Hardup, Utah
• Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi
• Intercourse, Pennsylvania
• Hornytown, North Carolina
• Conception Junction, Missouri

It doesn't surprise me that there is a...

• Rudeville, New Jersey
• Boring, Oregon
• Hell, Michigan
• Hooker, California
• Virgin, Utah
• Dulls Corner, Maryland
• Bowlegs, Oklahoma
• Volcano, Hawaii
• Beersville, Pennsylvania
• Fleatown, Ohio
• Burnt Corn, Alabama
• Two Guns, Arizona
• Toad Suck, Arkansas

Awww...Mondays #8

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. Tomas 2. Lance 3. Grace 4. DrillerAA 5. Sherry 6. Lois 7. Anthony North 8. Skywind 9. A pot, a thought and a smidgen of dirt

10. Arv 11. Linda 12. Barb 13. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 14. Audrey 15. Mimi Lenox 16. Beetle 17. Vodka Mom 18. Mike Golch

19. Jack K. 20. Ana 21. Colleen 22. SpeedyCat Kangaroo Cat 23. Kimmie 24. darkone 25. phelps26 26. RennyBA 27. Desert Songbird

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Vocabulary Word for the Day

LIQUIDITY:
When you look at your
investments and wet your pants.

What my Birthday Predicts

Your Birthday Predicts You're Influential

Ever since you were born, people have found themselves drawn to you. You have a superstar personality. You are charming and fascinating. You believe in hard work and persistence. You know how to make your big dreams a reality. You are demanding, but your standards are reasonable. And you demand the most from yourself.

What Does Your Birthday Predict About You?

The Economy

Hat tip: Phil of Phils Phun

An Apology

I'm sorry I haven't been around much. My car needed washing so I went to the car wash again and I had them rewash the car three times. They kept missing spots!

In the future, if you don't hear from me for a week or more, you'll know where I am.

I'll be at the car wash again!

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

Rachel's Wedding

Her wedding date was rapidly approaching and Rachel knew she needed to tell her fiance that she couldn't marry him, but she was afraid that he would commit suicide. So she went to the church to seek for the advice of the parish priest. The parish priest said, "You do realize that you're the third girl that has left this young man standing in the alter, don't you? And, I believe that you know who the other two are. He's going to be devastated when you tell him. What reason are you going to give him for not going through with the wedding?"

"Well Father, he has extra toes on both feet" said Rachel. "I'm afraid he'll pass that trait along to his children. My daughters should be able to wear cute sandals. I don't want them to have to wear clunky shoes at the beach to cover up their extra toes. How do you suggest I handle this breakup?"

The priest replied, "How do you know about the extra toes?"

Before she could answer, Sister Marina came rushing into the room. "Father! Father!" she shouted. You're not going to believe this." Then she pointed at the window and said, "The groom has grabbed a hacksaw and he is threatening to saw off his toes! He said that he may have extra toes but no one knows she has actually decided to leave me because she has found another man and he is going to let himself bleed to a slow and agonizing death unless either she learns to accept him with his extra toes or finds a way to raise money, so that he can have them surgically removed."

He thinks the best way she could do this, would be to bake wedding cakes and sell them on the corner. and then she really didn't come clean about having a third breast situated just above her right kneecap.

This was all going so horribly wrong. The priest hollered out, "Wait just a cotton pickin' minute everybody and slow down. First we've got to take a moment to just enjoy life."

The priest asked to see the third breast. Rachel said, "Are your sure Father? Aren't you celebate?" The priest said it was all right. Rachel showed him. The priest said, "It's only a wart." Rachel said that it explained a lot.

Suddenly a nun charged into the room and said how better to enjoy life than to play toesies with some one who has all of those extra toes. Then and only then after this great thrill will I seriously consider marrying him.

However, the young bride-to-be decided to do some research, and discovered that men with extra toes are more virile and that sounded interesting to Rachel. Now she can't wait for the honeymoon! So she planned what to wear on her wedding night and all the fun escapades they would have, except she forgot to buy back the wedding ring or where to find her jeweler. But that's okay because she has another idea which is to call the other two young ladies that had left this groom standing at the alter. She asked the first one, "What were your plans for your wedding night?"

To her amazement, the reply was she was going to paint his toenails so that she could get used to looking at them, but, the more she thought of it, the more gross it seemed, and while he was a handsome, kind man, the idea of him being less than perfect disgusted her, as it had the others.

The truth is though that the 3rd girl was not the only who also had flaws, the other two had long hair all over their bodies and fangs for teeth and he was willing to over look those flaws because he loved them for what they were. Turns out all three girls were the same person, just going through plastic surgery. Everyone started eating the wedding cake and singing Copa Cabana!

Then a mystery woman walked in laughing her head off. "Don't you know you are just having a bad nightmare Rachel? None of this is real."

Rachel looked down at her ring finger and sure enough her engagement ring was there. She decided to check her fiance for extra toes and he didn't have extra toes. She was a bit disappointed about the virile thing, but was happy that her children would be normal.

Everyone that participated in this story game is invited to the wedding next Saturday.

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

Sam of Show Me Your Interest
DrillerAA of Brain Freeze
Barb of WillThink4Wine
Grandpa of The Word Mechanic
Ettarose of Sanity On Edge

Shinade of The Painted Veil
Unfinished Rambler of Unfinished Rambler
Kat of Cradles, Crafts and Whatnot
Empress Bee (of the High Sea) of Muffin53
Jeff B of A Word In Edgewise
Mike Golch of Rambling Stuff

Bud Weiser of WTIT: The Blog
Willy of Hillbilly Willy - Fun, Food & Politics
Paul of Pauls Health Blog
Pam of Finding Pam
Queen Mimi of Mimi Writes...

Skywind of Eyes in Kaleidoscope
PinkLady of Sheepish Thoughts
Lynda of The Loft of Love by Lynda
Ron Russell of Penny Patch - Politely Patrician
Speedcat Hollydale of Speedcat Hollydale Page

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to Rachel's Wedding. You are all awesome!

Awww...Mondays #7

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. Diane @ Good Mourning, Glory! 2. DrillerAA 3. Gennaro 4. Bridget-Bulbs 5. Grace 6. Colleen 7. Speedy Rabbits 8. twistedsister 9. Kimmie 10. Simplycats 11. Skunkfeathers

12. Vodka Mom 13. Sarge Charlie 14. Finding Pam 15. Walter 16. a pot, a thought and a smidgen of dirt 17. Callie Ann 18. Hale McKay 19. Sandi 20. Lois Grebowski 21. Ivanhoe 22. Sherry

23. Linda 24. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 25. Mike Golch 26. Shinade 27. WillThink4Wine 28. Jack K. 29. RennyBA 30. joytoy 31. Arv

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