Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Woman's Poem

He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
Smacked the shit out of him
Like his mama used to do!!!

Labels: Female Humor

The Physical

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom; poof the light goes on. When I’m done, poof the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.

“Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof the light goes off?”

“Oh my Goodness!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Labels: Old Age Humor

Look, It's Okay...

Jon was looking for a little “action”. He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men’s room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn’t find “it”.

After a couple of minutes “fishing around” he finally said, “Look, it’s ok. She’s not here!”

Labels: Male Humor, Sex Humor

Colonoscopy 101

I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

a Tube of K-Y jelly
a rubber glove; and
a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I’m a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse…

Darn it Evelyn!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

Labels: Medical Humor

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

National Mental Health Care Week...

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

I’ve done my part!!!

Labels: Medical Humor

Letters Dear Abby Admitted She Was at a Loss to Answer

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR???

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his…

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again!!!

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do???

Labels: Humor, Ironic Humor

Life as a Priest

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos, the youngest and fairest of the group.

Poor Carlos…

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in the nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up… then all the other bells started to ring.

Labels: Religious Humor

What I Want in a Man

Original List:

Handsome
Charming
Financially successful
A caring listener
Witty
In good shape
Dresses with style
Appreciates finer things
Full of thoughtful surprises
An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

Nice looking
Opens car doors, holds chairs
Has enough money for a nice dinner
Listens more than talks
Laughs at my jokes
Carries bags of groceries with ease
Owns at least one tie
Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

Not too ugly
Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
Nods head when I’m talking
Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
Remembers to put the toilet seat down
Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
Doesn’t borrow money too often
Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
Appreciates a good TV dinner
Remembers your name on occasion
Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

Doesn’t scare small children
Remembers where bathroom is
Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
Only snores lightly when asleep
Remembers why he’s laughing
Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
Usually wears some clothes
Likes soft foods
Remembers where he left his teeth
Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)

Breathing (very important)
Doesn’t miss the toilet…

Labels: Female Humor

The China Piggy Bank

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five, ten, and twenty dollar bills.

He asks his wife what’s was up.

“Well,” she replied, “not everyone is as cheap as you are.”

Labels: Couples Humor, Family Humor, Female Humor

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Islamic Extremists Rage-Ometer

Labels: Religious Humor

Racquetball Anyone?

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball.

Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband,” she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband either,” she says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this club!”

Labels: Female Humor

Monday, September 25, 2006

You're Going to Like It...

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.”

“He is going to try to kiss you; you’re going to like that, but don’t let him do that.”

She continued, “He is going to try to feel your breast; you’re going to like that, but don’t let him do that.”

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you’re going to like that, but don’t let him do that.”

Then the grandmother said, “But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You’re going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.”

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, “Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.”

Labels: Family Humor, Sex Humor

A Great Cause

Labels: Humorous Signs

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-pound weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds. As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: “If you catch me you can have me.”

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 pounds as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone, “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” he replies,” I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7-foot man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:

“I’m Dave. If I catch you, you’re mine!!!” Read More...

Dear Tide

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Labels: Couples Humor, Family Humor

Time To Start Cussing

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”

The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK!!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can just stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

Labels: Family Humor, Kids

Saturday, September 23, 2006

John Kerry Fan

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.

Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, “I’m not a John Kerry fan.”

The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a John Kerry fan?”

Johnny says, “I’m a George Bush fan.”

The teacher asks why he’s a George Bush fan.

The boy says, “Well, my mom’s a George Bush fan and my dad’s a George Bush fan, so I’m a George Bush fan!!!”

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, “What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Johnny says, “That would make me a John Kerry fan!!!”

Labels: Political Humor

Iraqis On Star Trek

The Iraqi Ambassador to the United Nations was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.

Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, “Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America.”

Politely, President Bush answered, “If I can help explain things to you, please let me know.”

The Iraqi whispered. “My little girl watches this show called ‘Star Trek’ and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese, but there aren’t any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?”

President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, “It’s because Star Trek takes place in the future.”

Labels: Political Humor

Knowing American History

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. “Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775…”

“Very good!” said the teacher. “Now, who said, ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?’”

Again, no response except from Pedro: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863…”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans!!!”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Pedro answered, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!!!”

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, “If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!”

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001…”

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!!!”

Pedro whispered, “Saddam Hussein, 2003.”

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, “Duck”!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked “Who said that?

Pedro: “Dick Cheney 2006!!!”

Labels: Kids, Political Humor

Friday, September 22, 2006

Don't Mess With Southern Grandmothers

Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me”?

She responded, “Why Yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

“The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.

He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.

Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”

Labels: Lawyer Humor, Old Age Humor

Men...

For all those men who say, why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here’s an update for you:

Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like….

Men are like… Laxatives - They irritate the crap out of you…
Men are like… Bananas -The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like… Weather - Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like… Blenders - You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like… Chocolate bars - Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like… Commercials - You can’t believe a word they say!!!
Men are like… Department stores - Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like… Government bonds - They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like … Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like… Popcorn - They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like… Snowstorms - You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
Men are like… Lava lamps - Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like… Parking spots - All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Labels: Female Humor

When Girls Drink Too Much...

We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo” is truly the sexiest dance move around.
We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s ass and honestly believe we could do it too…
In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.
We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much.
We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play’s because “OH MY GOD! I love this song!!!”
We’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
We’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that’s just because we can no longer taste the gin.
We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop).
We fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when we sit on it.
We take our shoes off because we believe it’s their fault that we’re having problems walking straight.

Labels: Alcohol Humor, Female Humor

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Times Fun...

Click on image to see what 's so fun!!!

Labels: Critters

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Man Eater

Labels: Female Humor

Old is When…

“OLD” is when… Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one; I can’t do both!!!”

“OLD” is when… Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

“OLD” is when… Your pacemaker opens the garage door.

“OLD” is when… Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face…

“OLD” is when… You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along!

“OLD” is when… You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“OLD” is when… “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

“OLD” is when… “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

“OLD” is when… An “all nighter” means not getting up to use the bathroom.

“OLD” is when… You are not sure these are jokes!

Labels: Old Age Humor

Here's To All of Us "Hotties"!!!

I’ve seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be… Puhleeeeeeeze!

I’ve had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you’ll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.”

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we’re sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: “For this I have stretch marks?”

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally - more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective…You start pondering the “big” questions:

What is life?
Why am I here?
How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we’ve acquired. That’s my philosophy and I’m sticking to it!

Labels: Old Age Humor

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Thinking of You...

Labels: Adult, Sex Humor

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Labels: Religious Humor

Night Classes for Men

TOPIC 1 - How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide presentations.

TOPIC 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.

TOPIC 4 - Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks? Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You’re Going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions offered.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the few survivors.

Labels: Male Humor

My Little Brother

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They are for my brother, he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.

Labels: Kids

Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down WAY too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed)…3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight”!!!

He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Got away with that one!

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why?, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh sh#@.”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Labels: Alcohol Humor, Couples Humor, Female Humor