Sunday, December 31, 2006

~~~Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.” The next day someone stole it. Caution… They Walk Among Us!!

~~~One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted….”Look at that dead bird!”

Someone looked up at the sky and said…”where???” They Walk among us!!

~~~While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?”

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.” They Walk Among Us!!

~~~I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.

I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific”. They Walk Among Us!!!

~~~My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”. They Walk Among Us!!!

~~~I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin.

Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the half-pounder. They walk among us!

~~~My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk… They Walk Among Us!!!

~~~My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount…. They Walk Among Us!!!

~~~I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?”

I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned… They Walk Among Us!!!

~~~I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “Has your plane arrived yet?”… They Walk Among Us!!!

~~~While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!

Labels: Ever Wonder Humor

Beware...

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked “Registration” and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

“Exactly what do you do here?” he asked.

“It’s quite simple,” said the receptionist. “This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.”

“Cool,” said the guy. “Count me in!” So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, “Beware of Gays.”

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: “Beware of Gays.”

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, “Sorry, you’ve had two warnings!”

Labels: Gay Humor

Words of Wisdom From Our Animal Friends

Just give me 5 minutes
Five minutes is all I need and
I will be good as new!!!

OK, I’ll be his friend, but I don’t have to like it!

They’ll never find me in here…

All right, who chose who we stand by???
I have standards you know!!!

Put that nose up here one more
time and you’ll have 3 nostrils!

Can you believe what this dude looks like wet?

Have you ever seen porcupine babies?

Gives a whole new meaning to labor pains!!

I’m so glad I’m not an only child…

As long as you’re gonna put her in my bed,

I might as well share.

Sometimes your bed just feels soooo good!

Ears? What ears???

Labels: Critters

Nothing Replaces Having a Friend!

It doesn't matter where we sleep

as long as we're together...

Thanks for stopping by.
You’ve made my day!!!

You’re my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

We were meant to be together…

I’d go anywhere with you!

Flowers…For me??? How sweet.

We are just the cutest kittens ever.

Labels: Critters

Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Unknown

It’s the unknown that can cause
great pleasure in others.
Sometimes our misfortune
is anothers fortune…

Labels: Humor

The Bartender

Click on image to enlarge

Labels: Male Humor

The Enchanted Snake

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

“Hold on there, partner!” said the snake, “Don’t shoot — I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range.

He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”

The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted…

“Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!!!”

Labels: Male Humor

Friday, December 29, 2006

More on Men...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, ” University of Oklahoma.”

And they say blondes are dumb!!!

~~~

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”

~~~

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

~~~

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

~~~

A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.

Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!

Gotta love that fairy!!!

~~~

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN

~~~

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

Labels: Male Humor