Friday, April 28, 2006

Strange Sex Laws

There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Why? Under the law in Guam, it is forbidden for virgins to marry. (Heck of a job huh?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover may be killed in any manner desired.

An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.

In Mississippi, S & M is against the law. Specifically, “The depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume for thepurpose of sexual gratification.”

During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you’d be burned at the stake,along with the other party to your crime. (So, was there a BBQ afterwards?)

Labels: Sex Humor

Strange Sex Laws

The Romans would crush a first-time rapist’s gonads between two stones.

In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.

The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.(How would they know?)

In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work.

In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a “tendency to habitually kiss other humans.”

Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes with castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape. A women found guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose, the thinking being that without a nose, it would be harder to find someone to share in her adulterous ways.

Labels: Sex Humor

Strange Sex Laws

In London, it’s illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.

In 100 A.D., the Teutons, an Germanic tribe, would punish anyone caught as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement. (That’s really the shits!)

The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.

In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman’s husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.

Labels: Sex Humor

Strange Sex Laws

In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women prostitute themselves. This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.

“Female breasts,” according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don’t constitute“private parts” under state law.

The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

The T’ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would kneel before her and kiss her genitals. (Where do you sign-up for this job?)

Labels: Sex Humor

Strange Sex Laws

Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception, prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”

While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.

In Alabama, it’s against the law for a man to seduce “a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage.”

In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries.

It’s illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

Labels: Sex Humor

Strange Sex Laws

As recently as 1990, these states had lawsagainst the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish.

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple’s own property.

In Oxford, Ohio, it’s illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation:“No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club.”

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. (Oh please!)

In Michigan a woman isn’t allowed to cuther own hair without her husband’s permission.

Labels: Sex Humor

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Little Johnny

Little Johnny says, “Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”

“Well, you’ve done the right thing,” says Mommy.

“But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!”

Labels: Humor

Riskey Whiskey

A guy in a bar approaches an attractive woman and asks, “Can I buy you a whiskey?”

She thinks for a second and answers, “No, you can’t. Whiskey is bad for my legs.”

He says, “That’s a shame, do they swell?”

The woman replies, “No, they open!!!”

Labels: Alcohol Humor

The Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful … CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!!

Oh my Gosh!! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!! Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!!

We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They’re going to STICK!! Careful… CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!!

You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!!”

The wife stared at him. “What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving”.

Labels: Couples Humor

Wanted

Labels: Humorous Signs

Blue Ball Machine

For some fun turn on your sound

and click on the link below:

BlueBallFixed

Labels: Weird Stuff

Prostitute's Tax Return

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

I’m a whore,” she says.

The accountant balks and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work; too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”

“Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “How about elite chicken farmer.”

“Stunned, the accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a high-end call girl?”

“Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”

“Good enough!!!”

Labels: Sex Humor

A Plan for the Failing Airline Industry

Here’s a recent letter to the editor that has suggestions for the failing airline industry that could increase revenues and cut security costs.

Dear Editor:

I recommend that we replace all female flight attendants with some good-looking strippers! What the heck?

The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a “party atmosphere” going in the cabin.

And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.
Why the hell didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself???

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Labels: Political Humor

Baby Planes

A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So, the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

The boy said, “Yes, she did.”

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time! Have your mother explain that to you!!!”

Labels: Humor

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Words to Live By

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons, some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.

Labels: Life's Lessons

Words to Live By

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only oneperson in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Labels: Life's Lessons

Words to Live By

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Labels: Life's Lessons

Thought for the Day

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!!!

Labels: Life's Lessons

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Are You Looking Up or Down?

Labels: Weird Stuff

The Difference Between Men and Women

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house…

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man may put on shoes for weddings and funerals.

Natural:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night??

Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change…but she does.

Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men throw things at cats.

Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $10, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Labels: Couples Humor