The Penis Wants a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I do physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I plunge head first into everything I do.
• I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
• I work in a damp environment.
• I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
• You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
• You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
• You will retire LONG before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
• And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

Read More... Summary Only...

13 Things PMS Stands For!

• Pass My Shotgun
• Psychotic Mood Shift
• Perpetual Munching Spree
• Puffy Mid-Section
• People Make me Sick
• Provide Me with Sweets
• Pardon My Sobbing
• Pimples May Surface
• Pass My Sweatpants
• Pissy Mood Syndrome
• Plainly; Men Suck
• Pack My Stuff… And my favorite one…
• Potential Murder Suspect!

Read More... Summary Only...

Quotes From Federal Employee Evaluations

“Honesty” and “government” don’t often go hand in hand. However, honesty takes center stage in these actual excerpts from Federal employee performance evaluations:

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This employee is not really so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He would argue with a sign post.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Gates are down,the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

“One neuron short of a synapse.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead…” Read More... Summary Only...

A Word From Sigmund Freud

Read More... Summary Only...

Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate..

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate…

Read More... Summary Only...

Would You Remarry?

A husband and wife were sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

“Definitely not!” her husband replies.

“Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

“Of course I do,” says the husband.

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” asks his wife.

“Okay, okay, I’d get married again,” the husband admits.

“You would?” the wife says with a hurt look.

The husband groans.

“Would you live in our house?” his wife asks.

“Sure, it’s a great house,” he replies.

“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” his wife persists.

“Where else would we sleep,” the husband says.

“Would you let her drive my car?”

“Probably, it’s almost new,” he replies.

“Would you replace my pictures with hers?” the wife asks.

“That would seem like the proper thing to do,” he answers.

“Would you give her my jewelry?”

“No, I’m sure she’d want her own,” he replies.

“Would she use my golf clubs?” his wife asks.

“No, she’s left-handed.”

Wife: silence…

Husband: “Shit!” Read More... Summary Only...

10 Husbands and Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him!

But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!” Read More... Summary Only...

Three Little Ducks

Three little ducks go into a bar.

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been, Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.

“Oh, that’s nice,” said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”

“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.

“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” he asked.

“Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes.

“My name is Puddles…” Read More... Summary Only...

Pint Effect

One pint (0.5L) - Relaxed
To most drinkers the first pint of whatever disappear almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport and the price of net curtains, etc…Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn’t quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?

Two pints (1L) - Merry
With a taste for it now, the second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It’s time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible, and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said.

Three pints (1.5L) - Tipsy
Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the Spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a “I’d give that one” nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.

Four pints (2L) - Half-cut
Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same (the very same) jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian’s redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs… very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of ‘partners you wished you’d had’ to graphic detail of the ‘partners you’ve had’. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else’s) in your zip fly. Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening’s “nobody likes me ? everybody hates me” tears in the toilet crises.

Five pints (2.5L) - Drunk (Wazzed, Sloshed, Pissed will also do)
Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about and what is always remembered. However, it’s all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.

Six to Seven pints (3-3.5L) - Rat-arsed
Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that’s if anybody else can remember what the fuck you were talking about, but mark my words, there’s always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you’re drunk, but I am more of the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you’ve got the most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry.

Eight to Ten pints (4-5L) - Shit-faced (alternatively wankered)
It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they’ve had one over the eight, particularly those, whose drink you’ve just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence on this planet. Hey, if only they’d realise that there isn’t one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets.

Ten to Fifteen (5-7.5L) - Esperanto
For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you’ll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don’t worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won’t hurt in the slightest and if you’ve got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don’t live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopaedic qualities are well known.

Fifteen Plus (7.5L+) - Clinically Dead
You’ll feel like you’ve been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff - but don’t you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the fuck you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine’s a pint and get one in for yourself - cheers then …
Read More... Summary Only...

Things to Ponder

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was doing and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a Will. He said, “Will? What Will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite!”

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Read More... Summary Only...