Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Brokeback Reality

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two oclock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

Labels: Gay Humor

The Why's of Men...

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
A: They don't have enough time!

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop to ask directions.

Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

(You're laughing, aren't you???)

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy...

Q: How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
A: Don't know...it never happened!

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!!!

Labels: Female Humor

Kids are Smart!

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test.

You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied.

Labels: Kids

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Cop vs. Defense Lawyer

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" Line -- I think he'll win.

Labels: Cops, Lawyer Humor

Monday, February 26, 2007

Top Secret...Classified...

This was sent to me by an associate in the surveillance field. I am sharing it with friends and family on a need to know basis. I cannot vouch for its validity but, if true, it could very well rock the foundation of this country.

SECURITY PHOTO: CONFIDENTIAL

The photo is a video capture from a security camera located in the North Corridor that leads to the Senate floor in the US Capitol Building. This is classified material, so do not ask how or where I got it.

Please DO NOT FORWARD this.

The repercussions could shake things up more than you can imagine. A highly respected politician's head is on the line here! But I feel someone should know the truth.

Hat tip: Tammy

Labels: Political Humor

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Ungrateful Wife!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Labels: Adult, Couples Humor

Did You Call For Me?

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

Labels: Ironic Humor, Sex Humor

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Work Humor

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Any design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you no longer need it; are in the middle of something else; or don't want it to be fixed because now you don't want to do what you were supposed to do.
The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent becomes the identity of the decision maker.
It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
Don't fix something that ain't broke, 'cause you'll break it and you still can't fix it.
If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.
Standard parts are not.
Interchangeable tapes aren't.
Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology.
For any given software, as soon as you master it, a new version of that software appears.
The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.
In today's technical environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn.
It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make something simple.
Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in 'furlongs-per-fortnight'.
An expert will always state the obvious.
The chance a copy machine will break down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed.
A maintenance department will neglect a customer's complaints until it starts installations on the customer's new projects.
If it works in theory, it won't work in practice. If it works in practice, it won't work in theory.
No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more.
The less intelligent the idea, and the person stating it, the more likely it will be funded.
A man with one watch is certain about time. A man with two watches isn't.
The more knowledge you gain, the less certain you are of it.
Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology.
The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be online.
The more important your email is, the worse your email program will screw it up.
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Labels: Work Humor

Friday, February 23, 2007

Clinton Politics

Click on image to enlarge

Labels: Political Humor

Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers

Drug Dealers

Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E".
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Software Developers

Refer to their clients as "users".
"Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: "SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists (same thing).
DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.
Damn! Damn!! DAMN!!!

Labels: Technology

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Religious Squirrels

There were five country churches in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church
The Baptist Church
The Methodist Church
The Catholic Church; And
The Jewish Synagogue

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Hat tip: Tammy

Labels: Religious Humor

City of Los Angeles High School Mathematics Proficiency Exam

Name:
Gang:

Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 18 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before having to reload?
Joey has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine?
Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut his half pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for stealing a Chevy, and $100 for stealing a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys does he need to steal to make $800?
If the probability that Amy graduates from high school is 1/5, and the probability that a high school graduate gets into college is 2/3, and the probability that a student who enters college graduates is 1/2, what is the probability that Amy graduates from college?
Hector has knocked up 6 out of 27 girls in his gang. What percentage of girls in his gang has Hector knocked up?
Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison? As a bonus, how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
Latisha takes TV's from 25 houses, and VCR's from 27 houses. If in 10 houses she takes both a TV and a VCR, and in one house she takes 2 TV's, how many houses did Latisha rob?
If the average spray can covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many times can Jane spray her favorite four-letter word with 5 spray cans?

Labels: Ethnic Humor

What Viagra Has Done to Our Sex Life!

Day 1: We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary without much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why not tell me something I don’t know! He actually thinks I haven’t noticed.

Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4: A miracle! A new drug will fix his “problem.” It’s called Viagra. He says if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something besides his mood.

Day 5: What absolute bliss!

Day 6: Isn’t life wonderful? But it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that!

Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice -- I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Also, I’m getting a little sore.

Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with whiskey! What am I going to do?

Day 11: Basically, I’m being screwed to death. This is like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt! He’s a complete pig.

Day 12: I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth, and bathing but still he comes after me! Even yawning is now dangerous!

Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a SCUD missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry!” thing again, I’m gonna kill that bastard.

Day 14: I’ve done everything I can to turn him off. Nothing works. Even dressing like a nun just made him hornier. Help me!

Day 15: I think I’ll have to kill him. I stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go fuck himself -- and he did!

Day 16: The bastard has started to complain about getting headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17: Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference. Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18: He’s back on Prozac. The lazy asshole just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to wait on him. What bliss!

Labels: Couples Humor, Sex Humor

Life's Lessons

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Labels: Ironic Humor, Life's Lessons

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Scratch & Sniff

Make sure you follow the directions.

Click on the link below!

Scratch & Sniff

Labels: Humor, Weird Stuff

COLD Cool Picture

Click on image to enlarge

Labels: Cool Pictures

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

More Political Humor

Labels: Political Humor

Saying the Right Thing @ the Right Time...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time -- PRICELESS!

Labels: Adult, Alcohol Humor, Couples Humor, Work Humor

The Ironic Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Labels: Humor, Ironic Humor

Monday, February 19, 2007

Old Age and Technology

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely!,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, ''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing.

Labels: Old Age Humor, Technology

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Happy, Happy!

Labels: Holidays

Screen Cleaner

Have your noticed that your computer monitor, after a few years of use is not as clear as it was when new? Well, that's because electrostatic charges cause micro etching on the interior surface of the glass which can degrade the picture quality.

As a result you end up straining your vision and visual acuity can suffer. BUT... GOOD NEWS!

Thanks to MICROSOFT this process is REVERSIBLE thanks to a brand new JUST INTRODUCED PROGRAM that "cleans" the inside of the screen!

The process takes LESS THAN 30 SECONDS, and the difference is IMMEDIATELY NOTICEABLE

Hat tip: My sister Debbie

Labels: Critters, Humor

The Recipe

I knew it! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

Labels: Adult, Humor, Sex Humor

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Reserved for...

Click on image to enlarge

Hat tip: My sister Debbie

Labels: Cool Pictures

Oh Really?

Click on image to enlarge

Labels: Cool Pictures, Kids

Friday, February 16, 2007

Serious Virus...

I am sending this to everyone who sends me email.

One of you sent a virus.

It is a very severe virus.

Look what it did to my mouse.

Hat tip: My sister Debbie

Labels: Humor, Technology

New Office Policies...

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Hat tip: Russell

Labels: Work Humor