Saturday, March 31, 2007

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

I am so shocked by these results!

Your Mind is NC-17 Rated

You're mind is so filthy... you should should be washing every part of you out with soap.
If your thoughts can go dirty, they do. Almost everything is NC-17 to you!

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

Labels: Weird Stuff

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big friggin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Labels: Couples Humor

Friday, March 30, 2007

Redneck Women

Labels: Southern Humor, Video

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this...No one ever says, "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Labels: Life's Lessons

Medical Diagnosis

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an Old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We’re medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.

Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought... But you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought... But you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS... But I was wrong.”

Labels: Medical Humor, Old Age Humor

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Coffee Anyone?

1. Click on the link (Coffee Machine Below)
2. Put the coin in the vending machine
3. Choose your drink
4. Click on the cup when it's ready
5. Click on the word "APRI" at the end of the pouring -- Enjoy

Don't forget to click on "APRI" in the last box!!!

Labels: Weird Stuff

The Canadian and the American

An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam)when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to America."

The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to America."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada."

Labels: Humor

Billy Bob and Earline

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different."

"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

Labels: Southern Humor

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wordless Wednesday #2

What state are these dogs from?
Lazy Daisy has identified what state -- Tennessee!
Now, WHAT KIND OF DOGS ARE THESE?
Bird Dogs

1. empress bee (of the high sea)
2. Peter
3. Claire Rachael Pitt
4. Selena Kitt
5. Donna
6. CKC
7. Beaman
8. Brian aka hummingbunny
9. Baby&ToddlerTalk
10. Rav`N
11. L.L. Barkat
12. Dawn
13. Captain Crazy Lifecruiser
14. Linda
15. Skittles
16. Kerri
17. Melli
18. anyhow
19. karen (miscmum)
20. Amelia Elias
21. Madison Wilson
22. jenny
23. bluemountainmama
24. Janet
25. Lazy Daisy
26. This Eclectic Life

27. Gene Bach
28. Barbara H.
29. aka R\'acquel
30. tennessee mom
31. Lynne-And Babies Make Six
32. Gattina
33. An Ordinary Mom
34. Joyful Days
35. Dragonheart
36. Kai
37. Rhonda
38. Kuanyin
39. Get Your Blog On!
40. Stine
41. Shaz@UsDanes
42. EaglesWings
43. Mike \'The Canadian\' Thomas
44. Kelly
45. busy
46. mags
47. Tendrils
48. Jottings From Jersey
49. It\'s A Blog Eat Blog World
50. Holly Schwendiman
51. Hoyeya
52. Lori

53. Beckie
54. Frances
55. Colleen M
56. FelineFrisky - Diane
57. YellowRose
58. Tammy at Family Doin\'s
59. letha
60. Freelancecynic
61. kaliblue
62. Christine~Are We There Yet!
63. wrchili
64. TorAa
65. Raggedy
66. Leigh
67. Amber\'s Crazy Bloggin\' Canuck
68. Meg - badhomeschoolmom
69. Julee
70. Michelle in Mx
71. macoosh
72. madd
73. maiylah
74. da devil
75. YBM
76. SeaBird

Labels: Wordless Wednesday

The Pussy

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the back yard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, as I was just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. Sorry I took so long, I said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.

Labels: Couples Humor, Ironic Humor

New Seat Belt Law

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced b y as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below... This is very IMPORTANT! THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!

Click on image for animated version

Labels: Couples Humor, Male Humor

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

No Work No Food

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores." Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfastuntil he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Labels: Couples Humor, Kids

Tuesday's Drive-Bys

RT over at Untwisted Vortex has a nice piece on Nancy Pelosi, “A Message For House Speaker Nancy Pelosi”. If you’re a DemocRAT you probably won’t be interested, but it is worth the read if you’re not. Bravo RT!

Staying with the political or military motif for today’s drive-bys my second stop is Leaning Straight Up to view, “"Todays lesson for liberals: This is what patriots supporting the troops looks like”. If you can view the pictures and not support our troops you need to move to another country. There are lots of us that will help you pack!

Sarge Charlie with his, "Yellow Bellied Sapsucker Award of the Week". A great history of Sarge’s military experiences and a must-see is the recent war protesters in Oregon. Great shots of others that need to be escorted out of the U.S. Some are covering their faces...wonder why?

Labels: Political Humor

More on Blondes

Labels: Video

Monday, March 26, 2007

Manic Monday (Spring) #1

Spring is one of the four seasons temperate zones,

the transition from winter into summer.

Astronomically, Spring begins with the vernal equinox

(around March 20 in the Northern Hemisphere,

and September 23 in the Southern Hemisphere),
and ends with the summer solstice
(around June 21 in the Northern Hemisphere and
December 21 in the Southern Hemisphere).

Manic Monday Participants

1. CrAzY Working Mom
2. Freelance cynic
3. Imma (Alice)
4. Gattina
5. empress bee (of the high sea)
6. Claire Rachael Pitt
7. Anndi
8. SargeCharlie

9. Heather in Beautiful BC
10. robinsonk
11. gem
12. Travis
13. Coffee 2 go
14. Deb
15. Rhonda
16. Lizza

17. Christine
18. LastMinuteLyn
19. thakur
20. Jamie
21. Skittles

Learn more about Manic Monday here.
View More Manic Monday Participants

Labels: Manic Monday

I'm My Own Grandpa

Labels: Southern Humor, Video

Do You Remember Me

A must see video about our military personnel. This is not humerous, and is off track of what I usually do, but I am sick and tired of the anti-war group blaming our military. Shame on anyone that doesn't support our troops. Thanks Sarge Charlie... Please view and pass it on to your readers. Thanks!

sarge charlie: DO YOU REMEMBER ME

Labels: Political Humor

Jokes to Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag!

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes!

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides .

Labels: Couples Humor, Ethnic Humor

Sunday, March 25, 2007

More on Aging

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

-- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

-- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

--The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

--Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

--Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

Labels: Old Age Humor

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Adult Content Advisory...

Beautiful Blonde Pole Dancer
Contains adult content. Enter at own risk!
You have been warned.

After yesterday I knew you would fall for this one... Gotcha! Hugs to all my Internet friends.

Labels: Humor

Friday, March 23, 2007

To My Friends: Have a Great Weekend!

See you Sunday evening!

Labels: Friends

The Cowboy and the Yuppie

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Labels: Political Humor

Men vs. Women on Computers

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapis."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; AND

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el com putador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; AND

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Labels: Female Humor, Male Humor

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Six Reasons to Have a Camera Phone...

Caution...Adult pictures...Adults only...

While you're in this aisle, you might want to think about T.P.'ing yourself.

They don't make hydrants like they used to.

I'm moving to whatever country these guys are from !
(no seriously -- where are they from?)

Now I know who to call the next time I'm low on gas.
(what country were those guys in red and white from -- anyone know?)

Mine don't do that.

Lady, it might be time to re-think your priorities.

Lay off the juice honey.

Labels: Alcohol Humor, Sex Humor

The Businessman and the Cabby

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said..."I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Labels: Couples Humor

Petra and Chola

Petra and Chola, two comadres, are talking.

Petra : "Ese senor Chuy Lopez, asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week,and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Chola: "Pues, le' me tell you sonting . He cho's up at my casa a las 7 and dressed good, bien chulo. And he brings me flowers and una caja de chocolates, mas suave! Then he takes me downstairs,and what's there but a beautiful carro limousine, con chauffeur y todo. Then he takes me out for dinner. .. mas bueno, el lobster. Then we go see a cho'... Let me tell you Petra , I enjoyed it so much I could've died from pleasure! So then, we are coming back to my casa, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Mas Loco, he tears off my expensive new dress that I bought at Target and has his way with me...two times!"

Petra : "!No la chingues! So,you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Chola: "No, no!! I'm just saying, wear an old dress like from Wal-Mart."

Labels: Ethnic Humor, Sex Humor

New Workplace Evaluation Tool

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation.

If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet nat a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has beem moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress!

Labels: Political Humor

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Wordless Wednesday #1

Wordless Wednesday Participants

1. Donna W
2. Amber\'s Crazy Bloggin\' Canuck
3. Toni
4. Letha
5. Janet
6. Linda
7. maiylah
8. madd
9. karen (miscmum)
10. Celeste
11. empress bee (of the high sea)
12.