Thursday, August 31, 2006

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?”

She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there!”

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, “Is there a 710 on this car?”

She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there!!!”

Click HERE to learn the identity of the mysterious 710…

Labels: Blonde Humor

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone.

Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him.

The farmer began to lead him back to the house. Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, “Is this your horse?”

The farmer replied, “Yep.”

The ventriloquist asked, “Can he talk?”

The farmer said, “Nope.”

The ventriloquist then said to the horse, “So, how do you like it here?”

He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, “Oh, it’s pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats.”

Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace. Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, “Is this your cow?” and the farmer replied, “Yep.”

He then asked, “Does it talk?” and the farmer replied, “I..I don’t think so.”

The ventriloquist asked the cow, “How do you like it here?” and threw his voice again.

In a cow-like voice, he said, “Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me.”

Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, “Are these your sheep?” and the farmer replied, “Yep.”

He then asked, “Do they talk?” and the farmer exclaimed, “Yes, but they lie!”

Labels: Critters, Humor

More on Religion

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead…

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup!!!”

A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a babysitter.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill!”

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?” The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing!

Labels: Religious Humor

Sam’s Club/Costco Scam

I don’t how many of you shop at Sam’s Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!!

Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 30 year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed. It’s impossible not to look…

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam’s Club or Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!

I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

I’m running out of purses!

Labels: Female Humor

Error 666

Labels: Humor

Monday, August 28, 2006

The Meter...

Labels: Female Humor

While You Were Out!

Labels: Humor

The Portrait

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.

She told the artist, “Paint me with 3-caret diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant.”

“But ma’am, you are not wearing any of those things.”

“I know,” said Mrs. Johnson. “My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.

When I die I’m sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.

Labels: Couples Humor, Female Humor

How To Lose That Ugly Fat…

Labels: Couples Humor

Wait For Me...

There are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

“Sure, I’d love to play,” says George, “but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he’d like to play again the following Saturday.

“Sure, sounds great,” says George, “but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”

Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you’re right on time, and you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What’s the story???”

“Well,” George says, “I’m kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed. And if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.”

“So what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Bob asks.

“Then I’m about ten minutes late,” George answers…

Labels: Male Humor, Sex Humor

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux’s neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic.”

Boudreaux’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:

“You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.”

Labels: Religious Humor

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Financially Strapped

There’s this couple who are financially strapped. They’ve been trying to figure out a way to come up with the money so that they don’t lose their home. The wife didn’t have any ideas as to what to do. But the husband says, “Hey, we could sell you.” He said, “I really hate to do this to you, but we really have no other alternative.” She agrees to his idea.

They go downtown, and he tells her to stand there on the corner and wait. He will watch from across the street to make sure everything is okay. A few minutes after she was standing there a car pulls up and he asks, “How much?” She says, “Can you wait a minute? I’ll be right back.”

So she runs across the street, and says to her husband, “He wants to know how much, what should I tell him?” The husband says, “Tell him a hundred bucks.”

So she runs back across the street, and tells him, “A hundred bucks.” The man says, “One hundred dollars? That’s too much. I don’t have a hundred bucks. How much for a blow job?” She says, “Can you wait a minute? I’ll be right back.”

So she runs across the street again, and says to her husband, “He says a hundred bucks is too much and wants to know how much for a blow job. What should I tell him?” The husband says, “Tell him thirty dollars.”

So she runs back across the street and says to the guy, “30 dollars for a blow job.” He says, “Great! I have 30 dollars.” So she gets into the car and he undoes his zipper and exposes himself to her revealing a 12″ penis.

She looks and says, “Can you please just wait one more minute? I’ll be right back.” She gets out of the car and runs across the street and says to her husband, “Can we loan this guy $70?”

Labels: Couples Humor, Sex Humor

Whining Men

Labels: Female Humor

French Military Victories

Labels: Political Humor

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Lonely Businessman

It seems this fairly successful businessman in his early 30’s was getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find the perfect companion.

Finally, he had an inspiration.

So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says, “I have the perfect pet for you, sir,” disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges with a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a dog or a cat, discovers a frog.

“A frog?” he asks disbelievingly.

“Ah,” says the salesman, “but not just any frog. I really think you’ll be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week for a full refund.”

Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under his arm, and heads home. When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment.

Nothing special.

So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say,

“Excuse me.”

He looks around. There’s no one there. He locked the door. He is five floors up, so there couldn’t possibly be anyone outside the windows. He checks anyway, but there is no one there. Confused, he ponders for a moment, then shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again,

“Pardon me.”

The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming…from the frog?

“Yes, over here.”

Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him.

“I couldn’t help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini, there.”

The man is confused. “You…you talk?”

The frog chuckles. “Oh, of course I talk. But that martini… well, I just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too–”

The man recovers his poise. “Would you care for one?”

The frog hops gratefully out of its box. “Why, thank you. Most people are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be different.”

Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvelously right away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch weekend tennis matches.

When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen, selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humourous conversation throughout the evening.

The young man is delighted. The frog is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised.

Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights out the frog discreetly clears its throat.

“I wonder…” it begins tentatively, “I wonder if you would mind very much…”

“What is it?” the man asks.

“Well,” the frog says, “I feel so close to you…I mean, we share so many interests, we’ve eaten and drunk together…I just somehow wouldn’t feel right sleeping in a box. Could you…do you think I might possibly just sleep on the pillow next to you?”

Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night, turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears another discreet cough.

“Excuse me,” the frog whispers. “I really hate to ask this, and don’t think I mean anything by it, but…” It pauses.

The man sighs. “What do you want?”

The frog shifts about uncomfortably. “Well, it’s just that I’ve grown accustomed to…that is…you see, I’ve always been kissed good night, before.”

The man shakes his head. “No. I’m sorry, but no matter how unique you are, you’re still a frog.”

The frog interrupts. “No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me…”

Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can’t possibly hurt that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses the frog…

When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stunningly beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling blissfully up at him.

“And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be…”

Labels: Male Humor

Friday, August 25, 2006

Blonde Humor

FLORIDA OR THE MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.

One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo!!! Can you see Florida …???”

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor” She asks,

“How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

RIVER WALK

There’ s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

“Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled “PULL OVER!”…

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Who ever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HELLLOOOOOOO…,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”

Labels: Blonde Humor

New Airport Security Plan

Labels: Humor

Geography Lesson

Geography of Women

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful and fertile.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and desirable to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all-conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; wide, with borders that are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet; wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. Only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 85, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick!!!

Labels: Female Humor, Male Humor, Political Humor

Can’t Have Beer Anymore?

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.

Then I caught her spending:

$65.00 on make-up
$150 for a cut & color
$30 for a manicure
$40 for a pedicure
$50 on vitamins
$300 on clothes; and
$600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back…

Labels: Couples Humor

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Guys' Rules...

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one!

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or NASCAR.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Labels: Male Humor

A Real Man's Chain Letter

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn’t cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

This chain also brings good luck. One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter’s waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let’s keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.

Bill Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Billie Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

B. Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

W. Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

William J. Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Willem Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Willie Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Will Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Labels: Political Humor

Damsel in Distress

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘yahoo’ and rode off.

‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asked the service station attendant.

‘Nothing,’ shrugged the woman, ‘I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.’

‘Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians ride bareback…’

Labels: Ironic Humor, Male Humor

To Please Her Husband

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up and said: “Aww so sowwy…excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.”

Labels: Humor

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Seven Kinds of Sex

The 1st kind of sex, is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face…

The 2nd kind of sex, is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex, is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex, is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”

The 5th kind of sex, is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind of sex, is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

Don’t forget the 7th kind, called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Labels: Sex Humor

Redneck's Letter From Home

Dearest Son;

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers, when they moved, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Hank was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

Labels: Southern Humor

The Wisdom of Ted Nugent

“Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The journalist asked, “What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, “Are you my friend?” or maybe “Are you the one who killed my brother?”

Nugent replied, “They aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, What am I going to eat next? Who am I going to screw next? and, can I run fast enough to get away? They are very much like the French in that way.”

Labels: Ethnic Humor

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Drinking and Driving

Pixy Stix...

Gambling Problem Defined

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Davids Fountain

Do You Have a 710?

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Ventriloquist

More on Religion

Sam’s Club/Costco Scam

Error 666

Monday, August 28, 2006

The Meter...

While You Were Out!

The Portrait

How To Lose That Ugly Fat…

Wait For Me...

Boudreaux the Baptist

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Financially Strapped

Whining Men

French Military Victories

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Lonely Businessman

Friday, August 25, 2006

Blonde Humor

New Airport Security Plan

Geography Lesson

Can’t Have Beer Anymore?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Guys' Rules...

A Real Man's Chain Letter

Damsel in Distress

To Please Her Husband

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Seven Kinds of Sex

Redneck's Letter From Home

The Wisdom of Ted Nugent