The Fortune Teller

A nun is waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you are going to Chicago."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells the same thing to everyone, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, and you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. In goes her nickel, out comes the card which said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it one more time." She goes back to the machine, puts in a nickel and collected the card. This time the card says, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

Happy 50th Gene

Gene Bach of Turning The Pages Of Life is 50 today. Have some cake and go over and wish him a very happy birthday. Tell him I sent you.

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit.

They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.

"Why, we just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and gets thing backward. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hours, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour."

The doctor had barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.

"To find Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil!"

Stolen From Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

They Need a Home Pronto

January 30, 2009 - This post is a hoax and I fell for it. Just ignore it and hope that the person that keeps this thing going gets the mental health medication they so desperately need. Here's the link to Snopes: Abandoned Puppies

I have a friend that sent me the following email. If anyone is interested and live in the central valley of California let me know. I can lay in a phone call very quickly.

If any of my animal loving friends can help. . .it appears my hair dresser found them, she lives in the country. Shame on whoever left them!


Please let me know if you know of anyone who might be interested!

Scott (my friend) rescued 6 black lab (mix) puppies out of the middle of the road on Saturday.

PLEASE help me find them homes - otherwise, it's Animal Control - which means they only have 5 days. We've bathed them, sprayed them for fleas and wormed them....but we can't keep them. They are currently in a kennel in my basement since I don't have a fence.

I've lost count of the number of rescue groups that I've contacted, only to be turned down due to no room. Please check with every dog person you know to see if they need a puppy.

You Must Be a Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl was observing this and says, "You must be a dentist!"

Flabbergasted the guy responded, "Yes. That's amazing how did you figure that out?"

The girl said, "Easy .... you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done the girl said, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The dentist said, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl said, "Easy, I didn't feel a thing."

Stolen from Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

I Rescued a Human Today

Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels. I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her.

I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid. As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage. I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today. Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think poorly of them. As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past. I only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someone's life.

She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me. I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the bars to comfort her. Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate for companionship. A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well.

Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms. I would promise to keep her safe. I would promise to always be by her side. I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.

I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor. So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors. So many more to be saved. At least I could save one.

I rescued a human today.

Awww...Mondays #2

Kimmie of Pretty Amazing Grace has started a new meme called Awww...Mondays.

Here's her simple rules:

I have decided to start a meme of my own called "Awww...Mondays."

I have decided I would like to start the week off with photos to make people smile.

If you would like to participate just leave a comment in my post and I will come by and visit your blog. If I get enough bloggers who would like to do this, I will find out how to do a Mister Linky Box. :-)

Any type of photo is fine. Your own personal, one that you may have received in an email, or found on your own. As long as it is cute enough to make you say "Awww" it will work!

1. Kimmie 2. gpartha 3. DrillerAA 4. ettarose 5. Furkidsmom 6. Ivanhoe 7. Broadway Matron

8. RennyBA 9. PaulsHealthblog 10. Colleen 11. Mike Golch 12. Vodka Mom 13. WillThink4Wine 14. Mimi Lenox

15. storyteller 16. On The Verge 17. Roger 18. Jennifer 19. SPEEDY CAT HOLLYWOOD 20. hanna

Powered by... Mister Linky's Magical Widgets.

Check Your Child's Homework

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.


After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Wal-Mart and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Wal-mart.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheffield

The Governor's Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Governor's Mansion in Springfield, Illinois; One from Chicago, another from Tennessee, & a third from Kentucky.

They all go out to examine the fence. The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to and whispers, '$2,700.'

The Governor is incredulous and whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Chicago contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'

'Done!' he replies. And that my friends, is how it all works in Illinois politics!!!

The Baptism

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, "You are now baptized!

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!"

They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians."

The Original Ponzi Scam

Hat tip: Nick M.

Happy Birthday Mike

Today Mike of Rambling Stuff is having a Birthday. So please go over and wish Mike a very Happy Birthday. He also made some life decisions concerning blogging. He deleted his Twitter account and today is his last day with Entrecard. He planned his departure from Entracard to coincide with his birthday. I think that's a spectacular idea. I also applaud Mike for doing what is best for his health. I've noticed that Entrecard takes a lot of time each day. I'm guessing I will either modify or give up Entrecard at some point.

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday Dear Mike,
Happy Birthday to you.
I hope you have a terrific birthday pal.

I did a screen print of my blog on Saturday because that was the last day to see Mike's avatar on my site. Mike and I have been buying each others ads since way back when. I'll miss you Mike, but you are doing the right thing. Big hug. :)

Geography 101

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

• Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
• Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
• Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
• Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
• Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
• Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
• Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
• After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
  

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by Nuts.

Hat tip: Sarge Charlie of Sarge Charlie

Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya Hoya".

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Awww...Mondays #1

Kimmie of Pretty Amazing Grace started a new meme called Awww...Mondays. Here's the simple rules:

I have decided to start a meme of my own called "Awww...Mondays"

I have decided I would like to start the week off with photos to make people smile.

If you would like to participate just leave a comment in my post and I will come by and visit your blog. If I get enough bloggers who would like to do this, I will find out how to do a Mister Linky Box. :-)

Any type of photo is fine. Your own personal, one that you may have received in an email, or found on your own. As long as it is cute enough to make you say "Awww" it will work!

1. Broadway Matron 2. Sandy B and Dick 3. Kimmie 4. Colleen 5. Broadway Matron 6. Best Online Casinos 7. Sketch 8. Storyteller 9. Karen 10. Empress Bee 11. Barb 12. Paul Eilers

13. Bobby Revell 14. Margo Moon 15. Adam 16. Joshua 17. wilben 18. Under the Sun 19. Mike Golch 20. Linda 21. Jack K. 22. Roger 23. DrillerAA 24. Suzanne

25. BB MARKET PLACE 26. Ivanhoe 27. Patois 28. Amazing Gracie 29. Periwinkle Studio 30. Hapi 31. Arv 32. rocky 33. Speedy CAT 34. Annie

Powered by... Mister Linky's Magical Widgets.

What's Your Word?

Your Word is "Fearless"


You see life as your one chance to experience everything, and you just go for it!

You believe the biggest risk is being afraid and missing out on something amazing.

Sometimes your fearlessness means you're daring. You enjoy risky activities.

And sometimes your fearlessness means you're courageous. You're brave enough to do the right thing, even when it's scary.

What's Your Word?

2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here are the glorious top 10 winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Sarare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. that's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbour News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***

Hat tip: Paul of Pauls Health Blog

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. I'm taking a bit of a rest and wanted you to have something constructive to do if you dropped by. I may be boating, or I may be napping. Just have fun and play nicely with each other.

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

First comment: Snow skiing or water skiing?

I'm a Winner...

Henson Ray of Henson's Hell held a contest and I was one of the three lucky winners. Woo Hoo! If you enjoy top quality kitty videos you will love his videos. You will fall in love with the characters. Here's Henson's notifying post:

I am please to announce the three lucky winners for my latest contest. They will each receive a Wizardofwit t-shirt and a copy of the "Cat Clips DVD, Volume One." If you are one of the winners listed below, please send me your mailing address via feedback@wizardofwit.com

Winners:

Daisy of Daisy the Curly Cat

Grace of Broadway Matron

Sandee of Comedy Plus

Thanks to everyone who participated. I'm sure there will be another contest coming up in the near future, so don't be discouraged if you didn't win this time. I like to spread the love around.

Financial Planning 101

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Hat tip: Nick M.

A Cows Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that.'

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

The Mysterious Bartender

The new bartender was tall and handsome, but there was something very mysterious about him too. Many times I saw him watching her out of the corner of his eye as she bent over the fire. "What are you doing?" he asked.

She appeared out of sorts. "My boyfriend left me and I'm debating jumping in the fire."

The bartender sighed, "It's a fake fireplace, Miss."

"Oh," she said with a face so pitiful.

"Come with me" said the bartender with a warm smile, "I'll buy you a drink."

"Make it a large one," she said.

"No problem," he said, "I can make it as large as you like."

She smiled to him sweetly and felt relieved somehow. When he handed her the drink she was surprised with what he gave. It's a cupcake! She hadn't had a cupcake since her seventh birthday party. She remembered that party well because that was the year grandma had taken the "pin the tail on the donkey" game too literal and brought a LIVE donkey to the party.

But something else reminded her of that day. It was a faint scent of vanilla. When she was younger, her mother used to let her lick the beaters when they made vanilla cupcakes. And then they used to place a paper doily over the top and sprinkle icing sugar over the light brown surface of the cupcakes. Maybe she would make some for old-times-sake this weekend. But then she remembered her boyfriend, or her not-boyfriend, and a tear finally made its way down her cheek. We had vanilla scented candles in the house all the time. Sometimes she even put some vanilla into her bath because it helped with her acne, at least it helped with some skin imperfections.

Now what to do she thought as she stepped out of the bath and smeared icing on her face, while enjoying the icing licked off by her chihuahua Sparky. Sparky loved cake icing and pickles, but hated her acne.

She wept, but then she realized that the bartender was silently staring at her as if he wanted to tell her something. When suddenly the door was jerked open and in walked her boyfriend who looked at her, the bartender and the cupcake and fell to his knees. Luckily, the bartender was actually there trying to get her mind off her troubles. He mumbled something as the boyfriend approached. The boyfriend said, "Hey, do you know where my basketball jersey is? I left it at your house two weeks ago."

The girl looked to him, then said, "Basket ball jersey? I haven't the foggiest. Furthermore, I could care freaking less. Perhaps you used it lieu of TOP. Who knows? I don't maybe you need to contact someone who gives a damn. Now, is that all you came here for or do you just enjoy cupcakes." As he thought about his answer little Sparky started to licking cupcake icing?

Her boyfriend looked down at his jeans and realized the cupcake paper was stuck to his knee. And Sparky her chihuahua was licking what remained of the mashed cupcake off of the denim and before he could pull his leg away, Sparky peed on his leg.

The Sheriff of the village was walking in as Sparky peed. I'll put him out of our misery. First I'll finish off that last cupcake if no one else wants it. I just love 'em. When I was a boy my momma would always let me have a cupcake after I let our dog Fido pee. Of course, that meant walking him in three feet of snow and having to clear a spot in the snow for him to pee.

And the room came to a dead silence for there was a loud noise that came from the direction of the bar. "Damn it," the bartender hollered just after the crashing noise. Everyone looked over at the bar. The bartender was covered in icing and smelled of Cointreau. "This is the third time this month that someone switched the blender top with the tip jar," he said in a very annoyed manner. The tip jar and blender top look almost identical an it does fit on the blender, but when you start the blender the contents explode right out because the lid doesn't fit properly.

The sheriff and everyone else started laughing at the sight of the bartender covered in white-orange smelly icing. "Well Cupcake," the sheriff said (referring to the bartender). "How about a very dry Martini -- Stirred not shaken!"

"Cupcake? That one better not stick," the bartender said even more annoyed.

"Too late," said the Sheriff. "Looks like you're stuck with it, literally."

Reaching for the gin and vermouth to fill the sheriff's martini order, Cupcake happened to accidentally shoot the dog. Instead of blood, strawberry jelly came out of Sparky and a huge bubble gum hanged on the gun. The bartender fainted.

But we all know bartenders never faint because they have seen everything possible. Cupcake actually slipped on the spilled icing which resulted in the Sheriff's martini being shaken instead of stirred. So it was back to the drawing board, and remix the martini. Cupcake thought to himself, "What kind of place is this. I'm new here and we have had a bake off, exploding blenders, drunken Sheriffs, and jelly-filled mutts and there's still two hours before Happy Hour starts. Well, if you can't beat em ..."

Cupcake reached for a big brown bottle of Kahlua and a bottle of Stoli. The perfect ingredients for a Black Russian. He knew that a tall one would put him in the proper mood to clean up the bar, go after the girl, teach the not-so-much-boyfriend a lesson, and get Sparky a bath. Of course, there was just one problem - who would look after the bar. Surely he couldn't ask Sparky to watch the bar.

Sparky pointed out the a black Russian with Smirnoff or Ketel One beats Stoli hands down. He called the owner. Sparky said, "The bartender left for a threesome and I got shot. Who should take over?" The owner answered, "Whoa, whoa, slow down, let me get this straight." Oh forget it there's no way to get this story straight, someone get me a drink??? Please. The owner answered, "Bud Weiser should take over with a round of Smirnoff for all so that when Sandee gets back from the boat party we'll all be intoxicated and have an excuse for not keeping this story on track."

After Sparky went off to the vet. The bartender and the woman returned. "I'm back! Who drank all the Smirnoff? And the Godiva is gone, too." The old man in whiskers smiled. He said, "That Pencil Skirt woman took the Godiva and ran but I have something even better." It was a fresh fruit salad. The old man said to the bartender, "You are supposed to be mysterious. Sandee said so. The only thing mysterious, is what happened when you left with the idiot woman, who thought that was a real fireplace, and her boyfriend go off to?"

The bartender smirked and said, "You will not believe it! We met at the Blogger Cafe and had a great meal while we laughed at all the great comments on Sandee's blog."

The old man, confused, asked, "Sandee? Now just who is this Sandee?", to which the bartender replied, "Last call is over, everybody. We serve booze not breakfast so knock 'em back." The tall, dark, handsome, and mysterious bartender, now known as Cupcake, turned away to rinse out his shot glass and other utensils. As he did this, a glowing aura seemed to surround him. Everyone in the room noticed the aura and watched in awe as the bartender seemed to transform right before their eyes.

The Bartender laughed a wicked laugh as he continued to transform and said, "I'm really Foxxfyrre the Meme Thief Of Bloggingham. I have escaped the perils of the dungeon. No ones memes are safe any more Bwahahahah!" The patrons watched as Foxxfyrre fled from behind the bar and disappeared in plain sight. And they trembled, for they knew that their treasured memes were safe no longer nor were their cupcakes! And they were now out of Smirnoff, Godiva and fruit salads. Luckily, Empress Bee makes a mean Peanut Butter Frosting Cake! She promised she would bring them over as soon as all the lurkers commented on her blog.

Just then the emergency exit door opened revealing only a pair of red spiked heals and part of Mimi's leg. The Pencil Skirt had returned with The End. Or was it just the beginning? No one knows for sure except for Sandee, as she is the Story Game Madame.

The pencil skirt lady, who was known as the Queen of Meme's and also the holder of the dungeon key, was looking high and low for Foxxfyrre, for he had crossed the line. She had allowed him to evade all of the meme's in the blogosphere, but, now he had gone too far, and besides that, she had enjoyed the time Budweiser had shown her when he was temporarily tending bar.

All of a sudden there was the fresh scent of Vanilla, so fragrant that it filled everyone's senses, and also had a kick to it, leaving everyone in a foggy, stoned like state. Music was playing and so everyone started dancing or swaying, having a great time, not knowing exactly why, and then the back door to bar opened and in walked a man called Speedy. Speedy said, "I am very confused by all this verboseness. Besides, I kinda like all of the dancing and swaying. It reminds me of the time I went to a bar where a cat was the bartender."

What happened? Well, everyone got tipsy commenting on this story game and came up with whatever tickled their fancy. Exactly as it should be. The story isn't over. Tomorrow morning everyone is going to wake up with a hangover. Even Sparky will have a sugar hangover. Another great ending.

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

Ettarose of Sanity On Edge
Bud of WTIT Tape Radio: The Blog
A pot... a pot, a thought and a smidgen of dirt
Belle of Interstitial Life
Raphnix of Psychic Articles By Raphnix

Barb of WillThink4Wine
Lisa of "...All Things Work for Good..."
Anne of Small Town Mommy
Julia of A Piece of My Mind
Karen of My Funny Dad, Harry

Rhonda of Led Beside Still Waters
Paul of Pauls Health Blog
Empress Bee (of the High Sea) of Muffin 53
Mike of Rambling Stuff
Ivana of From Ohio with Love

Abelle of Only in Silence...
Clara of Coming Back to Life!
Jen of Redhead Ranting
The Pixie of Skunkfeathers
Jack of One Man's View from Lansing, KS

Matt of Matt-Speak
Furkidsmom of Friends FurEver
Arv of ...on the Wall
Mimi of Mimi Writes...
Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

Shoshana of Just Say These Words
Shelly of Wine at Five?
Dawn of Twisted Sister
Lynda of The Loft of Love by Lynda
Speedy (Eric) of Speedcat Hollydale Page
Gracie of Echos of Grace

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to The Mysterious Bartender. You are all awesome!

Top 10 U.N. Slogans

Stolen from: Phils Phun

The Operation...

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Stolen from: Phils Phun

The Jogger

I love stealing jokes and Vodka Mom of I Need a Martini Mom wanted me to see a joke that Jeanne of The Raisin Chronicles posted on her blog titled Old Joke #3. Enjoy...

A guy is out jogging very early one morning when he realizes he has to take a dump. He looks around for a public building, or a gas station, but he’s in a residential neighborhood. He runs for a few more minutes, but the urge just grows stronger. Then he spots a thick cluster of bushes. He considers running on past, but the need is just too great. Stepping behind the shrubbery, he shucks down his shorts and squats.

As he finishes, but before he can pull up his running shorts, the worst happens. An old lady appears beside the bushes and stands there, staring at him without speaking.

Embarrassed, he says, “Can I help you, ma’am?”

The old lady smiles coyly.

“I’ve been a widow for many years. Would you mind,” she blushes, “if I just touch one of your testicles?”

The man is taken aback, but he’s not really in a position to refuse. “Okay.”

Reaching out, she gently cradles his left testicle between her fingers and thumb for a brief moment.

As he starts to pull up his shorts, he realizes she’s still staring fixedly at him.

“Would you mind,” she says, blushing even more deeply, “if I touched your other testicle?”

Reluctantly, he agrees and she softly squeezes his right testicle.

By now he’s starting to enjoy himself, so he’s not too upset when, after glancing down in embarrassment, she gazes shyly into his eyes and says, “Would you mind if I just touch both of them at the same time?”

“Sure,” he says. “Go ahead.”

The old lady takes his left testicle in her left hand and his right testicle in her right hand. Slamming them together with every word, she yells:

“DON’T…EVER…SHIT…IN…MY…YARD…AGAIN!”

The Story Game

It's time to play The Story Game again. I just want you to have something entertaining to do if you swing by for a visit this weekend while I'm slaving away putting together a yacht club dinner. So play nice. Okay?

Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. Next week I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want and the game will run all weekend. Thanks for playing along.

Here's the beginning of our new story: The new bartender was tall and handsome, but there was something very mysterious about him too...

Naked Firemen Calendar 2009

My sister ♥Debbie♥ sent me this hot naked firemen calendar for 2009. Warning - adult material.

You sick bunch of fiends. Bwahahahahaha.

Friday begins The Story Game.

Boudreaux and Clarence

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like no way at all. Dey all de time yell & cuss across de bayou at eachudder.

Boudreaux's a yellin to Clarence, "You ol' mudbug! If I had me a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat up on you good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years.

Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Beaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat ol Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK, Mon Cher" ... and he start across da bridge, but he see a sign on da bridge an he stop to read it, den he go back to da houseboat.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon, Beau?"

Boudreaux say, "Mon Cher, I dun change my mind bout beatin up dat Clarence. You know dis, Marie, dey got dem a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, Clarence 13 ft. 6 in. Seem like he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

Stolen from: Phils Phun

True Friends

Stolen from: Jack K. of One Man's View from Lansing, KS

History in the Making...

In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count or blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of it's forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets. Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place.when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character". There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address.

His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly. But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this.

His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

Who is this man, you ask...

Hap tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

Once Upon a Time...

Phil of Phil's Phun posted this joke in honor of me: for my good friend Sandee @ Comedy Plus so I'm posting this over here too. Thanks Phil.

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain.

Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up.
After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.

Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left,

Starboard Right.

Mouse Calibration

You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Kim Kommando (the computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer.

I was shocked to see how well this works, and how far off mine was!

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below, then drag the Y toward the g.

If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.

You dumb ass. You'll believe anything

I'm sure you will also recommend this to all your friends once you see how much smoother and better the mouse works after being calibrated! Amazing...

Hat tip: Roger Dman of Idaho Photo

Changes @ Comedy Plus

There were many, many times this past year when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves with all the posts I've posted.

So today I just wanted to tell you...

Tough S**t!
There are no changes scheduled for 2009!

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